Can Taking A Break Ever Work In Long-Term Relationships?


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By: Debby Gullery/ YourTango.com

Like most things, it’s complicated.

All long-term relationships and marriages have their challenges.

People change. Circumstances change. Someone loses a job or gets sick, or the need for a big move comes up.

Change is inevitable, and every change brings with it opportunities for growth along with challenges to face. Each new challenge necessitates re-negotiation and recalibration in a relationship if it’s going to thrive. Even the most successful, healthy relationships require constant adjustment.

Sometimes, however, a couple reaches an impasse — a time in their relationship or marriage where they feel stuck and unsure of how to proceed. Sometimes things get so toxic and unhealthy that both partners feel emotionally overwhelmed.

At a crossroads like this, couples will often consider taking a break from each other and the relationship.

As a relationship coach, people often ask me if this a good idea or not. My response is always the same — proceed with caution.

When things are particularly strained and painful, taking a break can seem like the smartest and easiest thing to do, but it rarely is.

Taking a break can actually be detrimental to your relationship for at least the following reasons:

  • Feelings fade: When a couple is apart, it’s easy for the emotional connection between them to dissipate. Especially if your partner is causing you great anguish. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes.
  • When you stop investing, things go south: Couples navigating long-distance relationships understand this concept well and quickly discover that they need to work extra hard to keep the connection between them strong. Relationships need constant investment. When we don’t see or interact with each other often enough, things usually go south.
  • Relief trumps effort: The relief people feel when taking a break can easily turn into running away from the challenge, instead of working on themselves and the situation.

The only way to prevent these pitfalls is to plan the break carefully. Taking a break without a well-thought out structure in place for what will happen during that break, usually proves disastrous. Rather than a step towards healing, it most often becomes the first step towards ending the relationship.

Before you and your partner consider taking a break, ask yourselves this question: ‘What are we trying to accomplish by taking a break?’

If you can’t answer this question clearly, don’t do it!

If you can answer it satisfactorily, you will have set the tone for how helpful or not helpful taking a break might be.

Just remember that there is an implicit expectation that taking a break means you plan to get back together at some pre-determined time in the near future

Here are seven tips on how to make taking a break in a relationship useful and productive for both of you:

1. Make sure you both agree that taking a break is a good idea

Your success has a lot to do with whether or not a couple has both agreed to take a break. When you’re in agreement, it’s easier to make goals and stick to them.

If one partner is pushing for a break, and the other one isn’t into it, that is often a clue that one person is already leaning out of the relationship.

2. Create structure for the break

You need to create a well-thought out and mutually agreeable structure for the temporary separation.

If you live together, details like where will each of you live and who will pay the bills need to be discussed and decided on before the separation begins.

It can be helpful to work with a therapist, mediator or coach who can help you set up a structure like this.

3. Decide on a specific time frame

Have a clear time frame about when you’ll start and end the time out.

Don’t start the time apart and then ‘see how it goes’. That will always go south.

4. Develop mutually agreed upon rules for communicating with one another

Rules of conduct have to be really clear from the beginning.

Will you communicate with each other during the time apart? If so, how often and in what ways?

This needs to be decided at the outset because you or your partner will likely change your minds about this several times during the break.

5. If you have children together, be sure to account for their needs

If you have children together, it is crucial to consider how the separation will impact them.

Their emotional security is your responsibility and first priority.

6. Have clear rules of conduct

Decide up front what is allowed and not allowed during the break. Your expectations need to be clearly expressed and negotiated, especially when it comes to seeing other people.

Vagueness in this area can be catastrophic.

7. Discuss what each of you will be working on during the break

Without clear goals and a structure to accomplish them, most of us tend to go to the lowest common denominator. To counteract that, it’s important to clarify your goals, both as individuals and as a couple, and exactly what you will be working on during the break.

Separation can be complicated and tricky, and working on your relationship while you continue to live together will almost always bring better results.

But in situations where temporary separation really seems like the best course of action, when there is abuse or the threat of abuse, or when one or both partners are depressed or addicted, for example, a structured break can be especially beneficial.

Couples will always stand a much better chance for healing and success with careful planning and professional support.

Debby Gullery is a relationship coach who teaches simple strategies people can begin using immediately to improve their most important relationships. She is the author of Small Steps To Bigger Love, a practical and easy-to-use book for couples seeking to be more intentional and loving. Visit her website for more.

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Loneliness Is Fatal. Video Games Can Keep Men Alive


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Guys say their gaming friendships are as “real” as any IRL bonds.

By: Sean O’Neal /Mens Health

MEN ARE LONELY, or so we’ve heard. Not from our friends—that would require actually sharing our feelings, which we’re not great at—but from an endless cascade of think pieces and scientific studies sounding the alarm on the growing crisis of male loneliness. Reluctant to engage with other men on anything that could make us seem vulnerable or too needy, we’ve been forcing the women in our lives to shovel our shit, becoming “emotional gold diggers” in the process. The most cloistered among us have retreated into a sort of petulant nihilism, finding strength in toxic web forums filled with self-righteous anger and Jordan Peterson quotes, a modern-day Fight Club where the first rule is never shutting up about it. Having more friends won’t magically fix these problems—the real solution is therapy, folks—but we could all stand to get better at making and keeping friends, because social isolation is deadly. In 2014, former Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy went so far as to declare loneliness a public health epidemic, saying it poses a greater threat than smoking or obesity. Men, who shed friendships more easily (and die earlier anyway), are most at risk. Without any meaningful connections, they say, our only companion as we breathe our last will be the flickering light of our laptop, open to the latest trend report highlighting the links between loneliness and a heightened risk of cardiovascular disease, strokes, or suicide (death, death, and more death).

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The heightened tenor of this anxiety may be new, but the problem’s not—and neither is the solution. According to a landmark UCLA study conducted in 1982, women’s friendships tend to be based around “emotional sharing and talking,” while men connect through “activities and doing things together.” If you want to keep your friends (and you don’t want to die), the experts agree, you have to make actual plans and keep them. Grabbing beers, shooting hoops, tipping cows; whatever loose framework is necessary to force another man to hang out with you, just long enough that some genuine bonding accidentally slips through the margins.

Of course, like making friends or tipping cows, this is a lot easier said than done, especially as we get older. In our school years and in those shiftless early 20s before we start really pulling our lives together, friends are just there, splayed across the futon and waiting to be herded toward your next hangout with little more than a grunt of assent. But once careers and marriages and kids start getting in the way, grabbing drinks requires a complex process of coordinating schedules and risk assessment, measuring the estimated quality of fun against any potential negative effect it might have on the rest of our overbooked days, which sucks the joy right out of it. It’s little wonder so many of us choose to put away the actuarial tables and just stay home.

But what if you could get the shared experiences and idle chitchat that are so necessary to nurturing these connections, without having to worry about hangovers, or babysitters, or even putting on pants? This is the idyll offered by multiplayer and “co-op” video games, which more and more people have been turning to of late. Some 25 percent of all adults either played or watched an online game in 2018, according to a Washington Post-University of Massachusetts Lowell poll, and somewhat surprisingly, half the respondents reported that “friendship” was one of their main reasons for logging in, whether it was finding new relationships or checking in with real-life friends they don’t see as often as they’d like. It’s a growing phenomenon that questions the stereotype of the gamer as isolated, even socially maladjusted. And it’s an increasingly common means for men to make the all-important act of doing something with their buddies, even when time, commitments, and geography get in the way.

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Matthew, 35, is a quintessential example of this. He was forced to leave his college friends behind when he decamped for law school, and since gaming was already a part of their routine, it seemed like a natural way to keep in touch—first through co-op titles like Resident Evil 5 and then, as their displaced group swelled, rounds of Dungeons & Dragons. These days, it’s just one friend in particular he keeps up with through gaming, but it’s also more regular than ever before, with the two making time nearly every weekend to spend a couple hours playing together. Matthew estimates at least 25 percent of those sessions are spent just checking in—talking about their jobs, about Matthew’s new dog, about his friend’s break-up with a long-term girlfriend. They still see manage to each other maybe once or twice a year, he says, and often they’ll chat through more traditional messaging platforms. But it’s really the gaming that’s kept them close, their idle banter during the loading screens allowing them to stay abreast of each other on a near-constant basis.

“I think we’d still be friends, but I don’t know if I’d be thinking about it in the same way,” Matthew tells me. “Because this way, we’re always talking. There are some friends I was very close with but don’t see very often, and when I do see them, I feel like the entire time we have to catch up on everything that’s happened in their lives. And I don’t feel that way with him.”

Even at the relatively young age of 27, Lucas had also lost track of some of his friends, many of them he’d known since elementary school. Gaming likewise gave him the pretext he needed to reach out to those guys he’d once spent nearly every afternoon with, huddled around a Nintendo 64, but hadn’t heard from since. He looked up their old usernames on his Playstation, and through games like Rocket Leagues and Fortnite, he managed to rekindle many of those old friendships via biweekly sessions, learning about the surprising turns their lives had taken. He tells me that gaming reduced some of the inherent awkwardness of having those kinds of conversations over the phone.

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“I’m a pretty open guy, and I think some of my friends aren’t,” Lucas says. “So after losing touch, it took a while for some of them to open up. But now I think we can be pretty honest with each other. Having the game to play sort of breaks the ice.

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Brian, 53, has a similar story. His trio of friends met in the same astrophysics department back in the ’90s, spending their downtime massacring aliens in the first-person shooter Marathon over the school’s local-area network. After graduation, as everyone dispersed to different states, they kept it up by playing Halo through Xbox Live, meeting every single Monday night for nearly a decade and a half now. Although one of those friends has more or less fallen off (“He’s waiting for the new Halo,” Brian explains), Brian and Greg still spend a few hours online together every week, using voice chat to gossip about old friends and colleagues, commiserate about their jobs, and even fill each other in on major life events.

“It’s how I found out he was getting married again,” Brian says. “He told me he wouldn’t be able to play for the next few weeks because he was going on his honeymoon. I knew he was dating someone, but I didn’t know it had gotten to that point. And I guess I told him the same thing. I didn’t send out invitations or anything. I just said, ‘Oh, I’m getting married next week.’”

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GRANTED, FROM AN outsider’s perspective, maybe this doesn’t sound like much of a friendship. If you can just sort of casually announce something as life-altering as your own wedding while you’re waiting for a screen to load, are you really connecting? But of course, this is a question that’s not specific to video games. In a way, it’s the defining existential crisis of our age, where we spend more time interacting with each other’s various social media profiles than we do the far less curated people behind them. Games are just the latest, most literal manifestation of this kind of virtual friendship.

A few years ago, as the debate grew louder about this illusion of intimacy created by our online connections, there was a lot of renewed talk about “Dunbar’s number”—the theory from evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar that humans are capable of maintaining, at most, 150 stable relationships at a time, no matter what your Facebook “friend” count says. As he made the trend-piece rounds, Dunbar reiterated that Facebook, et al. were still no substitute for face-to-face interactions, or the physiological and neurological responses we get from doing real-world together, sharing a laugh or a fleeting touch on the shoulder. In 2014, he told The New Yorker that the data is still pending on whether the younger generation, which has been raised on these sorts of virtual interactions, can ultimately form the same kinds of relationships. Still, Dunbar and many of his fellow researchers have cast doubt on their ability to create truly lasting bonds—or worse, to help people develop the necessary social skills to find them.

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“If I’m only interacting with people on video games, I’m not going to be open to these other ways that friendships can be emotionally and physically healthy to me,” Greif tells me, giving me the example of a friend noticing that you’ve put on weight and suggesting you see a doctor about it. It’s the kind of helpful (albeit kinda shitty) little thing friends do for each other naturally, and it’s just not possible when you’re only avatars on a screen.

Dr. Greif says his first response to anyone who says they spend all of their time talking online would be to advise them to cut it down to 90 percent, and use that remaining 10 percent to seek out more ways to engage with the world face to face. Still, “If somebody is lonely and they find a way of communicating with people around video games, and that helps them, then I think that’s a good thing,” he says.

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While none of the guys I spoke to characterized themselves as lonely, per se, some of them admitted to turning to games as a means of coping with social anxiety. When Belvin, 23, was barely out of college, his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The ensuing year of losing him in “slow motion” was devastating, he tells me, and Belvin spent much of it as a recluse, unable to muster the enthusiasm to go out and meet new people, or even engage with the things he once enjoyed doing. He spent about four nights a week playing Fortnitewith friends who had splintered off at graduation, which he says kept him from falling into full-bore loneliness and despair.

“Video games sustained me through a very dark time,” he says. “Having the ability to play video games with my friends—which led to both conversation and a shared activity, with a relatively low investment for me—was very helpful in just keeping my spirits up.”

Belvin says he didn’t really discuss his dad’s illness during gameplay, mostly sticking to the sort of “typical male surface-level conversations” about music and TV shows that define men’s friendships, both online and off. But he also doubts he would have talked about it face to face: “I just have a natural tendency to not want to bring people down,” he says. Mostly it was just the fact that he could find someone every evening to talk to, about anything and nothing, without having to pull himself together enough to leave his apartment. It was a valuable lifeline when he needed it most.

For Scott, 38, the connections he’s made through gaming have long since transcended superficial chatter to provide a similar kind of emotional support. Scott has played the baseball simulator Out Of The Park (“like fantasy baseball but nerdier,” he explains) with the same group of guys for approximately 15 years, all of whom he met through the game’s messaging board. He now considers many of them to be his best friends, and they stay in near-constant contact through the private forum where everyone congregates to talk intimately about their lives; some don’t even bother playing the game anymore.

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Over the years, they’ve attended each other’s weddings and helped each other through divorces, provided career counseling and parenting advice, and generally been there for each other in a way that would probably put your own company softball team to shame. For example, when one member’s wife died suddenly of cancer, the rest of the group rallied to raise funds to offset medical costs, then worked out a way to get him to attend batting practice for his beloved Detroit Tigers. And if you ask Scott, these are the kinds of connections that could only happen because of the remove that gaming allows, which has allowed these men to share their true selves with each other in a way that they probably wouldn’t be able to otherwise.

“I think you know each other on a more personal level, actually, and the distance kind of helps with that,” Scott says. “I have really strong friendships in real life, but I don’t think there’s that depth of personal connection. My real-life friendships, you know, you talk about things, but you definitely don’t tell all. It’s always easier when you can type out your thoughts. You have time to gather your words and figure out what you want to say. It’s intimidating to be face to face with somebody, trying to figure out how to tell them what’s going on in your life or how you really feel. Here, it’s like you’re talking to other people, but it’s also like you’re talking to yourself at the same time.”

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And despite the fact that these conversations might be taking place in a purely imaginary setting, and lack the natural give-and-take you’d get from having them in person, that doesn’t make these virtual communications any less “real,” they argue.

“So much of our experience in this century has showed us that all kinds of interactions can have meaning to us, even if they’re purely text-based, or auditory,” Belvin says. “People listen to podcasts and feel like the podcasters are their friends, and to what extent is that ‘real’? What’s real these days?”.

IT’S A FAIR question, and one that only promises to grow more complex as technology evolves and, with it, our ability to connect with people in ever more artificial realms, and ignore all the flesh-bags shuffling through this one. But even in our crude present, it’s worth noting that most of the men I spoke to took pains to delineate between the friendships they maintain through gaming and those they have out here in the so-called “meat space.” Several requested that I also not use their full names or even their real ones, wary of the stigma of being identified as a “gamer.” The distance and relative anonymity of games might actually allow men to be more intimate with each other and express themselves more freely, and it could also be an avenue for unexpected emotional connection, even personal growth. Yet it still carries a connotation of awkwardness and artificiality, so it’s not surprising that so many were reluctant to advertise that it was such a key part of their social lives.

Ned (not his real name) is one of those who keeps his gaming friends and his “real world” friends separate. Although raised on Atari and Nintendo, he was a bit of a late adopter to games as a social outlet. “I would log into Grand Theft Auto IV online for just a minute, and as soon as I saw another person I would log off,” he tells me. But in his mid-30s, Ned became a stay-at-home dad, stuck at home in a new city and hungry for any kind of human contact, preferably one he could make from his basement. He found his way to the co-op gaming hub Co-Optimus, where he discovered he could play games like Borderlands and Destiny with other guys who were looking for a little fun and conversation about anything but their kids.

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Ned is 45 now. His children are more self-sufficient, and his law career has picked back up, but he tells me he still plays with that same group nearly every single night. He also spends every day trading messages with them via the group chat app, Band. One of them even came to visit for a few days and, despite Ned’s initial reservations, it was “totally fine.” The rapport they’d developed while exploring the moons of Saturn translated smoothly to fairly hanging out in Minnesota, it turns out, and Ned said he believes it would probably be the same if he ever dropped in on the rest of his teammates. Still, when I ask whether he feels like his online friendships have ever intruded on his “real world” ones, he seems to draw a line between them.

“I have definitely had opportunities to hang out with people here—let’s go see a movie, let’s grab a drink—and I’m like, ‘Eh, I don’t know, we were gonna raid tonight,’” Ned tells me with a laugh. “Sadly yes, that has happened. Maybe it’s a little bit of a problem? I should probably go out and see my real friends more.”

He’s certainly not alone: Most of the guys I talk to say they spend far more time with their gaming friends than those they see in the real world. Some tell me it’s also diminished their eagerness—or willingness—to go out and make new friends, seeing as they already have these relationships to fall back on, with the literal push of a button. As Dr. Greif tells me, this is a common problem as we age, as men especially have the tendency to believe they can only be friends with guys they’ve already known their entire life, and who don’t require us putting in the work to get them up to speed on all our references, or to understand when we’re joking. Besides, who just walks up to a dude and starts talking? Won’t he just assume we’re hitting on him, or working out a way to wheedle money? We’ve been conditioned to find overly friendly strangers suspicious—that they’re probably just Mormons or con men peddling magazine subscriptions. Overcoming those kinds of social hurdles can prove to be a much bigger challenge—and a lot less fun—than just staying home and shredding hordes of zombies with guys you already know, even if they’re only voices in your ear.

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Nevertheless, just as text chats have given way to Twitch video streams, and “esports bars” have sprung up around the growing leagues of professional Overwatch players, our notion of video games as the sole province of lonely shut-ins has evolved. So it stands to reason we should adjust our attitudes about the relationships you can have within games as well, whether they’re just an excuse to keep in touch with old pals, or even a means to meet some brand new ones. When I suggest to him that some people might find his mostly online friendships to not be “real,” Brian openly scoffs.

“That sounds silly to me,” he says. “People bond over all sorts of stuff. If we bonded over fishing, is that not ‘real’? All you’re doing is drowning worms and drinking. Is that not a real friendship?” In other words, your virtual friendship can be as real as you make it. And suffice it to say, it sure beats the alternative.

Palestine: Documentary “The New Women of Gaza”


As the crippling blockade of Gaza by Israel and Egypt continues, poverty levels continue to rise in the territory, a narrow strip of land along the eastern Mediterranean coast.

Gaza is home to more than 1.5 million Palestinians, half of them under the age of 15. Unemployment stands at 52 percent, according to the World Bank. Gazans face poor water and sanitation conditions and overstretched hospitals, among other adversities, according to the Palestinian Center for Human Rights.

This film follows five strong-willed women who are doing their utmost to make a difference in Gaza in different walks of life – medicine, social work, photojournalism, music and local government. Despite the socio-economic conditions in Gaza, the five of them work to make life better for their families and communities.

Filmmaker Mariam Shahin tells Al Jazeera: “Nour, Mona, Itimad, Haifa and Heba represent a new generation of Palestinian women in the Gaza Strip who have freed themselves psychologically of restrictions that society placed on them.”

She says that they defy stereotypes of women in the Arab world and have carried out a “quiet revolution” by using their work and activities to follow their chosen paths.

“They have also chosen to carry men with them rather than stand against them, in an effort to reform their society without causing major upheaval,” Shahin adds.

Nour Halaby is a photographer who has documented the experiences of many Palestinians, including some of the women in this film. Itimad Al Tarshawi is a local politician used to work in the Ministry of Social Affairs but has now moved to the Ministry of Labour. Haifa Farajallah is a singer trying to make her way in the creative sector as well as being a young divorcee. Dr Mona Kiskin is a neurosurgeon at Al Shifa Hospital who is also a mother of three. Heba Mahmoud Abu Shalouf was badly injured in an Israeli attack but married, has two children and trained to be a trauma therapist.

“Seven years ago, people looked down on injured and disabled people. People said that girls with injuries should just stay at home and do nothing. Now things have changed. Every home has someone injured or disabled. Children with disabilities weren’t allowed into regular schools. They were kept at home. This has now changed. Schools, organisations, and universities now admit disabled people,” Shalouf tells Al Jazeera.

Four years after the original filming of The New Women of Gaza, filmmaker Mariam Shahin returned to see how these five women in Gaza were coping with the continued blockade. This film reflects the changes in their lives since and the work they have done to improve the lives of others in Gaza.

“It is great to be able to enter the world of others with the camera and document their lives. It is even greater to be able to capture the changes that take place after the initial film is finished,” Shahin explains.

“Returning to the women we documented in 2015 gave them a sense of comfort and the knowledge that we did not ‘steal’ their stories but continue to be interested in allowing their voices to be heard and their continued struggles not to be forgotten.

Australia: 150 times a Bridesmaid


A professional bridesmaid who has walked the aisle more than 150 times has lifted the lid on her unique career – and how many dresses are stacked in her closet.

Kerstyn Walsh charges up to $8,000 to stand by the bride on her big day.

The 29-year-old said she was perfect for those who don’t have enough people to fill out their bridal party, and others who want to lessen the burden of organizing such a massive occasion.

The Sydneysider told the Daily Mail she’d seen it all – bridezillas, jealous bridesmaids and weddings where the alcohol has run dry.

“Brides often need someone who is willing to do all the jobs – whether it’s consult with the vendors or fix the speakers for the DJ,” she said.

“They want their friends and family to be fully present for the wedding, while I can help with chores.”

Kerstyn Walsh has walked the aisle at more than 150 weddings.
Kerstyn Walsh has walked the aisle at more than 150 weddings. Credit: Facebook / Hire a Bridesmaid

Walsh packed in her job in real estate to set up her business, Hire A Bridesmaid, in 2015.

She says the fell into the role after hosting a friend’s wedding where she did much of the co-ordinating.

She has attended more than 150 ceremonies and her closet is overflowing with more than 70 dresses.

Brides often need someone who is willing to do all the jobs.

There aren’t too many situations she hasn’t encountered, but she’s always ready to step to quell any problems.

“It’s pretty stressful, but all occasions I’m prepared for,” she said.

Madonna 2 hours late in Las Vegas…Fan (Fans) sue


 

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“There’s something that you all need to understand,” Madonna said during her Las Vegas concert, while perched atop a piano, legs swinging. “And that is, that a queen is never late.”

The mega star spoke those words to fans during the show this week, posting the video to Twitter on Saturday.
And despite the cheers that came from the crowd, not everyone agrees. One Florida fan is betting the law won’t agree either.
Nate Hollander is taking the singer to court over her late start times.
Hollander filed a lawsuit Monday in Miami-Dade County court against both Live Nation and Madonna. He alleges that the change in start times for her Madame X Tour is a breach of contract made between the singer and the ticket buyer.
In August, when Hollander bought the tickets to Madonna’s December 17 show at the Fillmore Miami Beach, the concert was scheduled to begin at 8:30 p.m., the lawsuit alleges. But on October 23, Madonna and Live Nation changed the start time for that show and several others to 10:30 p.m., the suit alleges.
For those like Hollander, who bought tickets and now don’t want to attend a concert that late, a refund has not been offered, he alleges.
And attempts to resell won’t make up for the money lost, as tickets have now “suffered an extreme loss of value” because of the time change, he alleges. That makes reselling “impossible,” he said.
Hollander originally bought three tickets to Madonna’s Miami Beach show, spending $1,024.95, he says in the filing. But, since the show is now starting later than originally planned, he claims that he and other ticket holders “suffered actual and consequential damages including, but not limited to, loss of consideration paid and the devaluation of the ticket.”
CNN has reached out to Madonna and Live Nation via email and voicemail, but requests for comment have not been returned.

Trapped: Fast Love and Good Intentions


It was real love,true love, you didn’t know each other long, but it made sense to move in together.

After a few weeks, some realities being to settle in. Undiscussed realities begin to surface. Your love spent their very last dime to be with you. While you’ve talked of colors, dreams and positions. No one talked about employment background, or working history.

You leave for work, you love it there. Painful Silence, Casual Hints, Burning Resentments. You return from work, your love is there. Dishes in the sink,overflowing garbage cans. Then one day an explosion. Its not what you expected. Love turns into resentment and rage, perhaps it was too soon.  Your love tells you they’re not leaving.

A friend or family member falls on hard times. You allow them to move in with you until they get on their feet. After weeks, months, your starting to feel if your good intentions are being abused.

A HARSH REALITY

You learn after locks are changed and police are called, you learn you can’t just throw them out.

If they are receiving mail at your home, they are tenants. It doesn’t matter if they haven’t contribute one dime towards the household.  Your former love or friends and family would have to be legally evicted.

Which mean you will need to go the county courthouse and file eviction papers then wait for your day in court.  Or move, your not obligated to take them with you,

Of course, This would never happen to you. RIGHT!!!

While Its not romantic and can seem cold, you need to have several discussions before someone moves in with you.

First things, first.  Do not allow their mail to be  delivered to your home.  This establishes their tenancy.   They can buy a box,  get a P.O box.or they can foward their mail to nearest post office under General Delivery at no cost to them.   You and you alone should have the key to the mail box.  If their mail arrives at your door, write “return to sender address unknown” .      Get to know them, before issuing a key.  Some doors require a code for entry.

Once again, this would never happen to you Right?

In some metro areas, it could take six or more months to get your day in court.

 

CityFella

 

Is the movie you want to see sold out tonight? Try these two Theaters in Sacramento


Its Friday night, and the “Block Buster seems to be sold out at every theater in town.  So you choose another movie.

Not so fast!

There are two theaters in town that few people know about and one is completely invisible

A few years ago the Century @ Downtown Plaza was closed and renovated.  It opened a couple of years ago and is now called the Century XD DoCo (Downtown Commons).  It’s located on the upper level across from Macy’s and adjacent to the Golden 1 Center. Image result for century doco theater

The theater has eight auditoriums with stadium seating.  One of the auditoriums has XD.  There are many food options,on either side of the theater.   Getting last minute tickets to “The Joker ” on the first Friday wasn’t difficult and we were seven rows from the screen.

The theater is in the same complex as Golden One Center. Traffic will be challenging if there is an event at Golden One. Parking is free for two hours with Validation.    The theater recommends you enter the Garage on L St .  I suggest the  J Street entrance.  Look for the escalators, they are closest to the theater.

What the heck is XD? : Century’s XD entertainment environment features an oversize, wall-to-wall and ceiling-to-floor screen, brand new plush seating, a custom JBL sound system featuring crisp, clear digital sound, and the brightest digital images delivered by a Doremi server and a Barco digital projector

Century Doco XD is located at  1015 4th St, Downtown Sac

https://www.cinemark.com/northern-california/century-doco-and-xd

The Biggest Secret in Sacramento

Image result for country club cinema

Located in the old Country Club Shopping Center on Watt ave near El Camino is Sacramento’s newest theater. “Country Club Cinemas” The theater has thirteen auditoriums including two large Giant Screen Auditoriums. 

 Cinema West, the Petaluma chain that operates the very popular Palladio 16 and Luxe Cinemas in Folsom and the State Theater in Woodland opened the Country Club Cinema’s on Watt Ave last April 

Movies and showtimes for the Country Club Cinemas aren’t published in the Sac Bee.  There aren’t any large signs indicating there is a movie theater or what’s playing.  The entrance for the theater is inside the very empty mall .

Image result for country club cinema

Not having theater listings in the newspaper isn’t unusual for Cinema West. Showtimes for the Palladio didn’t appear in the Bee for a more than a year after it was opened. 

Cinema West, tends to give you more bang for your buck.  The Giant Screens in their large auditoriums are arguably some of the largest screens in area.  The Palladio (GS) are slightly smaller than the Regal IMAX in El Dorado Hills.  Auditorium One at the beautifully restored State Theater in Woodland is the largest theater in the Area.  Admission at Country Club Cinemas is $10.75  and parking is plentiful.

 For several years, Palladio 16 in Folsom is considered to the best multiplex in Sacramento, by Sacratomatoville Post.   It was rated #1 for sound, ambiance, screen size, cleanliness and value.  While we have yet to review this theater, All of Cinema West theaters have the latest Dolby 7.1 surround and the GS theaters have Dolby Atmos Surround.

If your planning to see one of the New Movies Opening this week, this may just be your theater. 

Country Club Cinema 2405 Butano Drive, Sacramento 

For Movies and Showtimes Click on the Link Below

https://www.cinemawest.com/location?house_id=49047

 

 

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Thank you Pete Wilson and a Warning to The Republican Party


Between 1952 and 1988  Republicans won the state in nearly every presidential election in California.   The majority of the population were Republicans.  In 1994, the state had over a million illegal immigrants.  A Republican authored a Proposition that would prevent illegal immigrants from receiving services, including education in the state.

After Propersition 187,Save our State (SOS)  was passed and later overturned by the courts.  Several  Hispanics  successfully ran for office and changed the face of Politics of the State.   Today, Republicans represent less than 24% of registered voters in California.

 

Immigration Cloaked in Racism California’s 1994’s Proposition 187 (Story and Podcast)


1994 protest

 

On Nov. 2, 1994, over 10,000 teenagers across California walked out to protest proposition 187. The initiative sought to punish undocumented immigrants by denying them certain services, including access to public healthcare and education.

Proposition 187 split the psyche of the state like few things before or since.

Californians, confronted with a more diverse state and battered by the state’s worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, came to believe the problem was immigrants in the country illegally and their children.

Click on the link below for the full Story and Podcast 

https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2019-10-29/proposition-187-california-pete-wilson-essay

https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2019-10-15/prop-187-this-is-california-battle-podcast

You can also hear the Podcast on Latino USA

https://www.latinousa.org/

 

Why Denmark’s politicians are posting their school photos on social media


Why Denmark’s politicians are posting their school photos on social media
PM Mette Frederiksen posted her school photo on Instagram. Photo: Aris Oikonomou/AFP/Ritzau Scanpix

 

School photos have been the subject of public debate in Denmark this week after a report featuring parents who have their children’s images digitally enhanced.

Broadcaster DR earlier this week reported on the trend of parents requesting an idealized outcome of their kids’ class photos.

In one report, photographers described requests from parents to edit images by removing things like zits and cuts.

Another DR report featured a parent who said that she had asked for scratches and cuts to be removed from her four-year-old son’s picture, and for discolorations to be removed from his teeth.

“I just want him to look back on the photo when he is older without noticing the discolorations on his teeth,” Darlene Popkey Nielsen told DR in the report.

Focus on the trend has provoked a reaction from several politicians and public figures using the hashtag #delditskolefoto (share your school photo), with the overriding message ‘you are who you are’, referencing a popular Danish children’s song.

Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen is among those who have posted childhood photos on social media.

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“Edited child photos? No, right? We are who we are. Wonky teeth or whatever else it may be,” the PM wrote on Instagram.

Conservative party leader Søren Pape Poulsen and Inger Støjberg, deputy leader of the Liberals, also posted their childhood pics, as did Johanne Schmidt-Nielsen, former lead spokesperson with the Red Green Alliance who is now general Secretary with charity Save the Children Denmark.

View this post on Instagram

🎵Man er som man er, det ka' ikke laves om Man går rundt og ser ud, som man gjorde da man kom Du ka' drømme om at være en kineser i New York Men man er som man er, og det er godt nok🎵 Hvis jeg aldrig havde mistet mit leverpostejsfarvede hår, havde jeg da nok foretrukket det. Og netop derfor er dette billede et skønt minde fra min skoletid. Tænk, hvis jeg havde fået retoucheret min grydefrisure, de sprækkede læber eller fået gjort kinderne smallere. Det havde været helt forkert. Når flere forældre vil have deres børns skolefotos redigeret, så gør forældrene i virkeligheden børnene en bjørnetjeneste. At opdrage børn til, at man da bare kan retouchere virkeligheden væk, giver ikke børnene mere selvværd eller robusthed til at møde verden. Vi skal ikke feje alt det, der er svært, væk fra vores børn. De skal ikke pakkes ind i vat. De må møde virkeligheden, som den er. Også selvom virkeligheden ind i mellem er bumset og pubertær. Nej, man er som man er, og det er godt nok❤️ Læs historien her: https://www.dr.dk/nyheder/indland/skolefotografer-foraeldre-beder-os-fjerne-deller-og-gule-taender-paa-deres-boern

A post shared by Søren Pape (@soren_pape) on

“Teaching children than you can retouch reality away does not give children more self-value or the robustness to tackle the world. We should sweep everything that’s difficult away from our children,” Poulsen posted on Instagram.

After Schmidt-Nielsen published her pic, she followed up by posting a comparison between her young self and actor Matt Damon.

The Local/Denmark 

 

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