Relationships: My husband watches porn, what should I do?


Sex therapist Hanieh Tolouei (pictured centre) gives her advice on relationship issues.
Sex therapist Hanieh Tolouei (pictured centre) gives her advice on relationship issues. Credit: PerthNow

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH WHEN IT COMES TO PORN?

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN A CONSTANT SORE POINT IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUBBY.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR HIM, BUT HE IS ALWAYS LOOKING AT PORN SITES ONLINE, AND LATELY, IT SEEMS TO BE ESCALATING.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

By: Hanieh Tolouei (Sex Therapist)/PerthNow

Ask yourself what bothers you the most about his porn use. Is it the frequency or the type of porn he watches? Or how his porn use has impacted you and the relationship?

I also have some questions which I’d like you to ask yourself.

Has his porn use impacted your life or sex life in some ways that you are not OK with? Is he more interested in masturbating to porn than having sex with you?

We do things in our private space that is nobody’s business

Is he pressuring you to replicate things he sees in porn? Is he reckless with spending money on porn sites? Does he prefer to watch porn rather than go out, work, or visit family and friends?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then his porn use is a problem for his relationships with the people he cares about (you, his friends, and family) and himself in terms of his career.

My suggestion would be to talk to him and raise your concerns honestly. It seems to me that it is him who should do something about it, not you.

But if your sex life is loving, connecting, and mutually satisfying, the sex is frequent enough to satisfy you and your partner makes sure he spends time with you and cares about his career and the financial aspect of your relationship, then I would suggest not taking his porn use personally.

Regardless of the status of our relationship, we are entitled to bodily and erotic autonomy.

We do things in our private space (our room, our brain) that is nobody’s business, and hopefully, we are safe from judgment or interrogation.

If you two have a mutually satisfying sex life, he is getting many of his sexual needs met with you, and you are a sexually exciting partner.

Sometimes in a relationship, that is all we can ask for, which means you are more than enough.

Hanieh Tolouei is a sex therapist and relationship counsellor with two Masters degrees in her field. Do you have a question for Hanieh? Contact us at heybestie@wanews.com.au (and don’t worry, we’ll keep your details anonymous!)

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