Is there a secret decoder ring for women?

•Tiger Woods’ ex, Elin Nordegren, told People magazine that she’s “been through hell,” and though I’ve no doubt that’s true, considering the $150 million she got, where do I sign up to go through hell, too?

•When I’m emperor, the airline exec who came up with charging for bags will be put in stocks.

•Hand sanitizers say they kill 99.99 percent of all germs. I want to know the name of the .01 percent germ that will still get you.

•I wonder why there’s no male equivalent for mistress?

•You know those secret decoder rings you used to be able to order with three cereal box tops? They need to make one to help men figure out women.

•Remember when “partner” meant the tough hombre you rode into town with to clean up Dodge instead of your gay live-in?

•Note to restaurants: I don’t want focaccia; I want bread. And I don’t want olive oil. I want butter. When did they stop giving us butter?

•Is it just me, or do other men feel it takes away your mojo when you’re in the passenger seat and the woman is driving?

•Given my current circumstances, I’d like to make an official request to change “Never trust anyone over 30” to “Never trust anyone under 57.”

•You know you’re old when you remember that instead of seatbelts, your mother swung her arm across your chest to keep you from hitting the dashboard.

•Or when “gaming” was something people did at casinos instead of on Xbox.

•Or when women actually went to the grocery store wearing curlers. That one actually scarred me for life.

•Don’t you hate it when past paramours move on with their lives? Shouldn’t they just pine away?

•My sense of direction has become vestigial since I began relying on the GPS lady to tell me when to turn.

•And am I the only one who calls that lady bad names when she leads me wrong?

•Comment from a 19-year-old college student about having finished fraternity pledging: “It’s the best thing I’d never do again.”

•Laundry has become the great white whale of my life.

•Don’t you hate those real estate ads that say “Price upon request”? If you’re going to make me beg, I’ll buy another house.

•Remember when it was prejudice instead of profiling?

•And “drinking some water” instead of hydration?

•I’m guessing you should never refer to a woman of a certain age as a woman of a certain age.

•If I was a coach in the Super Bowl in 20-degree weather, I’d try to make my team lose so I wouldn’t get a barrel of iced Gatorade dumped on me during the victory celebration.

•Is there anything scarier than watching the water in a clogged toilet continue to rise?

•It’s been a year, and I’m still having post-traumatic stress from going down the Summit Plummet water slide at Disney.

•I want to know when we see Brett Favre’s picture on the cover of AARP magazine?

•Just thinking out loud, but can a relationship work if you’re a sports guy, and your girlfriend says, “Who’s Brett Fay-vra?”

•Or that she asks if “till-teist” golf balls are any good?

•Of course, horoscopes are nothing more than voodoo, but they sure are on target a lot, aren’t they?

•Does the Afghani edition of Maxim Magazine feature women in burqas?

•Does the Maine version feature women in see-through lingerie over long underwear?

•I was watching TV the other day when a commercial came on that got me wondering: “When did the Pepsi Generation become the Enlarged Prostate Generation?”

•Am I the only one who thinks that staring impatiently into a toaster makes it cook faster?

•Do they really have to keep telling us that the movie has been modified from its original version to fit our screen?

•And that we’re supposed to leave a message after the beep? Really? And I thought it was before the beep.

•Note to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il: I’m getting sick of those gray PJ-like tunics with matching pants you wear every single day. Dude, shake it up.

•Never date a woman who chews on a toothpick.

•I expect soon to see Jesse Jackson’s face on a milk carton. Where’s he been?

•I know we’re in a new era, but I still find it weird when stories on Hollywood weddings mention that the couple’s 4-year-old daughter was ring bearer. I mean, if you’re serious enough to have a child, aren’t you serious enough to first … oh, never mind.

And finally:

•I just read that more Americans can name at least two of the seven dwarfs than two Supreme Court justices, so it may be time to abandon hope.

Mark Patinkin/Providence Journal