She told me to zip it, but I didn’t understand

What happened to the nice, kind, gentle people of yor?

I can be discrete. Sir your dragging six miles of toliet paper.  None of the BS filming an embarrassing moment for thousands of strangers on Tik Tok to enjoy.

When I see a man or women exposed I will discretely tell them.  Wouldn’t you want someone to tell you?

Here is my story.   It’s more than a couple of decades old.  I’m a speaker at a convention. Back stage there are many people in motion.  Minutes before I was due to speak. I unzipped my pants and smoothed out my shirt. 

I walked by several familar faces. Not stage hands and directors, but people who knew me by my full name.

I overheard someone say it was full house and there were many people standing. 

Just look down and read until your comfortable enough to look out. I told myself.   The podium was plexiglass my name was called, the introduction was brief.  I stood straight up as I  walked across the stage.  I made the mistake of looking out to a sea of people.  Suddenly, a real bad case of the nerves.  I squeezed both the sides of the podium and said “good morning”  It was 7:30pm. ” Just testing you I said”  Enough people laughed to calm me. 

The first page was perfect.  I hit my points perfectly.   Somewhere on the final page, I noticed this older lady in a shiny yellow dress. She was taking her two fingers and moving them from left to right.  She kept making the same motions, over and over and over. 4000 people and  I couldn’t shake her glance and stumbled on the very last paragraph. 

Everything, comes to end.  Was I that boring? I walked off the stage disappointed. How could I let one person get to me?  I tripped over something, I don’t know what but it forced me to look down. My zipper was fully down and it much worst then I could ever imagine.    My shirt was sticking out of my pants And skin was on display.

Shock! Horror!  Good thing I was wearing my trusty J.C. Penny’s briefs. No black man magic.

Pissed!! I retire to my hotel room. I ordered room service. I never order room service, I’m too cheap. But I hate humanity! All those people. Some who knew my name. My white shirt clearly sticking out from my pants. No one said “hey buddy” If it were two decades later. I might have been a You Tube sensation.

I woke up to the local news and a calmer. I no longer wanted the people behind the stage to die in a fiery explosion. While it was embarrassing, no one saw big Johnny and I did have one friend, that lady in the yellow dress.

I didn’t understand at the time. She wasn’t heckling me or being a jerk. She was telling me to zip my pants.


Published by CityFella

Moved to the Big Tomata in the nineties from San Francisco. No Suburbs for me with its single colored houses and lawns and the excitement of pulling out my trash can once a week. I'm a CityFella , a part time New Yorker. I'm happiest in the Center City where people the streets and people are alive. I'm still waiting to buy a 34th floor condo somewhere downtown/Midtown with a nightclub. "Hurry I'm old" My politics are somewhere in the middle with a needle that constantly moves. I'm too liberal to be a Republican and too conservative to be a Democrat. Everything interests me . I've come to love Sacratomato, Its a nice town in cheap sensible shoes .

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