When YOU have to make an excuse for your significant other

There are people who were born with mental defects, there are many names for them. The defects are challenging  for those individuals to navigate in society.

There are others who simply behave badly.  They’re are rude, self centered , some are mentally and physically abusive and yet they are able to hold down a job . Some  maintain solid relationships .

After the first date you saw it!

Unexplained anger, the lack of patience and other flaws.  Short and rude with the waitress, aggressive driving,stories of his or her victimization.

Alone, you reasoned it away.  Perhaps you were over thinking it.  After all he was very kind to you and you felt good with him.  Weeks, months later he screamed at you.   She apologized , she would never scream or hurt you, the man she loves.

Again you questioned it.  When the two of  you were together the feelings were wonderful, he treated you like a king.  After a few months of dating you find yourself  nervously on standby for an outburst or unexpected flare up even though he hasn’t attacked you.

At a social event with friends and family, an outburst!  You make up an excuse; nerves, tired, work, something to protect your significant other.    On the ride home he rages at you. You weren’t supportive, your friend or family are bullies or said or did something  to provoke him

A friend or family calls ,to discuss the event.  They question your choice. You make excuses for him and at the same time concluded, there will be no more social events.

Perhaps, she was deeply wounded. Perhaps your love will change her.  If  he loves you  enough he will want to change.

Over time, you find him screaming at you more.  You’ve become the waitress, the bitch, the bastard ,one of the inferior people in her life who provokes her. By this time you have made a commitment to each other.

Occasional tender moments together gives you hope.  Then she tells you how inferior you are.  You use those tender moments as reference of what could be.   You avoid certain friends and family members.  When it comes to your significant other you play defense.

Your life becomes his ,as his defender and your constantly working on an offence to limit her outbursts!  


Is this the life you you want?

What is amazing about some of these people, is despite their words and actions they are often quite in control.  At work, with certain friends, family members and at the workplace where you learn that they are kind, patient and supportive.

People tell us who they are, if we dare to listen

 We can see into their past , through their words when they describe  friends, family and former mates.   If she is thirty five and has no long term friends, it could be signal.  If he has five divorces and a boat load of children, that he rarely talks about ? another signal.  The signs are always present, if we dare to listen and watch how he or she interacts with others.  If there are no signs, that’s a reason to pause.

We teach people how to treat us! 

If someone you know continues to scream at you, its because you’ve gave them permission.   We have choices, they’re not easy.  You can say STOP this is not acceptable, and should she do it again, leave. and should the disrespect continues, leave forever.    If there ins’t a change in his demeanor.  He has told you, he has no regard for your feelings and who you are as a person.   If you stay, the disrespect will continue.  So the question becomes, why do you allow the disrespect.

You lower you self worth when you tell others you the are victim

Nice try!   No one is buying it.!

You have chosen your life.  You are vert adapt at excuses for your significant other, its like putting on a pair of shoes.

Should you leave?

If the abuse is physical, immediately.

Some individuals wont acknowledge the problem,they fear that they may be abandoned .

If this is you, the first step is talking to your significant other addressing the problem.

Someone said, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.

“Do not expect an immediate change is him or her”


Small changes in your behavior should be considered.  First things first, is to stopping making excuses for his bad behavior.

The most important change is to know why?

You need to know why you find it acceptable to make excuses for poor behavior.  Why you allow yourself to be treated poorly.   Chances are, your significant other isn’t the only  person your making excuses for.  If you don’t know why your choosing these types of relationships then your bound to repeated them.   If their are children, they learn their communication skills from you.

Seek a professional, to help you through it.  The next step is more difficult, couples counseling. You have to learn to function as a couple with the weight distributed equally.  In making excuses for you significant other your carrying most of the load and at one point the weight may overwhelm you.  it isn’t likely you can do this alone.   The decision has to be mutual , it doesn’t matter if your not married, homosexual or heterosexual, there are services available.

There aren’t any guarantees, through counseling it’s very possible one of  you may choose to leave the relationship. It’s also very possible the relationship comes out of counseling, stronger.

Life is short and can end in an instant. One shouldn’t have to make excuses for the bad behavior for your significant other.





Published by CityFella

Moved to the Big Tomata in the nineties from San Francisco. No Suburbs for me with its single colored houses and lawns and the excitement of pulling out my trash can once a week. I'm a CityFella , a part time New Yorker. I'm happiest in the Center City where people the streets and people are alive. I'm still waiting to buy a 34th floor condo somewhere downtown/Midtown with a nightclub. "Hurry I'm old" My politics are somewhere in the middle with a needle that constantly moves. I'm too liberal to be a Republican and too conservative to be a Democrat. Everything interests me . I've come to love Sacratomato, Its a nice town in cheap sensible shoes .

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