I Scream


When friends visit from out of town, I often go into a mild panic. Where to take visitors to impress, a local restaurant and not a non national chain restaurant.

This time its dinner.

Old Sacramento???…its okay but too touristy.
(When I lived in San Francisco, I refused to take anyone to the Wharf-with those tired tee shirt and novelty stores)

Around the Capitol???…too obvious.

Second Saturday would be perfect, but this is Tues.

My freinds are relocating here in the spring from San Jose, and drove up in my dream bus, a brand new Burgundy Ford Flex with a white top, its a giant Mini Cooper…. I like, I said.

After a few minutes of hugs and a tour of the car, my friends announce that they had a large lunch and wanted a place for dessert and coffee.

Being the native, I was assigned the driving duties. I drive a small car which would easily fit inside the Flex, after a hitting a few curbs this may be the car to view from afar.

Dessert and coffee was easy, Rick’s Dessert Diner on K. Easy in my car, but in the land yacht?

It’s Hott, cried one of he passengers. How bout some Ice Cream?

The car’s outdoor temperature read 79, Jeez, I said to myself, “they are going to die next summer”

Ice Cream was easy and difficult. Difficult was the traffic on the Cap City Freeway at 5:30pm, easy was Leatherbees.

Okay, according to News and Review, Gunther s and Vic have better tasting Ice Cream, but their sundaes look like the sundaes one would get a Denny’s

If you want a show, its Leatherbee’s, there is nothing neat and nice there and much of the fun is watching the expressions on the customers as these huge messy mouth watering concoctions are delivered to your table.

My 110 pound friend wanted an Rachel’s Sundae,and insisted she would finish it. The rest of us ordered conservative Sundaes, (Glen Beck would have been proud).

After Dessert, I thought we would drive through Rancho Cordova, before heading up to El Dorado Hills, Rancho has a negative reputation.  It’s not on the short list when it comes to home buyers so I wanted to show them some of the smart retail residential planning that has happened since their last visit.

God has a sense of humor.    Yes,She Does.

My stomach rumbled, this is NOT good as milk is not my friend, rumbling is a just the beginning of things to come, mean and nasty things.  Unlike my friends, I didn’t have a large lunch, in fact all I had eaten was a banana and a bagel.

It’s difficult to drive and hold your body tight. As I turned on to Zinfandel I noticed the car was very quiet. Somebody say something I said to myself , so I turned up the music.. and I knew I was going to blow any minute before we hit White Rock Road.

We crossed White Rock without incident. Just as I was going to turn into a shopping center, there was a backfire in the rear seat, windows opened immediately, it was the 110 pounder, her face bright red.  The laughter began, I blew, more laughter, more backfires from one ten,as I turned into Lowe’s another backfire from a new offender, one tens husband, I couldn’t drive any longer and in a scene from Blazing Saddles, the backfires were in surround sound. The laughter increased with every backfire.

After nearly an hour, with in between runs into Lowe’s rest rooms,we all decided it was best to reschedule the El Dorado home tour.

It seems that all of us has Lactose issues… One ten’s brother, was on pause, until they checked into the hotel, well almost, he reportedly started backfiring in the hotels lobby..

We all would like to thank Lowe’s Rancho Cordova for accommodating us and offer our sincerest apologies to those unfortunate persons who had to share air space with us.


Note: For those who have Lactose issues, take the pill at least 30 minutes before consuming dairy.