LOST IN IKEA (The Austin Chronicles)


If your a person who loves crowds and shopping, Ikea is your store.    Its is designed for the ultimate shopper, the browser who wants to see every square inch of the store.    But what  if your not the ultimate shopper?   What if your the kinda person who shops online, with a click of the button its sent to your door.   What if your the anti browser, the person who avoids stores on weekends and cringes at the thought of going into a Shopping Mall, the person  who goes into the store for exactly what he needs and leaves .

Meet Austin:   Austin  hates crowds and shopping. Being a good son,  finds himself at Ikea on a holiday weekend because his mother needed a few things.

The following is a series of text messages, sent to his wife.

These are the Austin Chronicles

The location: Ikea East Palo Alto, California 

Time: Memorial Day Weekend

I’m at Ikea with mom.  We ate and I went to smoke.  It took me fuckin 20 min to figure out how the hell to exit.   I’m NEVER  going to an Ikea Again. Wtf

You need to know a secret hand shake an be able to say the Star Spangle Banner backwards to get an employee to let you out.

 I told one Ikea person I needed to exit.  They tried to give me some fucked up directions with 15 damm turns to get to the registers.

I told one of the employees that I was goin out one of the emergency exits.  He then walked me out a more direct route. Wtf is up with the place? God Damn!

There are a lot more Indians here than I remember, and its asses to elbows. Everybody is in a zone.    I went from saying excuse me to MOVE!

Fuck this place with a spike covered dildo.

There are so many stupid azz people here you can play connect the dots.   And they dont give a shit about anything but the shiny colorful sparkly crap in front of them.

Maybe its the Bay Area, but damm.  I ain’t never moving back here.  EVER!

(Idk) how people like this place .  I just don’t see it.  If we ever get Ikea shit, its gonna be mail order!

Now I’ve been walking around for 10 god damm minute trying to find a the truck.  Fuck, I hate my life!

 I JUST found the truck. I circled the whole building. Couldn’t find it.   They have 2 levels of parking and I was on the wrong level. (fml)

Now I’m pissed, my back hurts and I fucking hate this place!

Oh, I dont care where mom is, cause she came here to window shop.

The story continues………….

I’m still at Ikea.  Moms card gets decline but she KNOWS she has $$$ in the account.  I’m waiting in the loading zone.

I go and park and put it on the card and I’m so done at this point, I just wanna go home. I sack up her stuff in a hurry and run to get the truck.

As I’m loading the truck she asks, where are my plants?

Well good god damm, guess what Austin didn’t sack up?

So now I sent mom back to get the damm plants.

I swear to Christ ,if we are here much longer I’m gonna to have to start paying rent.

I really wanna take a shit in their elevator for all my troubles. Maybe I’ll run a toy truck through it just for added flavor.

I hate this place…….

Short codes  

(Wtf) What the fuck?    (Idk) I dont care   (fml) Fuck my life


Published by CityFella

Moved to the Big Tomata in the nineties from San Francisco. No Suburbs for me with its single colored houses and lawns and the excitement of pulling out my trash can once a week. I'm a CityFella , a part time New Yorker. I'm happiest in the Center City where people the streets and people are alive. I'm still waiting to buy a 34th floor condo somewhere downtown/Midtown with a nightclub. "Hurry I'm old" My politics are somewhere in the middle with a needle that constantly moves. I'm too liberal to be a Republican and too conservative to be a Democrat. Everything interests me . I've come to love Sacratomato, Its a nice town in cheap sensible shoes .

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