5 Things To Try When You Can’t Stand The Pain Of Loneliness


Image result for reading a book at home

(Photo: Google)

By: Brock Hanson/yourtango.com

Loneliness is a feeling related to abandonment. Chronic loneliness can be a habit we need to fight.

Loneliness is usually considered to be the emotional effect of a life situation, the situation of being isolated, rejected, or abandoned. But most of us have experienced feeling lonely in a crowd, or being entirely content when we’re all by ourselves. So the emotion we experience as loneliness in adulthood is actually independent of whether we’re alone.

Some of us experience chronic loneliness, a persistent sense of sadness we associate with being alone or unloved, and an enduring expectation that our isolation will never be relieved by the unconditional love and companionship we believe we lack. This is a painful dilemma indeed, made worse by the fact that the loneliness prevents us from doing the things we could to find love and companionable security.

Unfortunately, focusing on and anticipating loneliness can become a habit, just as focusing on anxiety can easily become a phobia, or focusing on anger can become an habit of abusive or self abusive behavior. The emotion of loneliness will make it hard for you to connect with others so that the facts of your life will grow to fit your feelings and expectations more and more.

You can choose to fight this trend if you put your mind to it. Here’s how to deal with loneliness and reduce the impact of that emotional experience.

1. Smile more often.

https://giphy.com/embed/B0vFTrb0ZGDf2via GIPHY

 

When you succeed in smiling in public, people will be drawn to you, and you’re more likely to get smiles or conversations in return. If you have trouble, go on YouTube and search for laughing baby videos. Or join a laughing yoga class.

2. Reach out to others.

By phone or text or email or in online chat rooms. When you connect with someone, resist the temptation to express your sadness first and foremost. Prepare yourself by choosing some uplifting topics, something interesting and positive you noticed recently, or something for which you are grateful, no matter how small.

Gratitude for the smallest things in life can open the door for mutual appreciation. By asking others about their lives, their problems and their blessings, you can take the focus off of yourself and your own insecurities, and begin to build a relationship based on your compassion for them.

3. Practice gratitude.

Chances are, you can find something in the present moment or in a memory that you feel grateful for. No matter how small, you can begin there. Once you open that filing cabinet drawer in your mind, you will discover other things you are grateful for. If you stay in this drawer, you’ll develop a steadily increasing capacity for gratitude.

Our brains are designed to focus first on pain and danger for survival reasons, but they have the capacity to experience gratitude, compassion, and love, and these emotions help us to connect, thrive, and grow. Rather than letting habits of loneliness stifle your talent for gratitude, stretch your capacity for gratitude and reduce the amount of time you suffer from loneliness.


4. Practice compassion.

 

No matter how bad your situation is, it’s not difficult to find someone with a story you can feel compassion for. The more you know about another person, the better you are able to understand their sorrows, needs, or pain, so taking time to listen to others is essential.

Because most people won’t share their needs with just anyone, using the internet to locate a well moderated forum or chat room where people with similar backgrounds and problems are willing to talk about their challenges may be a safe place to start. I’ve often been impressed by the warmth and sensitivity expressed by members of a forum or discussion group online.

5. Seize the moment.

A large part of the habit of loneliness is the expectation that our isolation will go on forever. If you focus on the present moment and understand that this moment is just this moment, but it is the moment we have now, you can learn how to deal with loneliness. In this moment, there are a number of things to pay attention to: what you hear, what you see, what you think about what you hear or see, and what physical sensations you notice.

All of these keep changing and offer you a parade of phenomena on which to focus briefly and then let go. Some of the sights, sounds, and sensations may be unpleasant, or maybe your thoughts about them will seem unpleasant, but not all of them will be. Staying in the moment is a discipline that helps break the habits we fall into involving living in the past or future — with a bias toward the painful parts of the past and future.

Why does loneliness make it so difficult for us to practice these things? Early in life, the emotion of loneliness has a purpose in helping us cope with dangerous situations when we find ourselves separated from the caretakers on whom we depend.

Loneliness compels the helpless little animal to keep quiet and stay put so that Mama Bear has a better chance of finding her before something else does. But we don’t automatically grow out of emotions when we no longer need them. In fact, we can accidentally fall into habits of evoking emotions that are unnecessary and unhelpful for the situation we find ourselves in.

We seem to understand that fear or anger is dysfunctional when they become an automatic response to situations, and we turn to treatment for anxiety or anger management, but it often seems difficult to see loneliness in the same way.

Because the emotion of loneliness reminds us so vividly of times when we were helpless, it’s easy to become confused and believe that we’re helpless. The cognitive (beliefs) and behavioral (actions) habits that are shaped by the emotion of loneliness tend to reinforce one another.  In order to free yourself from the habit of loneliness, you need to choose to act according to plan rather than according to how you feel.


Brock Hansen, LCSW is a clinical social worker and personal effectiveness coach with over 30 years of experience in counseling individuals with a variety of problems related to shame and anger. Visit his website at www.Change-for-Good.org.

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Live a little, its only $75,000 a night


Of course, its in New York City

It’s  10,000 square feet of luxury, five bedroom, four fireplaces, six bathrooms and two wet bars, if your dry.   The living room, with 26-foot ceilings, is located in the corner tower of the building and is large enough to be converted into a full-sized grand ballroom. Outside, there’s a 2,500-square-foot rooftop terrace that overlooks Central Park.

An atrium leads out to the 2,500-square-foot terrace.

The Mark Hotel  was built in 1927.    The interior underwent a major renovation from 2006 to 2009. While the historic exterior was untouched, the entire inner workings of the building were replaced, with interiors rethought by famed designer Jacques Grange.

Master Bedroom 

Master Bath

At seventh five thousand dollars an night, nearly everything is at your disposal.  A round the clock room service, complimentary bicycles.  Guest have the option to charter a 70 foot sailboat and pedicabs to hire.

A chef kitchen, should you want to entertain.

Your own library, should you need a literary escape

Treat yourself, Invite Beyonce and Jay-Z

For those weary travelers wanting more than a box.  The Penthouse at the Mark Hotel in New York City, could be what you need.  At $75,000 per night ,its in the most expensive hotel room in America.

CityFella

South Africa: ‘Dead’ woman found alive in mortuary fridge


The unnamed woman had been certified dead by paramedics at the scene of a pile-up in the early hours of June 24

Image Credit: Supplied  Image for illustrative purpose only

JOHANNESBURG:  A South African woman who paramedics had declared dead after a horrific car crash was later found alive in a mortuary fridge, emergency services said on Monday.

Ambulance service Distress Alert confirmed that the unnamed woman had been certified dead by paramedics at the scene of the pile-up outside of Carletonville, southwest of Johannesburg, in the early hours of June 24.

Mortuary technicians then found her alive in a morgue fridge several hours after the crash in which the victims’ car rolled, throwing all three occupants clear of the vehicle, killing two of them.

“We followed our procedures – we’ve got no idea how it happened,” Distress Alert operations manager Gerrit Bradnick told AFP.

“The crew is absolutely devastated – we’re not in the business of declaring living people dead, we’re in the business of keeping people alive.”

“All the right checks were done – breathing, pulse – so the patient was declared deceased,” he said.

The company has now launched an investigation.

“Paramedics are trained to determine death, not us,” a source at the Carletonville mortuary told the Sowetan newspaper.

“You never expect to open a fridge and find someone in there alive. Can you imagine if we had begun the autopsy and killed her.

 

 

 

Source: Gulf News: South Africa

 

 

Tacky Comment:   They found her in the fridge, and she was cold…..

The 10 Worst Things You Could Ever Call Your Child


The 10 Worst Things You Could Ever Call Your Child

By: Maureen Healy

Ever call your child a brat?

Words have the power to wound or lift our hearts. This isn’t new news. Of course, the challenge is when you are small and new to the world — the words you hear help shape your self-esteem and ultimately, worldview.

Since I specialize in helping highly sensitive children thrive, oftentimes I spend time guiding children to “let go” of the words they’ve been called, from “brat” to “bonehead.” Said differently, we flip the script. I’ve helped a young boy, Tommy, begin to see himself as cautious and careful, instead of believing “You are a wimp.” These are positive traits that were initially slammed into him as negative.

Of course, we are all a work in progress, and we make mistakes. That’s okay. The point is to be a bit more mindful about the words that we let slip off our tongues into our children’s hearts.
To help with that, I have included the top 10 worst parenting words (without regard to curses) that have slipped into everyday conversation that I would love to see evaporate.

They are:

1. Crybaby

2. Picky (fussy)

3. Wimpy

4. Whiny

5. Punk

6. Problem Child

7. Hypersensitive

8. Drama Queen

9. Defiant

10. Brat

Every single one of these words has a positive counterpart. Whether it’s changing “picky” to “discerning” or “selective,” the point is that when we 100 percent decide to frame things in a more optimistic light, we can reduce the likelihood of low self-esteem flourishing. Because frankly, children build their worlds with your words.

Shakespeare probably put it best when he said: “The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants.”

Maureen Healy is an award-winning author, popular speaker, and leader in how to help highly sensitive children thrive. She’s appeared on Disney’s “The Fatherhood Project” as a regular guest and worked closely with Fortune 100 companies such as Crayola to deepen their awareness of children’s sensitivity, creativity and joy. Follow her on Twitter.

8 Scary, Long-Lasting Effects Of Having Narcissistic Parents


Image result for latina women

Photo: Google

By: Craig Malkin/YourTango.com

Narcissistic parents are abusive.

“Character is the trace of relationship,” wrote Christopher Bollas, the brilliant post-Freudian psychoanalyst, in his ominously titled but infinitely hopeful book, The Shadow of the Object.

This, he concluded, is how any personality is born. What happens to the development of our personality when we live in the shadow of narcissistic parents? Here are 8 of the most common effects that can impact a person’s entire life.

1. You continually blame yourself.

Narcissistic parents may or may not be openly abusive, but they’re almost certainly emotionally tone deaf, too preoccupied with their own concerns to hear our pain. Because emotionally sensitive children who long for love can’t simply walk out the door and find a new family, they often nurture hope by sacrificing their self-esteem.

“I’m the problem,” they tell themselves. “If I were quieter, calmer, or happier, my mother wouldn’t yell at me, ignore me, or criticize me all the time. If I fix myself, I’ll finally be loved.” Sadly, we often blame ourselves for what’s missing from our lives to preserve a shred of hope.

2. You tolerate narcissism in your other relationships.

If you’re particularly sensitive or empathic by nature, you’re more likely to respond to narcissistic parenting with a stance I call echoism, named after the nymph Echo, who was cursed to repeat back the last few words she heard. Just as Narcissus fell in love with his reflection, Echo fell in love with Narcissus.

3. You become insecure in your own relationships.

Think of secure attachment as our degree of comfort with becoming close to and depending on others in healthy ways. The neglect, abuse, or emotional absence of a narcissistic parentcan make us question how safe we are in other people’s hands.

Roughly speaking, insecure attachment can take two forms: avoidant attachment, in which we manage our fears by shutting people out (I’ll never risk depending on anyone ever again!) and anxious attachment, where we chase after love, pursuing — sometimes angrily — the connection we long for with our loved ones (Why won’t you pay attention to me?).

4. You become needy.

A related problem is something I call need-panic. Narcissistic parents can make their children terrified of their needs, who bury them by becoming compulsive caretakers or simply falling silent. They may hum along for a while, seeming to need nothing from their partners or friends.

Then, a crisis hits, and suddenly — in ways they find deeply unsettling — they call their friends incessantly or seek constant reassurance. The quickest way to eliminate a need, after all, is to get it met immediately; paradoxically, the people most afraid of their needs are apt to seem the most “needy.”

5. You learn to be independent.

Outgoing, adventurous children may respond to narcissistic parenting by abandoning emotional intimacy altogether, believing that no one can be trusted or relied on. This is impossible to sustain, naturally, and can easily engender intermittent need panic.

Alternatively, children with more sensitive temperaments may become compulsively selfless caretakers, as if the only way they can enjoy nurturance is vicariously by providing others with the warmth and caring they never enjoyed.

6. You become a people-pleaser.

Temperamentally sensitive children (who are often gifted empaths) can develop a laser-like focus on their parents’ needs. They organize their lives around the happiness of others, convinced they have to bolster their parents’ esteem (Of course you’re pretty!) or prevent their next explosion (I’ll get your snack… you’re stressed!) by closely minding their every desire or whim.

7. You become just as, or even more, narcissistic as your parents.

The more aggressive a child is by nature, the more likely they are to respond to narcissistic parenting by playing a game of if you can’t beat them, join them: “I’ll just make sure I’m the loudest, prettiest, smartest person in the room. That way no one can make me feel unimportant again.”

If you’re born with a stubborn, bombastic temperament and exposed to the kind of neglectful or abusive parenting narcissists often provide, you’re more likely to end up narcissistic yourself.

8. You jeopardize your own health by constantly stressing yourself out.

Abuse throws us into a state of constant alertness, vigilantly prepared to dodge the next danger. This typically leads to chronic anxiety, sudden memories of abuse, emotional numbing, and even a foreshortened sense of future, in which people become so fixed on simply surviving that they lose the ability to imagine life beyond the present.

Condominium blues


If he doesn’t get his way, expect one outcome only.

By: Elaine Luti/The American in Italia

There’s a man in my condominium complex who has decided he’s the boss of the place. He expects everything he wants to go his way. What he doesn’t propose, he resists or undermines. He’s admittedly done a lot for the building, which might be regarded as helpful or controlling, depending on your viewpoint. He talks a lot and you’re likely to see him hanging around on the stairs, in the courtyard, in the immediate neighborhood. I have an irregular schedule, which means I can come and go several times a day, but I almost always run into him. His strategic lobbying, or lurking, gives him plenty of time to get to know everyone in the building, chat them up, make jokes, and get them to like him. At each condo meeting he comes armed with deleghe — proxies signed by residents to allow him to cast their vote.

Though I’m largely allergic to such meetings, I do make an effort to attend if major decisions loom. The man, naturally, is omnipresent. If things don’t go his way, he uses his booming basso voice to cow people into changing their minds. If he doesn’t get his way, he usually storms out.

I say he has hysterical attacks, which may sound odd since hysteria is usually associated with fluffy women who exaggerate distress to draw attention to themselves. It wreaks of high soprano voices, and perhaps a bit too much makeup.

The word hysterical derives from the Greek for uterus, “hystera,” an organ once thought to wander around and lodge in some part of the body causing what today would be called conversion symptoms. Personalities who responded to stress in a volatile way were called “hysterical.” They were seen as overly reactive, tending to exaggerate emotional expression in an effort to be seen and admired. The condition was once considered exclusive to women, but Freud was the first to propose that men were just as susceptible.

Despite my therapist vocation, I don’t often use diagnostic terms, and I certainly would never use one as a weapon (which happens all too often, even by people who should know better.) At the same time I admit to being strongly tempted to do so, particularly in the presence of a man who dismissively talks over women, yelling at them as if he’s the smart man who righteously refuses to recognize silly and hysterical female thinking.

It’s admittedly rare to call a man who expresses booming emotional opinions as “hysterical,” and yet that’s just what he is. Sadly, he often gets his way because loud-mouthed aggression is often considered authoritative. In this paradigm, foghorn macho is “good” while the needy expression of emotion is “bad” (if not stupid or flat-out pathological.) Yet they’re the same thing.

I have plenty of businesswomen as patients. Corporate work, medicine, law, even professional cooking all share a certain macho mentality. As my patients acquire self-confidence, many begin moving up the career ladder. That upward path frequently puts them at odds with old boys’ networks, and subtle or not-so-subtle efforts to put them down. I tell them to think of these critics – men but also women who have risen to top positions — as needy children of a sort. A needy child will use any means possible to get what it wants and needs. Adults turn to bullying, including loud voices and body language, to assert a similar kind of superiority (much like a dog). The best defense is to refuse intimidation and to deal with such posturing outside conventional “top dog” rules. Turn it on end and apply maternal sympathy. “Oh, poor boy, you can’t get your way? Let me know when you finish your hysterical fit.” If you’re lucky, the condo meeting disrupter will just storm out.

A series of bad decisions


TURKEYDAY 040

 

I’m in the Wally Mart parking lot . A man who looked like he was going to ask me for money, asked me for money saying he ” Keeps making a series of bad decisions which leaves him without money, like now!   I immediately reached into my pocket to give him money, but all I had was a twenty.  He smiled as he walked away.   As I was walking into the store, I wished I had five dollars to give him.  Who knows what bad decision he made to get him in today’s predicament, drugs, drink or like the rest of us a simple bad decision.

Its often fifty fifty, our decisions.  Will it work, its it a good idea?   Of course there are perfect individuals around us, these people are flawless and very judgmental of others.  These people are delusional and sometime dangerous (45) because some of them are in influential positions. Parents, teachers, members of the clergy who will demand perfection from others when they are flawed.  Damaging some innocents for decades.

I try to avoid perfect individuals. As I am flawed.  A broken egg is a broken egg, I will handle the next egg with special care.  There was a lesson there.   My prayer is to make new  mistakes and not repeating old ones.

Unlike perfect people, I am able to laugh at myself.  I’m human, my fall was stupid, I saw the banana on the ground and I stepped on it anyway.  Now my big ass is on the ground, and my lunch is paste.  NEXT!

The guy in the parking lot will haunt me for a while, but for a good reason.  With so much deceit in the world, the truth is often like a drop of rain in the desert.  It’s soo refreshing but it was only a drop.

CityFella