Is Monogamy The Best Policy?


I recently came across an article asserting that monogamy is so difficult that many couples may be better off having open marriages, as long as they can agree upon the rules. Am I too mired down in traditional values, or is this idea ludicrous? Is sex outside of marriage not considered an “affair” if your spouse knows about it?

The article references the many celebrity affairs that have made recent news. We can’t get caught up in assuming celebrity relationships are like our own. They’re not. It seems that cheating is almost accepted in celebrity circles,despite the pain it causes. So let’s not compare ourselves to celebrities, or lose faith in monogamy just because famous men can’t keep it in their pants.

The article proposed polygamy with boundaries will help create a healthy marriage. To me, this is admitting people are not capable of a monogamous relationship. I suppose it could be true. Let’s face it,most men can’t keep it in their pants — famous or not. These rules help by setting boundaries around who each person can hook up with and how much they can do. Still, if my wife was out with another man, I’d sit home alone wondering what she was doing — even if I had the green light to be with someone else. I’d want to be with the woman I love, and no one else. So why allow anyone else in?

The article does make a great point about sexuality among married couples.  The advice is to be extremely open about what excites you. The article states that you should be “whores” with one another. Sex, just like other parts of the marriage, can go through “vanilla” phases. The best way around this is to experiment, and keep and open mind.

They say sex is best with the one you love, so why do so many people look outside of marriage for sex? I suppose people mistakenly think they are in love when they get married, or fall out of love after they’ve said “I do.” I would also say that there are monogamous people by nature and others who simply don’t have it in their DNA. I have plenty of married friends, and I’m certain they will remain faithful. So, there are people who can do it. The article harps on  the lofty impossible dream of monogamous marriage.  But, the idea that an open marriage, even with rules, can be healthy and void of drama seems pretty lofty and impossible to me too.

Are we saving marriage by proposing “polygamy rules?” We’re saying “OK, we agree we can’t be faithful, but we love each other so we’ll make it work by allowing each other to be with other people.” That statement seems a little odd to me. We all get urges, but purely physical urges are empty. To me, it should be easy to withstand an empty urge,or take care of it through masturbation.

Do you think an open marriage with boundaries would help your marriage? Could you ever been in a union like this?

By Rich Santos/Marie Claire

Published by CityFella

Big city fella, Born and Raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. Lived in New York (a part time New Yorker) for three years . I have lived in the Sacramento area since 1993. When I first moved here, I hated it. Initially found the city too conservative for my tastes. A great place to raise children however too few options for adults . The city has grown up, there is much to do here. The city suffers from low self esteem in my opinion, locals have few positive words to say about their hometown. visitors and transplants are amazed at what they find here. From, the grand old homes in Alkali Flats, and the huge trees in midtown, there are many surprises in Sacramento. Theater is alive is this area . And finally ,there is a nightlife... In.downtown midtown, for the young and not so young. My Criticism is with local government. There is a shortage of visionaries in city hall. Sacramento has long relied on the state, feds and real estate for revenue. Like many cities in America,Downtown Sacramento was the hub of activity in the area. as the population moved to the suburbs and retail followed. The city has spent millions to revive downtown. Today less than ten thousand people live downtown. No one at city hall could connect the dots. Population-Retail. Business says Sacramento is challenging and many corporations have chosen to set up operations outside the cities limits. There is vision in the burbs. Sacramento has bones, there are many good pieces here, leaders seem unable or unwilling to put those pieces together into. Rant aside, I love it here. From the trees to the rivers. But its the people here that move me. Sacramento is one of the most integrated cities in America. I find I'm welcome everywhere. The spices work in this city of nearly 500,000 and for the most part these spices blend well together. From Ukrainians to Hispanics and a sizable gay community, all the spices seem to work well here. I frequently travel and occasionally I will venture into a city with huge racial borders, where its unsafe to visit after certain hours. I haven't found it here. I cant imagine living in a community where there is one hue or one spice. I love the big trees, Temple Coffee House, the Alhambra Safeway, Zelda's Pizza, Bicyclist in Midtown, The Mother Lode Saloon, Crest Theater, and the Rivers. I could go on and I might. Sacramento is home.

3 thoughts on “Is Monogamy The Best Policy?

  1. The bible’s definition of monogamy precludes even looking at a member of the opposite sex with bed in your thoughts. Jesus Christ may have been able to do this, I haven’t.
    I look at other women and drool. I enjoy watching pornography (Some porn. Some of it’s just disgusting.) Niether my wife nor I have had sexual intercourse with others for nearly forty years. It has NOT been for lack of opportunity.
    I consider us to be monogamous. I like it this way.

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  2. Yep! My wife and I have an open marriage(OM), and it is a lot of fun. If you are the jealous type, or insecure, or controlling, then – no, it is not a good fit. Of course just because a couple does not have an open marriage does NOT mean that they are any of these things. Just – I would strongly advise against an open marriage if either or both have any of these traits. Also very strong/excellent communication skills go hand in hand with couples in an OM.

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