Dates so bad they’re amazing

Emma Freedman says we can all learn from these terrible dates. Picture: Toby Zerna


By Emma Freedman/ au

“I JUST don’t know what is wrong with guys” one of my besties recently announced. “Like seriously, can you help me figure out what the hell is going on. Where are the normal ones?” she pleaded.

It’s a fair question my friend Michaela* raised during a recent dinner, as she reeled off an enormous list of her most recent conquests. Like perusing a brightly coloured, thinly stocked catalogue inserted mercifully into a Saturday newspaper, it was addictive listening. There were A LOT of things wrong with the guys she’d been dating.

The world says we must learn from our experiences, or repeat the same mistakes over and over again. So in a community service to daters of the universe, here is a list of things you can do wrong on dates. And, yes, while this may look like man bashing, it’s not gender exclusive. I just only have male characters to refer back to. So there.


A vet who told her on their first date about a massive growth on a horse’s genitals that he had to saw off with a knife. She still dated him for about two months. So, automatically, you can’t accuse her for being judgmental. The takeaway from this is simple; don’t talk about any form of genitals on the first date. Not yours, nor horses.


A Russian investment banker with a certain sleaze in his voice as he squinted his eyes and said to her “You are beautiful, Michaela”. He went quiet on her after she refused to stay the night following a Sunday dinner on their second date. Heard from him three weeks later at about midday wondering if she was anywhere near Bondi. WTF? Did the guy need a lift? Get the bus.



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A selfie enthusiast with a chiselled jaw and perfectly quiffed hair who Michaela had spotted on multiple occasions at various la-di-da events. She admits the night of their first date she was, quote, ‘wasteyfaced’ and maybe threw herself a little too hard at Bart. That was, until he started to constantly talk about his ex-fiance who he broke up with two weeks ago. She also happened to touch his arms, and female intuition told her that the spikeyness she felt had to be attributed to a razor. Multiple learning’s here. Probably don’t go on too much about your ex-fiance two weeks after a breakup. Don’t shave your arms, even if they are really hairy. And definitely don’t get too ‘wasteyfaced’.


The protagonist in this tale doesn’t have a name, because she can’t remember it. They were having great Tinder banter, so agreed to meet up. Michaela suggested an afternoon drink on a Sunday. After one drink and upon returning to their bar table with the second beverage, Random Tinder Date tried to pash her. Freakin weird. Learning — Give yourself at least til the end of the date to go in for a smooch.


A guy Michaela met while on a plane from Tokyo to New York. He was a hot ski journalist from the States. Ladies — imagine the beard. Flight departed at 6.30pm, and with the two of them sitting conveniently together in a three-seat row with one seat empty, it made for the perfect date. But Alex took it a little too far when only 90 minutes in he asked her to join the Mile High Club. She politely declined. The six hours proceeding that incident were, in her words, ‘Hell above earth’. The Mile High Club is never a good idea, unless you own a G6.

Believe me, Michaela and I aren’t perfect. If she or I had applied some of these takeaways to our entire dating history, we’d both be married by now.

Some of the advice we want to pass on, like the aforementioned issues, are easy to live by. But some is fairly contradictory. For example:

Be yourself/be mysterious

Be assertive/let him lead

Play hard to get/be approachable

Date outside of your network/only date those you know and can trust

So many bloody learnings and none of them are consistent. But I guess if there was one thing to really take on-board, it’s not dating while ‘wasteyfaced’. Because we all know how that ends.

Emma Freedman is a radio host and television presenter. Her debut novel is due in stores April 2016. Follow Emma on Twitter and Instagram

Published by CityFella

Big city fella, Born and Raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. Lived in New York (a part time New Yorker) for three years . I have lived in the Sacramento area since 1993. When I first moved here, I hated it. Initially found the city too conservative for my tastes. A great place to raise children however too few options for adults . The city has grown up, there is much to do here. The city suffers from low self esteem in my opinion, locals have few positive words to say about their hometown. visitors and transplants are amazed at what they find here. From, the grand old homes in Alkali Flats, and the huge trees in midtown, there are many surprises in Sacramento. Theater is alive is this area . And finally ,there is a nightlife... In.downtown midtown, for the young and not so young. My Criticism is with local government. There is a shortage of visionaries in city hall. Sacramento has long relied on the state, feds and real estate for revenue. Like many cities in America,Downtown Sacramento was the hub of activity in the area. as the population moved to the suburbs and retail followed. The city has spent millions to revive downtown. Today less than ten thousand people live downtown. No one at city hall could connect the dots. Population-Retail. Business says Sacramento is challenging and many corporations have chosen to set up operations outside the cities limits. There is vision in the burbs. Sacramento has bones, there are many good pieces here, leaders seem unable or unwilling to put those pieces together into. Rant aside, I love it here. From the trees to the rivers. But its the people here that move me. Sacramento is one of the most integrated cities in America. I find I'm welcome everywhere. The spices work in this city of nearly 500,000 and for the most part these spices blend well together. From Ukrainians to Hispanics and a sizable gay community, all the spices seem to work well here. I frequently travel and occasionally I will venture into a city with huge racial borders, where its unsafe to visit after certain hours. I haven't found it here. I cant imagine living in a community where there is one hue or one spice. I love the big trees, Temple Coffee House, the Alhambra Safeway, Zelda's Pizza, Bicyclist in Midtown, The Mother Lode Saloon, Crest Theater, and the Rivers. I could go on and I might. Sacramento is home.

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