I make no apologies, I am a urban man… A weekend for me is in a medium to large city, roughing it is staying in Fremont or some suburb (ooh a Target) or staying at Motel 6.
I went camping with a family member when I was a child… It was horrible, the A/C didnt work in the RV and we had to sit outside…. If I want fresh fish, I can go to Chinatown. While I will admit that I enjoyed fishing, but who wants to clean um .. I am not about the scale them or chop off heads. It anit that important…. I will leave that up to the Gordon’s fisherman, or to the Chicken of the Sea people.
My hunting career ended abruptly when Bambi’s mama or babies daddy chased me…
Camping is a lot of work, preparing the grounds and putting up the tent… It’s clear that I need Oprah money. Wake up from my nap and poof everything is ready, I could sing songs and eat smores with Gail.
All the hotels were full near and around the Russian River in Sonoma County. So my friends convinced me to buy a tent and camp with them for the weekend at a campsite in Guerneville. It wasn’t in the wilderness, restaurants were six blocks away, and a Safeway a little more than a mile and there was a shower and bathroom.
It will be an adventure…..you will have fun….
I bought a small two person tent at WallyMart….. The brochure said that it would take five minutes to put up the tent.
They always Kill the Black people first
Yes, I have an overactive imagination. But its true, they kill the black man first, in horror and action films. Although lately we are number two of three.
In addition to the tent, I purchased a flashlight, small cooler, insect repellent, water and cookies… ( if there is a disaster- there will be no urine drinking or slug eating on this trip!!)
I packed up my car and drove west……
My friends were already there…. Everything was there in my trunk accept the tent… (u gotta be kidding right-14 gallons of water and 60 packs of cookies and no tent.)
The manager of the campground, had extra tents and he and his staff put it up… good thing, because after 45 minutes, my bud who bought the same tent as I, was calling the gods for help. Other campers helped him with his tent and its was home sweet home.
Two black men neighbors, with my tent looking anything but fresh, I called our section the ghetto.
The campground was full and I found the people very nice, in fact the surroundings was nice and dare I say, it peaceful. hmmmmmmm
Dinner was man-licious, steaks and potatoes,courtesy of my friends, and after a few hours of stimulating conversation and silliness it was time for bed.
Timing and planning doesn’t enter your mind when your young and thin…but when your older and over weight, failing to plan ahead could mean ,clean up on aisle 4.
I now find myself slowing down in the adult diaper aisle-the freedom and only you would know.
God has a sense of humor…. he or she does……
I felt the pressure, but I was warm and comfortable… 2nd warning.. 3rd warning… then all of a sudden it was stations go! but how!? I am in a sleeping bag…. my shoes are off and the realization I am in a fucking tent. …where are my shoes? where is the light switch?….oh shit…how am I gonna get up…. I’m old and fat and starting to leak… I find the zipper to the tent, I pull the sleeping bag down and pee out off the opening.
I dont care what the neighbors think….. I am not a pig..and wasn’t gonna pee in this mans tent.
I get comfortable, and began to worry about number two. You know (I say to myself) you need to just go….cant go through that again…
Now I know what they mean when they say pitch black….. It was dark outside,, the only light came from the restroom. shower area.. and that light attracted a billion flying creatures…..
So do I try wait until morning or dump somewhere in the woods? Where a man in a hockey mask is waiting for me.?
Let do this… (I say to myself)
There wasnt a door, and worse I though I heard someone coming…..
Focus…….sing a song in your head… I sit, Focus….. moon river
The noise gets closer- oh excuse me…… its okay , I reply
done….. thank gawd
Where is my tent?
I woke up to :”you didnt buy enough ice” when I opened my tent, I saw a lot of people in various stages of making breakfast. Some where starting stoves others putting out food. I was planning to walk to the restaurant and get a Chronicle and have coffee ,when someone said your joining us for breakfast. Breakfast was excellent someone made fresh beer in the batter pancakes with real maple syrup….. Okay I can get into to this, I thought..
Six of us walked into town, and visited karaoke bar.. the day became night, my friend and I decided to have a meal in town. More visiting and it was time for bed. As we walked to our tents, we came upon a large chunk of wood with a big hatched stuck in its center. I looked at him and said, I wanna tell you now…….. If I hear anything, your gonna hear a lot of commotion in my tent… AS I will be kicking the bottom of this tent, and you will see this tent run pass you… just letting you know in advance…
Your crazy, he laughed
Hmm, I said to myself… laugh if you want to, I’ll be reading about yo ass in the paper.
All in all it was a good weekend…
Got my timing down, helped my friend with the cooking, and cleaning. I enjoyed the quiet and the clean air..
Made new friends who invited me camping in the rough, not quite ready for porta potties ,they didn’t view this campground as truly camping.
For me its baby steps. a few visits to other camp sites like this one , with one of those beds I can step down from (cant always pee on the tent) before I venture into the wilderness….’