A NEW SLANT ON THE PORCELAIN THRONE
Want to find a crappy way to solve the problem of long bathroom breaks.
Put strain on a person’s legs, of course.
A British company has come up with a way to reduce the time spent doing number twos: StandardToilet incorporates a 13-degree downward slant on the seat.
The hope of the slope is to mimic squat thrusts, thus straining a pooping person’s legs and forcing them to do-do the dirty deeds in less than five minutes.
In other words, employees are spending way too much time using their breaks, costing companies a whopping $6.8 billion annually.
Don`t worry these slanted loos are still in the concept phase.
BRITISH WOMAN TELLS COPS HER ‘ASS IS ON FIRE’
If this isn’t an abuse of emergency resources, I don’t know what is.
An unidentified woman from Cambridgeshire, England, reportedly called emergency number 999 to tell cops that her “a– is on fire” after eating some spicy chicken curry recently.
The Cambs Times reported the woman demanded a visit from paramedics after consuming the spicy dish, stating she’ll be on the toilet for hours on end.
Emergency superintendent Mike Branston told the Cambs Times: ” We need people to think before they call us and only dial 999 in a genuine emergency.
“Misuse use of our 999 service could cause delay in us answering the phone to genuine emergencies and could even lead to the arrest of the hoax caller and even a prison sentence.”
The holiday season is normally when 999 dispatchers receive the most calls. But apparently, the woman’s call isn’t the first in recent times.
The paper noted a man was sentenced to 24 weeks in prison in November after calling emergency dispatchers 32 times to let out large burps over the phone. Other nonsense calls dispatchers received to include a woman calling to report that she lost her bank card, and another reporting that his garbage cans hadn’t been collected.
MAN EMBEDS TESLA KEY IN HIS OWN HAND
Talk about having technology at your fingertips, literally.
Ben Workman of Springville, Utah, has embedded cybernetic implants under the skin in his hand that allows him to unlock his Tesla car by waving it.
According to Newsweek, the man has four chips in his hands that allow him to perform different tasks, such as unlocking his car, log into his computer and share his contact info if needed.
Workman told FOX13 while those four chips are implanted in his right hand, he also has a magnet in his left hand that doesn’t serve any real purpose “besides magic tricks and fun stuff.”
The man said “experimentation and curiosity” led to the implanting of the chips. Workman said a family member did the chip embedding after a doctor, a veterinarian and even a piercing studio refused to do the operation.
Workman claims he’s looking forward to installing chip technologies that will allow him to pay for purchases with his hands.
NAKED WOMAN DANCES THROUGH VILLAGE WITH CARROT IN HER BUTT
One way to get attention in quaint British town is to dance naked through it with a carrot lodged in your butt.
Lorraine Fisher, 34, reportedly did just that in the village of Bruisyard near Suffolk, England, this past October.
According to the Suffolk Gazette, Ipswich Magistrates Court heard Fisher, a self-employed office worker, stripped her clothes off and frolicked through the streets of the village with what prosecutor Steve Walshe described as a “six-inch carrot between her buttocks.”
The court heard Fisher’s naked romp through town certainly caught the eye of people enjoying lunch at a pub she passed by. One diner, Royston Beevis, told court the “shapely” Fisher paused at the pub’s front door and wagged her butt which had the orange vegetable wedged in between.
Cops soon caught wind of the artist’s antics and arrested her. Fisher’s lawyer, Emily Lloyd, told court the woman she enjoyed a cup or two of sherry before her naked escapades.
“She accepts that the carrot was perhaps a step too far,” said Lloyd.
Fisher was fined $426 for her outburst. She apologized and promised “to remain dressed in future.”