Midtown Safeway, Sacramento
Purpose: Milk, Bananas, Sugar, Mushrooms, Yeast…….
My new normal when I first enter a supermarket, is to first visit the paper aisle.
A few weeks ago, I arrived early and there were about 20 twelve packagess of Scott Toilet Paper with 12 rolls. I grabbed my chest and staggered down the aisles and grabbed two packs. One pack was for me and the other was for my daughter. There was a clear marked signed that said one package per person. I immediately called her, but she didn’t answer, maybe she was in bed asleep. After dialing her a few times, I called my son in law. Nothing. I’m standing in the aisle with an illegal package of Toilet paper in my basket. A couple of people gave me the evil eye as they passed. ( In my head, I cussed at one passer by- “Bitch! this is for my KIDS, mind yo bizness and put on a little Secret before you go out!) Finally, my daughter called, no dad were good! Damm!… I returned the coveted tissue back to its rightful place.
8:16 the TP aisle…. There it was, all alone. Another Pack of Scotts Toilet Paper and yes a Tweleve pack. No grabbing of the chest, no senior stagging. I walked with purpose to take my gift. I pity the poor fool who would even consider taking my prize. “Death becomes Them”
I was so happy that I forgot why I was at the store. So I walked up and down the aisles feeling like I had just won the lottery. Occasionaly, people would ask me, if I knew if there were anymore toilet paper? Intially, I would say, no this was the last one. But with more and more people were coming to me asking me, as if I worked at the store… It was too much, so I said, I didnt know and didn’t look back.
So many people admiring my tweleve rolls, (lucky you) I was a celebrity!
There is POWER in the Toilet Paper!
I am loving the attention, smily stares, evil stares….
I’ve now been in the store an hour and there is a 20 pound ham, a copy of Vanity Fair, and some huggies diapers. ( I don’t know why- all of my grown children are house broke). I live alone. There is nothing on the list in my basket. I got caught up. Truth be told, I didn’t need the Toilet Paper either. Its time to reset, pull out my list and go home.
As I’m returning the ham, this couple approched. “Where did you get the Toilet Paper? ” In the paper aisle and walked away. Behind me, I heard a voice,” we were just there and there was nothing” “Oh,I said” and I kept walking. I turned into the wrong aisle to return the Vaniy Fair, and I saw the couple. I excused myself, turning my basket around.
Job Done, I look to the right and there they were! WTF!
Calm down, it just my overactive imagination.
As I walked to the produce section, I see them again. I grab the bananas then the mushrooms and I’m off. The Sugar and Yeast were in the same aisle… I dont see them. Its my imagination, I just need to go home and sleep. Another wrong turn, and I stop at the Safeway, X-Large Pizza on sale for $6.99. Then deside against it. and headed to the back of the store for milk. There they were, this time kinda blocking my cart. The man speaks, I wonder if you could help us out-we have no tolilet paper at home and we’ve been looking everywhere-what if I give you ten dollars it would really help us out” The man seemed sincere and I was prepared to just give it to him. But then she spoke! “ You been really rude, you knew there was no more paper and when we tried to speak to you, you just turned around!
There was no way outside of trading the Scott Paper for a new Tesla, were they going to get this paper. She could kiss my big fat ass! I feel sorry for him, (it must be VooDoo!)
All I could think of, was leaving the store!
In line, I calmed down. I still didn’t need the toilet paper and told the cashier, I didn’t want it. His head almost exploded. “Are you sure” Yes, I replied. But I wanted to tell him-just dont give it to the Bitch in the green and gray scarf!
Life In Sacratomatoville