White Men Dating Black Women (its a different world)

For a Black girl she looks good, but I like my women pink”    the comment was from a co-worker at the UA Movies4  in Fresno, California  where I worked while I  was a student in college.

The women, was Mona( Tracy Reed) who was the serious object of desire of T.C (Franklin Ajaye) in the 1976 movie Car Wash.

By 1976, most schools were integrated, white people weren’t alien to my generation.  The lines were still there, I knew when I couldn’t enter a friends house , it wasn’t a big deal and I knew when  they were forbidden to enter mine,  it was about the friendship.

The first real crush was on a girl named Aggie.  I was 16 and she and I were on the  youth city council.    She had long brown hair parted down the middle and wore round glasses like Billie Jean King.  She was kinda plain, but what I liked about her,was her strength, she was smart and outspoken.   At a conference in Southern California this white guy with an afro started chatting her up and I lost it.  Didn’t know why at the time,  but I couldn’t read or focus, I just felt hot and angry.

In college, I met a few black men who would only date white women, they had a list of negative things to say about black women.   Many of these men  had sisters, mothers, aunt’s and grandmothers they adored, it was something I never understood.


Other Stories of Race and Love

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I dated women of different races.   I understood the anger and resentment of some black women toward black men.      From what I remember, my mother told me . Part of the tension between black women an white men came from slavery.    White men could do whatever they wanted to black women.  The first sexual experience for some white men was with a black women.   She remembered at time when  she her and sister both in their early teens  was working for a white family.  Walking down a hallway,a hand came out of a doorway and  grabbed  her sister trying to pull her into a room,she pulled back on the other arm until he let go.      I  naively asked why didn’t she scream or anything?   She said to who?  If it where they lady of the house they would be fired and if  it were another male he might tell her if she didn’t comply she would be fired.  ” In those days, your mama ,aunt or older sister would tell you try not to be by yourself”   You just knew to avoid some places and never walk alone.

I’ve seen some black men ignore attractive black women in clubs.  Abandoning them to woo some  less attractive white women as they entered the club.  As a result I fought against the type.

But its difficult, the moment I entered venue with someone other than a black women, I was placed in the them file.   I would get the looks.  I dated quite a few black women. But what do you do when there are few blacks available in the dating pool?   In college, at work and organizations, I was often the only person of color.   I’ve heard some black women say, they simply could not date out of their race, especially a white man.

I married a white girl……..

Early on in the marriage ,our interactions with white women and black men were curious.  Interactions with white men and black women were often hostile.    In venues where the majority of the patrons were white, men would bump into me, in dance clubs the music would change into non-dance able music.      My wife experienced  hostility from female family members,  if there were other exchanges she didn’t say.

Outside of those few negative exchanges, we were your run of the mill family with children.    We were married at a time where black men-white women couplings  had become part of the fabric.

When we left San Francisco to Sacramento we noticed there were quite a few interracial couplings, more so than San Francisco.  At  a school play in the South Natomas neighborhood of Sacramento  We spent more time looking around at the various couple and children then we did the actual play.  For the first time, mixed couples out numbered the same race couples.

The Changing World and Ricki Lake

The standard of beauty was a woman with European features, anyone else was inferior.   The further you were from that standard the less appealing you where.

Those images on TV and in the movies for the most part are of  white women with perfect bodies. I believe where why some men of color abandon women of their race for what they perceive is the standard.

Now of course, this is idiocy but we are a visual world.  Minute by minute, hour by hour, these are the images that average person sees.   That’s why Clairol sells more blonde hair color than any other formula.

Then one day the  world changed.  Interracial relationships entered your homes through the back door on talk shows like Ricky Lake.    Everyday, a new generation was exposed to black/white and other interracial relationships.    Unlike earlier generations this generation is exposed to persons of different ethnicity on a daily basis.

There are fewer stories of having to wait outside.    On episodic television  interracial couplings became part of the story line. So interracial relationships weren’t viewed in catastrophic terms.  Somewhere in Iowa, there is the cutest mixed baby.

Its a different world from where I come from

There are more images of women of color  in the media than ever before.  The standard is slowly evolving, images of attractive black women is common on TV.   Interracial couplings aren’t  foreign to this generation.

White men routinely see, images of attractive black women of  television.   Many grew up watching  videos the world has changed.   Today there are white man/black women couplings on television.

Still, dating white men is challenging for some black women.   Unlike black men, history, tradition is still a factor.   Disapproval from family and other black women is present today.

Black men and the double take 

Last fall I drove from Atlanta to Birmingham, Alabama.  In the Riverchase Mall where I came across a couple of White Men/Black Women couples.  One couple in their 30’s were very affectionate, their affection didn’t go unnoticed.  At one point I said to myself, Alabama?

I admit doing a double take when I see a white man and a black women together and being somewhat  embarrassed by it.    It’s simply rare.   Most of my black female friends over thirty five readily admit the difficultly of dating out of their race, its something they are uncomfortable with.  “With one woman saying her sixty something mother wouldn’t have it!”   I could date a Mexican but that’s about it….. a white man?  oh no! 

For those women under thirty, its more of pause than an absolute.

For decades black men have been dating white women, and yet many black men are uncomfortable seeing black women with white men.   I am unsure of the reasons.

Like my generation and the generation that followed, I believe the issues of race will continue to erode over time….


Stepping into the Wayback Machine (1978)

His White Brother in Law




  1. death to sellout black women. We been through too much to give the best of us to OUTSIDERS. A nation is decimated based on the loyalty and good sense of the FEMALE….or lack thereof.

    Keep it all in mind. But with everything past and present which is obviously against black people. No one should need to beg black women to stay with the race…and not believe tv lies about the bulk of black men being gay, imprisoned or losers. Many black women are lesbian so 2million more black female singles means NOTHING.

    Observe the behavior of other race groups women as it relates to the sexual andmoral dishonesty of those man; white, asian, latin and ARAB. They support their men no matter what. No ones going to tell them what to believe or choose. The nation that needs its womans support and unconditional love the most of all, receives it the least of all….and watches its female stock be taken…used..monetized…humiliated…and impregnated. BY OTHERS. often rejects. Yet you all deserve it and defend the non black men and teardown the black men. wow. I dont know how the hell to feel no more


  2. everyone has an opinion , it is a heated debate for sure. and to be honest city fella i think you have not gone fully into the depth of it all and are viewing it in somewhat rose colored glasses. and maybe its just about our own experiences. i have dated outside my race since i started dating .. i have had family stop talking to me , i was cornered and threatened in an alley of 5 complete strangers ( black women) and told not to date my boyfriend at the time, i have been treated differently and with deep hatred by black women, white men, white women, hispanic men and hispanic women in that order of severity. i grew up in a different generation that my grandparents and parents . i wanted to meet everyone find out why we are all different , embrace those differences and learn from our history and change the present and future. i spent much of my teenage and college years fighting in schools for acceptance and diversity and trying to bridge the gaps between races . i chose to lead by setting the example. I try to understand the past of our ancestors , It is painful for me to see how based on a simple feature of looks, skin color, sexual orientation, fat or skinny…etc how we brutally attack and bully others to the point of death, sexual violation, physical and mental abuse , and in the vicious ways we have done and continue to do so. Racism is not going away . i do think over time interracial dating has been more accepting but the sides of those that have open their minds are not . it will always be a struggle sadly to say . I will forever be judged as ” the white man” because of my ancestry. I get it . Even though my mind and actions are different and fight against it to the core of my being . Heck you can see the difference in the responses posted here, I can respect those voices because i know where it comes from . but i refuse to live my life hating someone i dont even know for who they choose to date, what they choose to wear, whom they choose to love, My family and friends are filled with people that are black, white , muslim, hispanic, jewish, italian, african, lesbian, gay, have mental illness, have physical disabilities,fat skinny, criminal backgrounds, teachers and lawyers some are strongly opinionated others are meek and soft spoken, some are happy and others angry at the world . i have learned to love each and everyone of them for the uniqueness and individuality that they bring to the world and MY world . i embrace the love of others and extend that love out to all those who may need it. If someone else hates me for that then so be it . i cant change everyone, but i do hope i set a good example for some .


  3. i comfortably date white men & black men NO PROBLEM! most of my family date interracially since the 60’s sooo im NOT feeling these HUGELY biased statements in the post in fact i laugh at how its being said black women must get approval from family I DONT and wont allow nothing family says, genuine family now thats another story plus genuine family wants whatever makes me happy! i get pampered and spoiled by ALL men


  4. Well Jason call us sell outs if you want! But what you must learn is that no person of any race has to date or marry someone that shares the same skin. The fact that anyone makes that type of comment shows exactly why a person that isn’t ignorant to the world wouldnt date you.

    What it comes down to is a persons prefernece, and how people think.
    Jason, I could share the same skin color as any other black person all day, but we do not all think the same, act the same, do the same things or live the same.

    Ever heard the saying birds of a feather flock together? well that applies to everything and everyone.Hell! I don’t like criminals, therefore I wont allow them in my company, but I guess you think if a criminal is black and I am black that I should understand and be with them huh? LOL.

    Jason, you are broken minded just like many black men (not all)
    , and you have so much more to learn if you are going to stay out of trouble in this world 🙂


  5. Bottom line Jason, every human being has the right to be where they are happy, and if you do not know this, then are you are being controlled right now into believing that the only way you can be happy is when someone else is deciding your lifestyle for you.


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