The Toddler Terrorist

The first child,  cant grow up fast enough, walk fast enough, or talk fast enough and of course being the first born means he isn’t an ordinary child, these children are exceptional, and if your smart you you’ll agree with the parent! or there’s hell to pay!

My son was bright and shy, some days he had a lot to say but most days he was quiet.  Xavier had great smile. Being a dad is tough, not only do we bring home the bacon, but we have to deal with momma(  Ok! Why  did you buy this brand of bacon-what, was it on sale? this went on for two days ) Jeez.

So why is his is first word mommy?   What a rip! Mommy! For months, the boy would call me mommy.  But never in car, never at home.   It was always in public… mommy.    WTF! At check out at Safeway, mommy. At the hardware store, Mommy. Hanging with my boys, MOMMY! Of course, I would correct him. Now my first instinct was mildly choke him until he said daddy or kick him into traffic, but now a days you can get arrested for something like that. Noooo, son, daddy, daddy,I’m daddy and just when I thought dad-die was sinking in, he would smile at me and say mommy?   Of course this would elicit snickers from people in line…. Jerks! . One woman at the Safeway ,at Church and Market smiled and said, oooh you sure got a big mommy!   I wanted to kick HER assets in  traffic !  That was the last time we were in THAT Safeway together.  BASTARDS!

One day he got it….  He called me Daddy.  Daddy, daddy, DADDY! Church bells rang all over San Francisco, Daddy, yeah!

Cue, Scary music…….

Xavier is now forming sentences…. Daddy can I have a cookie?  Daddy, buy me this…..  So proud I was, daddy.   I’m daddy, dad.

One day we were at the Safeway, and some women said, aren’t you cute……….  Xavier smiled and said, ‘me and my daddy just had sex”         I can’t remember much after that…..  I don’t remember if it was sunny, or cloudy, I don’t remember paying for the food.  I mean when or how do you prepare for something like that!   I do remember trying to correct him…Noooooo Xavier that didn’t happen with Xavier saying uh huh…..


Like Al Qaeda, you never knew when he would strike and when he struck  your whole world is done!    BOOM!  A mega bomb has exploded leveling you and your world !    You just knew everyone was watching,  calling authorities.   So you don’t  look up or around, you gently grab your son and walk.       And for some reason this never happened around his mother.   It was a DADDY exclusive. This didn’t happen every time we were out .   Days, weeks would go by and nothing . Then one day……..     His triggers were the same. A women speaking to him eye to eye.   “Someone is really enjoying that snow cone…...._”me and my daddy had sex” Aren’t you cute…..“me and my daddy just had sex” Hi little boy……..”me and my daddy had sex”

Fuck Man,  I need an Exorcist….. I checked every phone book in the San Francisco Bay Area and couldn’t find an Exorcist  We didn’t have much money in those days, but I thought If I could find an understanding Exorcist (one who has experience  working with possessed children) he would understand and  I could work it off doing odd jobs. Cleaning Vomit, or polishing crucifix’s.

My son was/is very cute what better place to show off my seed than my ultra religious god parents. It was father and son day.    I loaded up his goodie bag, with raisins, crackers, and juice boxes.  We sang songs in the Mazda as we were crossing the Bridge. My godparents in their seventies, loved me and no matter what happened I was counting on their UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

With picture in hand, Xavier was in good spirits.  and now the test..        You have a fine boy……(wait for it- nothing) a fine boy-handsome like his daddy.     Now when your going to take him to church!   You know the lord, you were brought up in church, the true church and you and your family need to go!  My godmother right on cue. Xavier is exploring-walking around….god parents are okay with it.

Cue, Scary music ……


I forgot my godfather dips snuff ……..he spits into a large coffee can  in living room, next to his recliner. Xavier finds the coffee can and spills the contents on him. Silence…..( I am part Egyptian with a small apartment on da-nile) I figured, my god mother would grab him in clean him up.

Warning: Sexist Alert  If I were an established mother, and saw a young father in an oblivious state of shock, I would have taken the child and cleaned him up. No one moved…. I can’t do it…  There was nothing in the parent magazine that dealt with foreign spit.  (In my head I’m saying )Fuck, does anyone have any gasoline?    Lets just torch the little shit.

He’s crying now, and I take him to the bathroom and  take off his shoes and dump him with clothes on in the tub.  I am sick, I didn’t sign up for this.  My godmother comes to bathroom and scrubs his clothes in the sink.     “How come you didn’t bring him a change of clothes?    (in my head- don’t test me old woman).  I’m gonna go put these in the dryer…. where’s his momma.?  (please die)

She comes back with a blanket,  does he like peanut butter, (yes maam)  She come back with a small peanut butter sandwich and box of apple juice.  Xavier grabs the sandwich, what do you say?    Say Thank you Xavier    Tank you….     I want your daddy to bring you to church!  (she’s giving me the ugly look)      Xavier takes a big sip of apple juice……   Me and my mommy and daddy have sex.     I stare at the porcelain walls of the bathroom. You do?, she says un huh, he smiles

Where are the cyanide capsules? , where is the 45?….I just want to die,right here……. Let me see if his clothes are dry. She and my godfather go into the garage . (Come on you know what that’s about-when your parents who never talk to each other-suddenly go for a chat!) My stomach is burning…….. To my surprise, Xavier gives her a hug.   Its time to leave. I thought about visiting cousins in East Oakland, but I’m good.

I shared the day with his mother, who thinks its hysterical (she can’t catch her breath) funny.  

 “He has never said anything like that around me”


I’m not sure why, but I went into his room and I asked him, what is sex? He response was you, you? I asked, the he said me, Me? I asked? I don’t know  and don’t care..         He never said it again……      Finally, free from the curse…. I can still hear those church bells……..       And I can’t wait until he has children!


And, I plan to laugh,laugh,laugh

I’m owed!



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