Comedian Joan Rivers is heading back to the UK on her It’s Now Or Never tour. The legendary Queen Of Mean is now 79 – so here are 79 of her best one-liners and bitchiest putdowns.
Joan Rivers is a living legend, if she is touring anywhere in the world catch her!
1) It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t remember who gets tied up.
2) I’ve worked with Angelina Jolie. She saw a sign that said ”WET FLOOR” one time, and she did.
3) I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.
4) I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
5) My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.
6) All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
7) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks…
8) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
9) Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try and play John F. Kennedy’s wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it.
10) I said to my husband, “Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?” He said, “I don’t want to wake you up.”
11) I hate thin people; “Oh, does this tampon make me look fat?”
12) I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”
13) Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.?
14) All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.?
15) Bo Derek is so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
16) My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there but they don’t want to visit.
17) I said to my husband, “my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs”. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”
18) At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
19) When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
20) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.
21) I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
22) My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
23) Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
4) I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.
25) I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: ‘Last Girl Before Freeway.’
26) Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.
27) I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me “sir”.
28) I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist examines me by telephone.
29) Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
30) I hate euphemisms. “My Ralphie passed this morning.” No he didn’t. He’s dead. He’s not passing anything. He can’t move. That’s the whole point, you idiot.
31) I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”
32) As a Jew, I don’t want to see Mel Gibson at a party. I don’t want to run into him in the kitchen because there’s an oven in it and I’m afraid of what he might do.
33) A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.
34) It’s so EASY being a Catholic. All you have to do is get f***ed by a priest, and they give you a set of candlesticks.
35) Marie Osmond is so pure, not even Moses could even part her knees.
36) I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
37) My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.” And she says the same thing back, “How’d you get this new number?”
38) I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
39) I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
40) Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins.
46) Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated.
47) I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’
48) I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
49) If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
50) I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
51) When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now… once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
52) A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
53) Gay marriage – I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
54) My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
55) When I was born, my mother asked the doctor “will she live?” He said: “Only if you take your foot off her throat”.
56) Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
57) You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell ‘mom’ backwards.
58) My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
59) When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton’s poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.
60) My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
61) Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
62) I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, “You are here”. I wore Angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
63) I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.
64) I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn’t sleep with other women.
65) I had this old guy give me a hickey – he left his teeth in my neck
66) The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
67) Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the?inoleum. “My God, the floor’s immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch.”
68) Melanie Griffith is very sweet but dumb – the lights are on but the dogs aren’t barking.
69) People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
70) Camilla Parker-Bowles is so ugly that at airports they make her frisk herself
71) Grandchildren can be so f***ing annoying. How many times can you go, “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
72) No-one says this, but the vagina drops. I looked down a few years ago and thought, “Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?”
73) The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
74) I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.
75) Bo Derek has no concept of Roman numerals. She thinks we just fought World War Eleven.
76) My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
77) I can confirm Russell Crowe does not wear deodorant. In Australia I believe that they call that animal magnetism.
78) You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
79) How could Princess Di not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich with a husband who didn’t want to sleep with her. And she had a crown!