Just because it zips………….

Remember this Oprah? If your under 35 probably not.  This Oprah went on a liquid diet and lost a ton of weight.  In the wagon is fat, the fat represents the weight she lost. The fat she hoped was gone forever.  Look at those jeans, the belt, her posture, I’m sure, as she was getting dressed, she said to herself, ‘I’m one hot bitch!”

After the weight returned I wonder  how long she held on to those jeans. its possible she still has them.  And Oprah, your still one hot Bitch!

A billion years ago I lost 122 pounds, like Oprah my weight was in the past tense, never to return.  I threw away my chubet clothes and headed for the Jean Factory on Market Street.  I spent my entire check on cotton and polyester shirts. (the fashion of the day).  No big and tall stores for me (past tense) .

I think I gained weight on the bus to my apartment, the clothes seemed tighter at home.   Within a week, there was a problem,  it had to be the Indian cotton, it shrinks faster than good ole american cotton.   Even the polyester and the plastic buttons were sub par, blame Bangladesh.

Weight has been an issue all my life. I have lost thousands through various weight loss programs.  However,what I learned from the first weight loss is to hold on to your clothes.

My closet is a virtual men’s store, with a wide range of sizes.  I try not to be too trendy, so a year or years from now I’m not stuck with pleated bell bottoms.  However, there was this pair of pants.  I bought them in Harlem. It was love at first zip.   I wore them out of the store.  They were the type of pants that made you stand taller.    I felt hot and sexy in these pants with the copper zippers.  Zippers everywhere, front, back, legs.   These where the pants I was going to be buried in.  Yessss, it was just that serious!

After a year or so, the pants ended up in my store until I could zip them again.  Every once in a while I would attempt to put the pants on. With every ounce of weight I loss ,I’d try the pants. . This went on for years. Then one day I was able to get them past my “we are the world thighs” but still unable to zip them.

One day ,I was able to zip of my sexy jeans sort of.   Never mind I could barely breath and the uber tight jeans didn’t look sexy.  They zipped. A win!

Getting in my car was dicey.  There was a small hole in the right thigh.  As I moved my foot  from the accelerator to the brake pedal, the hole grew larger.   Now a normal person would have returned home and put on a suitable pair of pants.  But I was at the mall already and since I was only going to J.C Penney’s the pants should hold up.

The Computer says No!

As I was getting out of my car, something ripped..  I furiously checked the pants, nothing. Well almost, the hole had gotten larger.  I parked on the upper level of the parking garage. The department I wanted was on the second floor. It was going to be a quick in and out.

They relocated my department to the first floor.   As I’m going down the escalator one of my prized copper zippers is now open, the good news there is a panel so no brown flesh is showing.

More good news, I could see the department, it was only a few feet from the escalator. My shirt I wanted was nearly front and center, as I leaned over to pick it up, the fabric in the back of my pants pocket gave way and I could feel air.  My white Fruit of the Looms are now visible to the shoppers.  (Briefs-pencils down)  I asked a person on the floor where the men’s room is , so I can inspect the damage.   Its on the second floor and the fucking elevator is on the other side of the store. So Its the escalator.

I stepped on the escalator and turned around.  Yes its was odd. As you move up every body can see your behind.  I wasn’t giving any one a show for free.   If they want to see my ass I want dolla bills!  Stepping off was tricky.(side step)

In the rest room, it was much worse than I thought.  It was the inner seam that ripped leaving me with one seam of defense and it was pulling.  The rear rip was bad,  it had ripped beyond the line of my looms and my left rear leg  was exposed.  The coveted zippers were twisted as if they  had been  in a massive earthquake, to make matters worse, the front zipper would not zip up.

When I returned to from the restroom, there was a salesperson watching me.  Finally a break, no one was at the cashier.   I had a reason to smile.   Just pay and out the door to my car.  I had learned my lesson for ever.  Just cause it zips doesn’t mean you should wear it. As I reached into my deep back pocket to get my wallet, the front snap popped off hitting the cashier, the front zipper broke.

I’m sure when she came to work that day, she had no idea a big black man pants would explode in front of her.



1 Comment

  1. Oprah quotes and promotions are all over the map. Will she say and do anything to sell and make money. One of her super soul promotions was quack faith healer john of god and his up your nose surgery to cure cancer. Unbelievable quackery. But not for Oprah, check what happened to Lisa Melman, the woman Oprah used on her show to promote this. Tragic. After Oprah promoted quack faith healer john of god and this woo, I stopped believing everything she says.


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