Chocolate Kamakazi

She always had it her way.  Her mother made major plans for her arrival into this world.  This time there would not be a sterile delivery room, this room was bright and airy.   On the TV, would be a video of waves crashing in the background, her mother made a cassette tape and there would be snacks.   This was HUGE and very important to her mother who due to a last-minute drug, doesn’t remember the birth of her brother.  Not this time……..

As her mother and I were watching a late night western on TV  her water broke, we laughed (oh that’s how this works?)  Within seconds the child was in the drive through Express Lane and it was all systems go, in our tiny Cow Hollow Apartment.    I called 911, who sent the fire department and before you could say “How U Doin”  Elizabeth popped out on the sofa.   Her brother missed the coming out party, because there were firemen in his home.

Elizabeth’s brother Xavier was quiet and shy.     Your first child should not be quiet, shy, and no problem, because they are misleading.  Parents assume that they will all be this way..

Oh my gawd!

Queen Elizabeth was quite the charmer.  Rules applied to mere peasants not the Queen.    While my position in the family was the enforcer, at other time my job was to entertainer her.    Her brother and I were often court jesters for the queen as she could scream for hours .   Her mother was often in a state of shock.

When her brother was about four years old, he terrorized me, not his mother me !


However, Queen Elizabeth went after her.       (ahahahahahahaahaha)

The Workers  at Northpoint Safeway looked forward to our visits

We where the typical working family.  Some days my wife would collect the children from daycare and some days I would.    The routine was daycare ,Safeway then home.

The grocery product or placement planners have no soul.  They surround the check out areas with impulse items.     If you’re a parent with small children, this is the worst area of the store.   You have to walk the gauntlet .   Mommy can I have?    No, no, no….   No candy, no chips, no cookies……

My son would quietly whine, boy stop that!     Your not getting anything!      Elizabeth, would scream , one swat on her floral Pampers ended the screaming forever, just once, never had to do it again.   However, I had the most pitiful looking children in the store, they pointed at the Hershey’s as we left the store.

The experience for my wife was very different.   Once again, no worked on the boy, but he is a peasant.   What ever Elizabeth wanted, she got.    With her mother, she didn’t ask, she would just take what he wanted.     At two years old, Elizabeth had expensive taste.     While she could easily reach the Hershey’s and Milky Way’s, she went for the gold…   The three dollar bars of See’s Chocolates.

The Dance (It’s all in the Timing)

As her mother was paying for the items… Elizabeth would quickly grab a bar of chocolate.   As her mother reached for candy, Elizabeth would bite through the paper.    Then its on….. on one side is the mom, tugging on the bar of chocolate, on the other side with the jaws of life is the two year old.  Big  Brother watching the spectacle on the sidelines.

You could see the smiling eyes at the Northpoint Safeway, they knew, with that little girl, there is going to be a show.

The queen arrived at the apartment in a chocolate mess, the candy bar still in her teeth.  Her mother would enter with chocolate sauce on coat, frustrated to the ninth degree. Questions could lead to an  attack or tears.

This scene repeated several times  until mom gave in…. She would hand the child a Snickers.  I wanted to ask why, but for my own safety, I thought silence is best.


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