I arrived at the end of a fight in the parking lot of a discount store. The woman I was standing next to was a friend or a sister who was angry with the woman with the blood stain on her shoulder and the large hole in her top.
The friend or sister is standing with her arms folded angry, talking to herself. I cant believe it! she took off her job to fight this women or should I say all the women her man has fucked. It don’t make no sense!
For more than four decades, a wife lived across the street from the woman who was having an affair with her husband. To perhaps soften the blow. The wife held lavish parties inviting children, grand children and great grand children. There were glossy pictures all over their home. In public she often said, my husband, Peter did this for me. But everyone knew, all her friends and all the children knew of the affair. The wife knew where he was, whenever his car was in the driveway. He was with the love of his life.
As a male I have never understood why some women allow this form of treatment. Its clear the man she has chosen doesn’t respect or value her. But where is her self worth her value? Some women have told me the other woman is a safer target. Other’s believe there is an ownership and another women should respect the relationship. Some say its for the children, I struggle with this, because not only has he disrespected his wife, he has disrespected the entire family. They have less of him and the message to the children is this is normal behavior.
I knew of these women, as a teenager, I used to drive one of these women around in my car. She wasn’t looking for her cheating husband ,the man she took vows with. The goal was ultimate humiliation. She was willing to publicly humiliate herself and the other woman at place of employment. There wasn’t an end game, just humiliation as their was no guarantee that the planned event would end the affair. At one point, she took a lover, (you can’t beat um join um) after all he had been unfaithful for more than three years. When he learned she had a lover, he left the family. Not with the women he was having an affair with, but another women. It seems he was cheating on the side chick too.
You rarely find a male, fighting with another man over his cheating partner. Rarely see two men fighting in a Wal Mart parking lot over a cheating spouse.
2017 was going to be different ,she told herself. She planned to pull out all the stops and produce more than anyone in the department. She WAS going to be noticed next year. She’s been with the company five years. She knows all of her male colleagues earn more than she does. Her salary review last year, went no where. She read books to help her be more assertive and convinced herself there were other companies willing to pay her more should her currently employer didn’t meet her wage demands.
From the moment the door opened her confidence disappeared. When they said, they where pleased with her work,she felt the tears. (Pleased?) What kinda shit is this? She thought to herself. She knew she produced more than everyone in her department and it wasn’t noticed. When they offered her a six percent raise she didn’t speak. She shook her head when the offered seven, because she thought they may change their minds. Weeks later she learned that one of her colleagues received a twelve percent raise. Humiliated, the next day she called in sick.
“We teach people how to treat us”
Men scream about their accomplishments, women whisper. A male employee may pound on desk, and argue why they deserve a raise .Some women are afraid. Like many women my friend hoped that she would be fairly judged based on her accomplishments and the quality of her work. She agreed to a 7% raise when she wanted a 15% raise. She wasn’t comfortable asking for what she wanted. She brought all the necessaries to the review, she had the stats, she knew what she brought to the company. But she was uncomfortable.saying it. So she took what she that was their final offer.
A lifetime doesn’t change overnight. Women have told me they were raised to be second place. Their mothers, aunt’s have told them to do what ever it takes to make the marriage work . One day he will get tired of beating on you . If he cheats on your, just remember you have the paper.
It was important that black people get elected to office , to vote in major blocks, to have a seat at the table. Men are in control all most places in the world. It important they remain in control. Until the power is shared, womens issues will always come second.
Women, have been under attack for many years, because they do not have enough seats at the table to make a significant difference. Every year, more women are under attack, health care, reproductive rights, childcare and this will not change until there are more women voices, more places at the table and It doesn’t matter which party belong to.
Women of Value
The women in my life aren’t second to anyone. Sometimes in life we choose the wrong person, someone who isn’t worthy of our loyalty or devotion. Its not a critical error, it was a mistake . Hopefully we will learn and make better choices in the future.
I believe if you have committed yourself, you should do your absolute best to make it. If its broken try to fix it. Using your words, ask for what you want. Its unlikely you’ll get everything. Its a step forward in your relationship or your profession, its a victory.
These are my opinions, of course these do not apply to every man or everywomen. I’m not a psychologist, or sociologist. I am simply a dad ,brother, uncle, and a friend who wants a better world for his daughters, nieces and friends and their daughters. A world where they stand beside their male counterparts and not behind.