Oh look, how shiny, can your penis compete?
Apple rolled out its latest iPhone , and of course it’s chock full of techie goodness. Enthusiasts started hyperventilating on cue over the bigger screen, beefier processor, updated operating system, and ultrafast wireless. Then they fainted over the fact that Steve Jobs’ earthly spiritual vessel now also rocks better earbuds, jacked-up photo capabilities, and—egads!—a new cable.
We want one, of course, and we’re not alone. In fact, a just-released survey by CouponCodes4u found that 39 percent of the 2,000 18-to-30-year-old males they polled would gladly sacrifice an inch of penile prowess in order to be the first to score the new device.
Let me say that again: 39 percent of young guys in this survey would accept a shorter schlong in order to get their mitts on a new iPhone.
Now, before we start parsing out the specific strengths of the iPhone 5 compared to the strengths of a fully endowed member, let’s sit with that stat for a minute. There are three possible explanations for this obvious lapse in sensibility: 1) Those guys have such prodigious length in the first place that the loss is negligible, which I doubt—no offense to the undoubtedly studly clientele of CouponCodes4u.com; 2) They were kidding; or 3) They aren’t thinking enough with their Johnsons. In that case, I don’t know exactly what calculus those young dudes were performing in their bargain-addled brains, but I’m about to pass on some wisdom to the 39 percent.
Here it is: You need your dick! All of it! It’s not like an investment, where you can dip into the earnings a bit knowing that your package will grow back within a few years. Once you make this Faustian bargain, all you get out of it is a shiny new thing and a permanently shorter shaft. Never mind the fact that after three weeks, you’ll be sorely regretting the exchange since everyone and their brother who actually does salivate over cell phones will have gotten their own iPhone 5 without checking the little “Accept Terms and Conditions” box on Satan’s website.
So with that rant out of the way, let’s explore whether the iPhone 5′s new slate of features might be worth even considering compromising your manhood, if you happen to fall into the 39 percent bracket who would be open to this ghastly—if fictitious—procedure. (Want the latest, greatest tech reviews from the most knowledgeable experts? Check out Men’s Health Tech Lust to find your next new toy!)
New iPhone 5 feature: Bigger screen!
The phone’s lush retina display grows from 3.5 inches (diagonal) to 4 inches, a not-insignificant expansion that bumps resolution to 1136×640, while only adding a few millimeters in height to the device. That growth permits a fifth row of icons on the home screen. But until all the apps you use are updated, they’ll run normal-size on the new screen with a small black frame. For its part, Apple has, of course, updated their apps to exploit the extra real estate. For instance, the Calendar app now shows five days in landscape mode instead of three. The screen also generates 44 percent more saturated color renderings than its predecessor, so your movies, video games, and pictures will look that much better. It’s all great, but . . .
Verdict: Not worth a shorter schlong!
New iPhone 5 feature: Super-fast wireless!
Apple rolls out the first device offering support for LTE wireless, which if the gods of carrier service, streaming traffic, and, who knows, the weathercooperate, could conceivably generate download speeds of 100Mbps straight from cell towers. The iPhone 5 is also capable of 150Mbps speeds via its improved dual-channel 5GHz 802.11n Wi-Fi support. This is evidently really cool stuff, but . . .
Verdict: Not worth a shorter schlong! (Cut those cords—check out our picks for The Best Wireless Gear here.)
New iPhone 5 feature: Killer camera!
While the phone’s camera resolution is the same as the 4S’s—8 megapixels—it now has better low-light functionality, improved noise reduction, and enhanced HD recording with its iSight camera’s improved stabilization and facial recognition. Plus, you can snap still photos while recording video. The front-facing camera benefits from a bump to 720p HD video, so your fuzzy FaceTime video calls should run smoother. Finally, you can now take panorama shots with the camera that will total up to 28 megapixels. We love cell phone cameras, so this is particularly exciting, and it comes closest to being member-minimizingly wonderful on its own. That said . . .
Verdict: Not worth a shorter schlong! (But at least you’ll be able to use your new cam to Take the Perfect Profile Pic.)
New iPhone 5 feature: Under-the-hood awesomeness!
The iPhone’s new A6 processor will boost your app speed and gameplay without sucking down battery power at a faster clip. In fact, the iPhone’s new battery is reportedly good for 8 hours of browsing or talk time, or 10 hours of video playback on that nice, big screen. Structurally, the phone includes a lot of precision aluminum construction that’s 18 percent thinner and 20 percent lighter than the 4S. There’s also—notably—a new 8-pin charging port/cable, called Lightning, that replaces the 30-pin connector. Though it will annoy many people who’ve spent several years accumulating 30-pin accessories and cables, this is a vastly more efficient and reliable upgrade that will likely stay in place years longer than the original port. It’s a smart move, though a tough pill to swallow. All in all, these are some stellar hardware improvements, but really . . .
Verdict: Not worth a shorter schlong!
By: Eric Adams/Mens Health