Originally Printed April 17, 2006
I’m not planning to die soon and I gave this five minutes of thought
(so it must be perfect RIGHT!)
I want to be placed in the coffin naked, then I want Mother See’s Buttercream Chocolate poured up to my botton lip.
Apologizing in advance to the pallbearers.
If we do come back-I want soft skin (the buttercream) and I may need a snack (yes I’m dead-try thinking inside the box-okay!) and what’s better than chocolate.
Please surround my casket with a lot of Grant’s Ant Stakes.
I want the same carriage as the sista in the movie ” Imitation of Life”
And while I am fond of Sacramento ,its too bloody hott. I want the carriage to be pulled about the Tenderloin of San Francisco. In Sac, no one would slow down to notice, in fact someone would try to run the carriage off the road. In San Francisco, the sight of the carriage might reform a crack whore. A July day, would be about 63 in the City.
My memorial would be held at Bimbo’s or some comedy club. Visitors would be required to wear bright colors and like powdered blue or lime green. and y’all know someone will wear red. Attendees will be instructed to throw Twinkies at people who arrive in Black or Navy Blue.
Jokes, jokes, and more jokes told at my expense, the more embarrassing the better. The only tears I want at my event are tears brought on by ruckus laughter. Pre-split Twinkies are to be thrown at people telling sad stories.
Everyone attending will receive a small box of See’s Candy, those people who have sensitive teeth and have difficulty chewing will receive a box of nuts and chews.
I was Certified Crazy and Weird before I died and I want my friends and family to remember.