HOTEL CONFIDENTIAL: It’s My Pleasure to Be Your Night Auditor

By: an unknown and wonderful lady in the Sacramento Area.

Of all the nights in our hotel, I must say that I primarily  enjoy the u most has to be those incredible weekends.

I  looked forward to parties ,weddings,soccer and baseball matches and those we can’t  do this at home so lets rent a room  types of frivolity, that make my job as your night auditor so intriguing.

Yes, it’s my pleasure to serve you.

In fact, it’s begins just when your check in.  I can feel the excitement stirring in my breast when I watch your children grab fists fill of our complimentary candy.  Of course , I totally  understand why,when they don’t like a flavor, they spit those horrid morsels onto my nice clean floor.  And  that cute little  “oh well”,they’re just kids type of shrug you give me just makes my night.

Goodness, I am so sorry that of all the hotels  our Marriott chain that you’ve stayed at, I’m the only…..what was that you mentioned? ah yes-imbecile that has dared ask your for your ID, along with your credit card.     How moronic of me that I wouldn’t take your word for it. when I’ve never seen you in my life.   I’m sure someone’s see you lately.

And to think I couldn’t tell from the beginning that little fluffy was a trained guide dog when you actually carry her wherever you go.    I can’t believe how thoughtless and cruel I could be for asking to see her Service Dog tags.  I sincerely hope I didn’t hurt Fluffy’s feelings.

Naturally, I realize that being chaperons for a very lively ,Little League team is horribly demanding, so not I certainly don’t mind all nine of your relaxing on our back patio with five twenty four packs of Miller Highlife to take the edge off., while I chase down all your sweet ten year olds.   Happy to help out.  Anytime, tomorrow night too?    Sure-no problem.

I also enjoy those imaginative little surprises you leave me in the stairwells.   The unwrapped poopie diaper, the chunky vomit (which I find easier to clean than the purée type), and of course ,the night wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t get to clean up a hallway full of chewed and spat out  sunflower seed husks.   My all-time favorite by far was the cleverly devised  trail of partically sucked-on jelly beans during easter weekend  that led me on a merry cleaning spree down two hallways and up three flights of stairs ending at a colorful,sticky pile near your doorway.   I wonder if you’d noticed your little dears were out on their own having such fun.  It must have been thrilling.

Again, my humblest apologies for looking so shocked when you called me that interesting name  after I so rudely interrupted your fun little scream fest in the pool.  How insensitive of me to inform your that the pool had closed ten minutes ago-when I’d last informed you-just as your girlfriend ran outside without her top on. (I’m still wondering where she went.)

I realize, much to my chagrin that it’s my fault someone broke into your car and stole your laptop and cell phone that were sitting in plain view on your front seat.  I should have informed your that California actually has a thief or two.  Stupid of me not to mention it.

Of course, even through I’d informed you at check in about the breakfast hours, I’d be honored to bring out the whole menu of food because your hung over wedding party (who’d kept me  busy all night asking them nicely to vacate several choice locations)overslept and showed up a half hour after closing demanding your free breakfast.

I’ve nothing better to do.  The log entries, towel found, toilet cleaning,reservations taking, window washing, phone answering,sweeping and mopping can most assuredly wait.  Nothing is more important that catering to ten cranky family members with the munchies and very slow eating habits.   Certainly I’ll stick around hold the coffee carafe.  My pleasure to serve you.

And did I tell your how perfectly clever and hilarious your drunken friend’s suggestive pun lines and dirty little jokers were last night ( I guess he didn’t notice my reddened face.) My, but he was all the rage-especially when his equally tipsy girlfriend (or was she paid for ?)

The cheek-high skirt was a bit of a giveaway.) fall right intro our decorative plant. At last she sat down looking like she meant it-a very nice cover if you ask me.   And it’ll take  no time to fluff up the flatten branches.   My pleasure to help out.

Of course, I think its deplorable that nasty smoke alarm went off when you and your slightly unbalanced(at least he didn’t look like he could move)grandson smoked a pack of cigarettes-or something or other in our non-smoking rooms.   I can understand how easy it was for your to stand amidst your collection of empty beer bottles and scream wholeheartedly at the horrid device on the ceiling.  Once again, I apologize profusely that I couldn’t jump up and yank if off a ten foot high ceiling.  Forgive me for vacating the premises to fetch a ladder but I could barely see a thing in that dark room.  Actually, your room brought to mind a romantic moment I spent at four a.m in a London fogbank-how splendid of you to set the stage so well for me!  Oh you needn’t worry about your ghastly neighbor.  Complaints of being startled away by screaming and a loud alarm.  I can easily calm down all four families in no time.

Certainly, I’ll talk with my manager about lowering your rate for the inconvenience I’ve put you through.   I’ll call and wake her up straight away- as soon as I clean our last vacated room so your can transfer over  because I know you find in insufferable to stay near such outrageously rotten neighbors.  I so sympathize with you and your darling(are you sure he’s alright-that other interesting odor and the way his tounge is rolling out) ah, well, I’m sure your grandson is delightful during daytime.   No let me just go tidy that room for you.

Oh, the joys of adventurous weekends.  How love that I can serve such a vast variety of carefree companions.  Even the police enjoy their little chats and visit’s with you.!

But you must forgive my exhaustion as I’ve been happily racing back and fourth all night.  And truly , it must have been damaging to you and your family to see my perspiration.

To this is say, its been my pleasure to be your Night Auditor……

Published by CityFella

Moved to the Big Tomata in the nineties from San Francisco. No Suburbs for me with its single colored houses and lawns and the excitement of pulling out my trash can once a week. I'm a CityFella , a part time New Yorker. I'm happiest in the Center City where people the streets and people are alive. I'm still waiting to buy a 34th floor condo somewhere downtown/Midtown with a nightclub. "Hurry I'm old" My politics are somewhere in the middle with a needle that constantly moves. I'm too liberal to be a Republican and too conservative to be a Democrat. Everything interests me . I've come to love Sacratomato, Its a nice town in cheap sensible shoes .

3 thoughts on “HOTEL CONFIDENTIAL: It’s My Pleasure to Be Your Night Auditor

  1. I love those nights…that happen every week…roughly. Those kind of guests are sooooo charming?


    1. Chris… let me guess your an Auditor? The author is a hoot, would like her to b a regular contributor. Thanks for stopping by, and Chris dont be a Stranger……


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