Dates so bad they’re amazing


Emma Freedman says we can all learn from these terrible dates. Picture: Toby Zerna

 

By Emma Freedman/news.com au

“I JUST don’t know what is wrong with guys” one of my besties recently announced. “Like seriously, can you help me figure out what the hell is going on. Where are the normal ones?” she pleaded.

It’s a fair question my friend Michaela* raised during a recent dinner, as she reeled off an enormous list of her most recent conquests. Like perusing a brightly coloured, thinly stocked catalogue inserted mercifully into a Saturday newspaper, it was addictive listening. There were A LOT of things wrong with the guys she’d been dating.

The world says we must learn from our experiences, or repeat the same mistakes over and over again. So in a community service to daters of the universe, here is a list of things you can do wrong on dates. And, yes, while this may look like man bashing, it’s not gender exclusive. I just only have male characters to refer back to. So there.

DAVID

A vet who told her on their first date about a massive growth on a horse’s genitals that he had to saw off with a knife. She still dated him for about two months. So, automatically, you can’t accuse her for being judgmental. The takeaway from this is simple; don’t talk about any form of genitals on the first date. Not yours, nor horses.

KONSTANTIN

A Russian investment banker with a certain sleaze in his voice as he squinted his eyes and said to her “You are beautiful, Michaela”. He went quiet on her after she refused to stay the night following a Sunday dinner on their second date. Heard from him three weeks later at about midday wondering if she was anywhere near Bondi. WTF? Did the guy need a lift? Get the bus.

 


“Sidetrack”

Lies and More Lies

More men lie about age than women


 

 

BART

A selfie enthusiast with a chiselled jaw and perfectly quiffed hair who Michaela had spotted on multiple occasions at various la-di-da events. She admits the night of their first date she was, quote, ‘wasteyfaced’ and maybe threw herself a little too hard at Bart. That was, until he started to constantly talk about his ex-fiance who he broke up with two weeks ago. She also happened to touch his arms, and female intuition told her that the spikeyness she felt had to be attributed to a razor. Multiple learning’s here. Probably don’t go on too much about your ex-fiance two weeks after a breakup. Don’t shave your arms, even if they are really hairy. And definitely don’t get too ‘wasteyfaced’.

RANDOM TINDER DATE

The protagonist in this tale doesn’t have a name, because she can’t remember it. They were having great Tinder banter, so agreed to meet up. Michaela suggested an afternoon drink on a Sunday. After one drink and upon returning to their bar table with the second beverage, Random Tinder Date tried to pash her. Freakin weird. Learning — Give yourself at least til the end of the date to go in for a smooch.

ALEXANDER

A guy Michaela met while on a plane from Tokyo to New York. He was a hot ski journalist from the States. Ladies — imagine the beard. Flight departed at 6.30pm, and with the two of them sitting conveniently together in a three-seat row with one seat empty, it made for the perfect date. But Alex took it a little too far when only 90 minutes in he asked her to join the Mile High Club. She politely declined. The six hours proceeding that incident were, in her words, ‘Hell above earth’. The Mile High Club is never a good idea, unless you own a G6.

Believe me, Michaela and I aren’t perfect. If she or I had applied some of these takeaways to our entire dating history, we’d both be married by now.

Some of the advice we want to pass on, like the aforementioned issues, are easy to live by. But some is fairly contradictory. For example:

Be yourself/be mysterious

Be assertive/let him lead

Play hard to get/be approachable

Date outside of your network/only date those you know and can trust

So many bloody learnings and none of them are consistent. But I guess if there was one thing to really take on-board, it’s not dating while ‘wasteyfaced’. Because we all know how that ends.

Emma Freedman is a radio host and television presenter. Her debut novel is due in stores April 2016. Follow Emma on Twitter and Instagram

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