City Critters

I’m a city boy, I’m comfortable in an urban environment . I need city noise,  the sounds of people yelling, talking loud with an occasions screech of tires is calming.    The complete silence of rural life keeps me awake.    Camping is an options as long as I have a good  phone signal and the campsite is not too far from restaurants that deliver.

I’ m a Cityboy, I’ve been chased  by a knife wielding homeless person who wanted more than thirty-eight cents  in San Francisco’s Tenderloin.

Fought with  teenagers who thought I was a yokel because I was wearing a Texas Longhorn Teeshirt in a McDonald’s in Times Square.  The kids accused me of knocking a quarterpounder out of someone hands as  I was leaving the restaurant.   The kids followed me up Broadway screaming , wanting money Threating to kick my fat ass.

I bought a Sunday Times and ignored them and after a while got tired of  them following me.  I turned around, dropped  my newspaper to the ground  and  loudly told  them, they weren’t going to follow me anymore and we needed to fight here and now!     One of the kids tried to rush me and I pushed him into building,  fight over,they crossed the street yelling at me and for kicks and giggles I pretended to rush them and they took off.    I LOVE NY!!!!   ( In retrospect, what I did wasn’t smart-as we live in times where 10 years olds carry guns)

Sacramento isn’t San Francisco or New York, some of  our homeless say excuse me.  There aren’t any cat size rats downtown waiting for unsuspecting  person to casually toss raw garbage into the trash can.   I clearly remember being in the village and screaming like Jamie Lee Curtis in the first  “Halloween” movie when this huge city rat jump out of the can and bounced off me…..     I might be screaming now….     I know I screamed for days afterward avoiding large trash cans.    Today ,I know not to open trash cans at night.

2.5 million people live in Sacramento metro area.  The area is surrounded by agriculture (California’s largest industry) because of the bugs, this 6.4  big man has been cornered by huge,strange looking bugs.    One morning I entered my office on 12th street to find a wall of crickets, there were crickets mating in the urinal.  (no coffee for me) locals say this happens from time to time in this area.  It took a worker three hours to vacuüm those bugs off the wall . The next day the occupy cricket move ment was back on the walls and ceilings .  I called in sick for the rest of the week.

Last weekend, I thought I would get a little laundry done…  Its 2 am. I could take my MP3  player and getting a little reading down.  AT 2 am, I wont be forced to make small talk.   Just me and the Speed Queen’s    I take down the first load –detergent, softener, quarters.   Time to go up to my apartment for the second load.   I walked  around the corner, and there were two skunks.   Suddenly, I felt I was in one of those old Warner Brothers cartoons. where my black skin turned white.  Oh God, I’m gonna get sprayed!   The skunks turned around and casually walked away.   I’m  sure they were laughing at me and saying “Did you see that?  Yeah,did u see his face?    I’m sure those varmints got a good chuckle at my expense.

I run up the stairs,  grab my bedding and carefully walk down the stairs to the laundry room.  No critters, good.

First load done…. The other load is in the dryer……. I’m in the last stretch. Take this load up and its bedtime. Round the corner and this time there is this Raccoon. WTF!   Didn’t know I was living in “Wild Kingdom”   and this bastard is staring me down.  Not running away,its like “come on big man-I wish you would!   Two Squirrel’s, who should be sleep this time of the morning is watching the stare down.       After a couple of minutes the Raccoon and the Squirrel’s were gone.      In the apartment, I’m thinking of leaving the clothes in the dryer and coming down later in morning, I’ve had enough of the city critters .

And that’s just what I did.



  1. Hiding the links now are we? Yeah one night while doing security at “Hotel confidential” carrying my flashlight of the gods when I hear a rustle near the fence. I turn the light in that direction and a doe, a deer, a female deer was staring right at me then bounds off toward the freeway. Another night I was out taking a so called power walk when a family of racoons skittered into a drain hole in the curb. I haven’t been for a walk since. On yet another night, (I should probably start staying in doors at night) probably the same night I was about to fight a very large man at Wal-E-Mart for bumping into me with his shopping cart, as I was cut off on the main road by a fox, a real live fox crossing the road. So more recently I was out riding my bike in the city’s main sports complex parking lot at 02:30 in the afternoon. I see a wolf (turned out it was a coyote) crossing my path. Haven’t been there since either.


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