The X,Y’s and Z’s of Online Long Distance Dating


Technology has changed our lives.  We call, text, DM, skype, Marco Polo, or face time?

If you are single or “stepping out”  there is a app or site for that.  No more back alleys.  Anything you want is online.

If you’ve been in a long term relationship for for 25 or more years, it may take you a minute to heal, and take all they time your need.   There are well meaning people who  may want to introduce you or insist that you get back into the field.    Just remember who’s life it is., you are not under any obligation to date or ‘get out there” until your ready!  A respectful friend or family member should respect your wishes, if they don’t, insist they do!

First things First 

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They look good, they even smell good online.  If you cant afford to travel to meet them, don’t play them or yourself.   Look in your area code!!! 

What Do You Need From Relationships?

Before falling for the romance, both parties should be aware of their emotional needs. “If you are someone who needs physical touch and/or quality time activities together to build a relationship and be happy with your level of connection, you’ll be setting yourself up for more heartbreak and disappointment,” warns Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, sociologist & intimacy coach  and author of the book From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women. But on the flip side, those who respond best to words of affirmation and gift giving/receiving may be perfectly content with virtual conversations and special surprises sent by mail. Further, “People who already have very busy and full lives, and also people who are independent or content living alone (if they don’t have a roommate), may appreciate the flexibility and lowered expectations of a long-distance relationship,” she says.

The short answer is that it depends on your needs, limitations, and what it takes to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. “‘Success’ in a relationship is not necessarily defined by a particular duration of time or a particular end result (e.g., co-habitating, marriage),” Dr. Stefani Threadgill, a sexologist, PhD, LMFT, and founder of The Sex Therapy Institute explains. “I define a successful relationship as one that creates pleasure and happiness for both people in the couple, for as long as the relationship lasts.”

That said, if you decide to give it a go, Dr. Sue Varma (@doctorsuevarma on social media), a couples and sex therapist and sex educator, says that the first step is to clarify your intentions. “I’m big on people being clear and up-front about [their intentions], in their own mind and for the other,” she says, adding, “If you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship, you may be willing to make the extra effort [of dating long-distance].”

There are also some other questions to ask yourself as you go forward with a far-away romance. Ahead, some things to consider before taking that digital step.

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“The perfect man or woman is rarely local, unless local means Uganda 

There are thousands of sites online, before committing to any site or app.  Research the site, get a feel for the occupants there.   If the responses or non responses is not to your liking after a few weeks, move on to another or return to traditional dating methods.

 There are some sites and apps are designed for hook ups.  Others are more  specialized.   There are women who like men dressed in women’s clothing.  Gay  male sites who match regular size men with men who weigh 400 plus.   Take a moment, read the profiles before you commit.  While most sites are free there are other specialized sites that for

Online-dating companies are privy to the fact that people use them for travel.  Tinder launched a paid feature called Passport that lets people swipe on members anywhere in the world. And Scruff, a dating app for gay men, has a section called Scruff Venture that helps users coordinate travel plans and connect with host members in foreign countries. Scruff’s founder, Eric Silverberg, told me the company added the feature when they noticed lots of users were already posting travel itineraries in their profiles; now one in four members posts a new trip every year.

Why enter into a Long Distance Relationship? 

There’s a potential benefit of being apart—it forces you to learn how to have extended conversations with someone,” says Andy Merolla, a professor who studies interpersonal communication and long-distance relationships at the University of California at Santa Barbara. “If we think about this as a skill, distance puts it to the test.” His research has found that LDRs last longer than geographically close relationships, but only for as long as the couples stay long-distance.

One explanation suggested by his work is that long-distance daters tend to idealize their relationships. “When you don’t see your partner in person, you don’t get as complex a view of what they’re like on a day-to-day basis. You don’t see how they are in the morning just after they wake or after a bad day of work,” he says. When people in LDRs were reunited, they reported missing their autonomy, feeling more jealousy, and noticing more of their partner’s negative traits. But Merolla doesn’t think this idealization is necessarily a bad thing, and suggests it might even yield benefits for the types of daters in never met relationships. “Maybe there are people who, if they meet someone face-to-face right away, have difficulty forming a relationship or wouldn’t hit it off right away. But having the distance could open up new relationship opportunities.”

Be honest with yourself?  are your looking for forever or for now?

“Playing yourself has huge consequences”

 

The Introduction 

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Hi…… 

or hello is  where the conversation starts.  You stumble around a bit until you find things in common.  It could be television, movies books, and sex.  In the conversation is successful  one conversation becomes two, two becomes daily and after some time you exchange telephone numbers.   And of course, you live in Eugene, Oregon and he lives in Duluth, Georgia.  Your heart is pounding   You want to see him……..

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The Conversation 

 The downside of  internet relationships is often not in the same place, words on the screen or face time cant replace personal interactions.

Meeting someone online and offline is intoxicating.  Early conversations are often filled with romance, dreams and lust.   You talk about eventually meeting.   When you talk of meeting, does he or she talk of you visiting? or do you both talk about visiting each other?

Take a moment and turn down your heart and listen to words, as words matter. 

How long have you chatted?  What do you know about this person outside of sex and dreams?   Has he or she talked about friend and family? Work?  Hobbies?    Continue talking.   Listen closely to his life plans, if all he talks about is you and loving you, pause.   Do you know what he does (work) and how long he’s been on this job?  Doe’s he or she lives alone or with friends or family?  Some believe at a minimum wait six months before traveling to meet each other.

When the topic of visiting comes up, does he expect you to visit? or does he want to visit you.  If he or she comes up with excuses why they can’t visit you consider it a warning to things to come.

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They’re only words on a screen and a strangers face and voice”

Red Flags

There are some red flags you can look out for through your correspondence. Dr. Varma says that flakiness, unreliability, canceling potential meet-ups, and telling stories that don’t add up should raise your suspicious. And in general, she advises, you should always trust your gut. For example, “if they are only interested in phone sex, sending sexually provocative images or messages early on, you will know their intentions, so don’t be fooled,” she says. Also, Dr. Threadgill notes, it can be easy to experience a false sense of security after just a few days of continuous messaging — and that’s not always a good thing. “Faux intimacy can be a consequence of relationships initiated through apps/online dating or texting,” she explains. “It is the sense one ‘knows’ another person, yet in reality, they have never met; it is a hazard of dating in the digital age.”

But with all this in mind, the experts agree that starting a long-distance relationship with someone you met online isn’t automatically a bad idea. In fact, it can be incredibly fulfilling for those who proceed with caution and are willing to make some sacrifices. Dr. Gunsaullus shares her final thoughts: “If you have a connection with someone that feels particularly special, unique, and supportive in a way you haven’t been able to find in your home area, then maybe you want to give it a shot.”

Do You Trust This Person?

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The matter of trusting someone’s authenticity when you haven’t actually — you know — met. (After all, you’ve seen Catfish, right?).”While it’s amazing to be able to meet people to potentially date from around the world, there are bigger issues to think about before diving into a long-distance relationship that doesn’t begin by first spending time together in person,” Dr. Gunsaullus says. “The fact that you’ve never spent actual time in the same physical space together has two primary concerns: First, the other person may not be who they present themselves to be online or from a distance, so they could be leading you on. Also, it’s hard to assess sexual chemistry if you haven’t spent time together.”

Love, Lust and Money 

For months now, the you have bared your soul to this person you have never met and feel a special bond to him or her.  You have a friendship like none other. Then one day, they ask you for a loan or some other financial assistance Mortgage, Rent, school, car payment ( fill in the blank). Respectfully decline and wait.

The net is filled with miscreants, jerks, who will filled you with words of love just to get your hard earned mo-Nay.    Some will keep returning to the well until its run dry, then see ya SUCKER!!!

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They need your help, for some reason, no one in their town, state or area code will help them.   You, So they turn to you, the person they love and trust. “Cause- One day you’ll be together”   So you trust this person WHO you have never met. WHO pulls at your heart strings and you give him or her your credit card number.

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The heart can mislead. Your not comfortable, but you don’t want risk offending him or losing her, so you ignore the advice of  friends, family and common sense and you wire this stranger your hard earned mo-NAY.   In most cases, never to hear from him again.

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How often do you contact your online friends in Ireland when you need cash?

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  Most of us have friends and or family members who  we can borrow money from. The only other reason he needs your money is because he has bad credit or he has burned friends and family.

A very attractive women traveled from Texas to Sacramento to meet a man she met online.  They spoke on the phone several times a day for nearly a year.  Including the afternoon she was due to arrive.  He agreed to pick her up at the airport.  She called him several times after arriving to Sacramento. She waited five hours in the terminal and decided to get a hotel room.  At the hotel, she told the desk clerk she had given him over $14,000 to help him start of business.  She spent three unsuccessful days trying to locate the stranger she said she loved.

Loneliness ii such a sad affair 

And I can hardly wait to be with you again

Come back to me again

And play your sad guitar
Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby
You said you’d be coming back this way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby
I love you, I really do

Superstar (1969) Written By ‎Bonnie Bramlett‎; ‎Leon Russell

How Far & How Often Are You Willing To Travel?

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Another aspect to consider is how far a distance you’d be willing to travel, and how often, in order to see your partner. For instance, would you be okay with making a four-hour drive to spend the weekend together, or flying halfway across the world two times a year? Or, would you consider a two-hour train ride a huge inconvenience, given your need to be with your beau? “How much distance you’re willing to deal with depends on how busy you already are, and how much physical touch matters and being able to do activities together,” says Dr. Gunsaullus. “It also matters how much time and money you have to be able to travel and vice versa, because a long-distance relationship, where you’re traveling quite a bit, means that your friends and work could be negatively impacted, as well as your wallet.” Of course, the commute may be more tolerable if one of you is willing to relocate, should things get serious.

Reciprocity

Is he or she willing to make the journey to visit you or are you going all the heavy lifting? (traveling)   Over time this may be problematic, unless your work takes you to that part of the country.

Do’s and Dont’s of Long Distance Online Dating

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There are many wonderful stories about people meeting online.  There are also many tragic stories. There are many people inside and outside our communities wanting to take advantage of hiding behind a screen. This is especially true of opportunistic people from disadvantaged countries looking to connect with lonely men and women in western countries in order to escape their realities.

Sometimes the ego cant get enough from hearing how wonderful and beautiful you are and how its impossible to believe someone like you is single……

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Too Good To Be True Usually Is

Do take absolutely everything ANYONE you meet online (local or foreign) with a grain of salt. Always assume it COULD be untrue. Listen to your gut, if something feels off then it probably is. Do use your judgment and smarts.

Don’t let loneliness, ego and the desire to feel special and loved cloud your judgment and ignore red flags. People tell you what they want to tell you, especially online. You can’t trust or believe everything you see or hear. I can be anyone I want online and so can you AND so can they.

The First Meeting before and after 

Do get your own hotel room. You don’t really know this person is from Adam.  Do tell a good friend where your going. Where your staying and who your seeing. Give them all the deets.  Pictures, addresses and telephone# and screen name.  Meet him or her in a restaurant and don’t take them or go to there room, hotel the on first night.  On the second night, don’t give him the room number, meet him or her in the lobby and escort them to your room.  

Don’t Allow her to come up to your room the first night.   Do no share the room number.  Trust your senses, if your feeling real odd or things aren’t matching up… Abort, Cancel.  Don’t force it, even though you’ve came all that way.

Personal Safety

Do remember that stranger danger is real. Protect yourself by never sharing your personal information, pictures of your home, information about your finances with these strangers online regardless of how comfortable they make you feel or what they ask for.

Don’t ever send money to these people regardless of their sob story or how special they make you feel. This is FRAUD. Also be careful about what information you share with them.

Keep Loneliness in Check

Do fill up your days with activities you enjoy – classes, volunteering, meetups, events – surrounded by people that make you happy and fulfilled so you won’t be so lonely that you are tempted into these interactions and relationships. Meeting new people in new social situations will also help you expand your social circle, which could help you meet a romantic partner.

Don’t let loneliness or a moment of weakness cloud your judgment when dating.

Face to Face Interactions

Do remember that the true test of someone’s intentions that you meet online is their willingness to meet offline. I advise people that you should be able to meet someone in person within two weeks of meeting online. No exceptions, no excuses. Skype or video doesn’t count. If someone wants to be with you and is serious about it then they will meet you in person. You can’t verify someone is who they say they are unless you are able to interact face to face with them on a regular basis. Short trips don’t count, it’s easy to be Romeo and Juliet for a weekend or week.

Don’t believe excuses that people have for not meeting in person – financial, personal, emotional, mental, whatever. Sending and receiving pictures and online video chat doesn’t replace face to face in person interactions.

It’s NOT Complicated

Do remember that “it’s complicated” is not a relationship status. A good relationship shouldn’t be complicated. Long distance online dating is almost always complicated. Why would you settle for that? Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.

Don’t romanticize the “it’s complicated” relationship status. It should never be complicated. It should be easy. A love story should be simple and unrequited love, although sounds romantically tragic, you should never settle for anything less than an in person relationship that’s just easy.

Before you add & communicate with a stranger online ask yourself: Where are they from? How did they find you? what do they want from you? Why did they add a complete stranger? Who are they really?

Long distance relationships that work are usually the ones that someone meets a romantic partner on a trip, or they grew up together and they were separated for a reason or those that you meet in person FIRST and then need to use online tools to keep in contact. Either way there has to be a consistent schedule of seeing each other in person and a plan to live together in the near future. However, long distance online dating nearly never works out and is full of risk. You need to be very careful with who you meet and what you share with those you meet online. A true test of this type of encounter is meeting face to face as soon as possible and verifying truths. Remember stranger danger is real and protect yourself first. Date smart because it’s better to be alone than falling for the wrong person and situation.

CityFella,

 

Published by CityFella

Moved to the Big Tomata in the nineties from San Francisco. No Suburbs for me with its single colored houses and lawns and the excitement of pulling out my trash can once a week. I'm a CityFella , a part time New Yorker. I'm happiest in the Center City where people the streets and people are alive. I'm still waiting to buy a 34th floor condo somewhere downtown/Midtown with a nightclub. "Hurry I'm old" My politics are somewhere in the middle with a needle that constantly moves. I'm too liberal to be a Republican and too conservative to be a Democrat. Everything interests me . I've come to love Sacratomato, Its a nice town in cheap sensible shoes .

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