Rodfather, my mother is a straight up racist and I don’t want anything to do with her. Me and my girlfriend have been together since middle school, we met at 15 and we will be 23 this year. We went to the same high school and we are at the same University, while she is finished a I have a semester left. She has a job offer in South Carolina and we are going to relocate there. Our plan was to get married once we finished school.
Through my eyes, my mother was always nice to my girl. For years, my girl said she didn’t believe my mother liked her. Everybody who knows us knows we are in love, she has been there for me through everything, without her is like losing my right arm. I’m fair skinned, my fathers side of the family are fair skin people. They used to call me white boy when I ran track. My mother side of the family is dark and light.
I’m telling you this because, some events in my family that didn’t’ make sense to me then, makes a lot of sense now. My mother would never take us around her brother, my uncle. He is dark skinned. The only time we would see him is at family events, like Thanksgiving. I would only see him at my grandmothers house. With grammy gone, I don’t see him or my cousins much. So like I said, everybody knows we are going to be together for ever. We had plan to get married this summer, but we decided to wait until this Covid thing is over.
A couple weeks ago, I called my mom to tell her of the changes and out of the blue she said I hope your children takes after you, I don’t want no dark grandchildren and then she laughed. I’m not gonna lie, I went to 10 and I cussed her, she hung up on me and later that day my father called, wanted to know what happened? He told me to apologize and never to speak to her like that again! When I told him my side, he got quiet and didn’t say anything for a long time, I thought he hung up on me and then he said he was sorry. My older brother isn’t light skinned like the rest of us, he’s closer to my mother complexion and he and my mother always were fighting, he moved out and moved in with our aunt when he was 17. Now I know why!
Rodfather, I want nothing to do with my mother, how can a black woman, dislike another black women? My girl thinks I’m wrong, but how can I sit and let her talk to her any way she wants to? I don’t want to see her again, I don’t want her anywhere near my girl. My father, and my sister said ,I shouldn’t kick her out of my life. But I don’t care and if that means never seeing either parent as they say, so be it. What would you do and am I being harsh?
I just want a good life.
Good life, I am so very sorry, I can understand your rage, as what you once believe was true isn’t and it is especially painful when its a role model, like a parent.
I’m going to change to word from racist or racism to colorism. While you may be familiar with the definition, some of the people reading this may not. The word is Colorism.
Colorism, is a predjudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group.
This is very common in countries that were under European authority or slavery. One way of keeping people of color in control was psychological. People of color were told they were inferior to a person who had white skin. There are stories of Light skinned people of color often received preferential treatment over dark skinned, there are many stories of light skinned blacks working in the house and dark skinned blacks working in the fields. In my lifetime, the standard of beauty was fair skin with blue eyes.
In the US and other countries like India and Brazil, skin bleaching is a multi million dollar business. This form of discrimination is as painful today as it was 150 years ago, lets pray it ends soon.
Your mother is a victim of this, she believes dark children are less than and perhaps she is concerned how the world will receive them. While she is a victim, she isn’t allowed to victimize others, especially your fiancé and future children. Speak to your fiancé, take her tempeture, listen to her experiences about being a dark skinned black woman. Don’t give her advice or offer solutions, just listen. This will give you powerful insight into her world.
Then, (this is important) calmly meet with your parents. You don’t need a list as skin color is the issue. This is where you speak your parents and only you. They need to know where the lines are, when it comes to skin color. Using these words…. You will not tolerate any disrespect regarding your wires or your children’s skin color. Crossing that line, will result in her losing all contact with your branch of the family. She should not be left alone with your children until they are at twelve or older. It is extremely important that your fiancé see’s you as the mighty Lion. She is likely to be your Lioness.
Knowing what you know, break the cycle. Make an effort to reach out to your uncle and cousins.
We teach people how to treat us