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White women like me, we need to talk (about not calling the police)


(CNN)   Did you hear about the white woman who called police in Memphis earlier this month because a black man who wanted to buy a house was trying to take a look at it first? What about the white people who called the police on black people simply for sleeping in their own dorm lounge at Yale, barbecuing at a park, shopping at Nordstrom Rack, waiting in a Starbucksor … the list goes tragically on and on.

Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner

White women like me, we need to have a talk. Enough is enough and we need to make ourselves part of the solution. You. Me. The woman next to you in the grocery store line, at the bus stop or on the soccer field. The writing is on the wall. We’ve got to stand up and speak out because right now, we’re part of the problem.
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Hotel Confidential: Civility in the Trump era


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Photo: Google

The temperature a sudden change in the air.  Anger and hostility at some the hotels with guest attacking staff and guest fighting with other guests.

In some parts of the country, Latino’s notably Mexicans workers is the cornerstone of many hotels, running the front and back offices.

In the last few years,workers with an accent have been verbally and physically attacked simply because they have accent. At a southern California, a quest slapped a housekeeper for responding to another housekeeper in Spanish.

A guest refused to check into a hotel and demanded their reservation cancelled without penalty because the front desk agent was Muslim.

Some guest refuse to interact with employees who have accents, often demand that an “American’ complete their transaction.

Some guest have complained about two or more employees speaking to each other in another language.  Demanding they only speak English.

 There were racist guest before Donald Trump.  Since his election many hotels have seen a major spike in racist behavior with guest verbally and physically attacking hotel staff, with most of the rage towards Latinos.

Breakfast

Cable News: one show is too right (Fox) the other one is too left (Msnbc) and one is kinda alright (CNN)  In a perfect world the hotel would have three televisions. When there is one Television in the dining area, the safe choice is center.  

A guest wrote a complaint letter to the hotel chains customer service department.   In the letter he said, he couldn’t believe that hotel chain would have CNN on the television a network known for its fake news.  He was so disturbed, he could barely eat his breakfast and will never stay at that hotel again!

In Sacramento, a guest demanded the channel to be changed to Fox News.  He says he spends thousands with the hotel and he wants to watch Fox.  and when the worker said she didn’t have the remote.  He threw his plate into the television screen and stormed off screaming.   He later, told the manager the worker’s attitude made him do it.!

An argument over one of Trumps polices, turned into a brawl including one 71 year old grandmother, police were called.

No one can recall the animosity exhibited today hotels/motels today. .  Guest fighting ,arguing, during the breakfast hour has left some supervisors with no other option than to simply turn the television off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Verbally Abusive Relationships Are Far More Common Than Anyone Wants To Believe


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By: Rhoberta Shaler PhD/Your Tango.com

My mother berated me throughout my entire childhood. But there is hope.

Being in a verbally abusive relationship is far more common than anyone would like to think. The line between someone being strict and someone being verbally abusive can be a fine one for some. For others, there is no question of what’s what, and they can recognize the signs of verbal abuse without hesitation.

Our experience as a victim of verbal abuse becomes a part of us, seems somehow normal, and we go on, even tolerating it from our partners, parents, or co-workers. When you’ve been verbally abused, one of three things usually happen:

1. You repeat the verbal abuse to others.

2. You live in fear and become a people-pleaser, taking whatever others hand out.

3. You get help, become your own person, learn to live according to your own values and vision, and you take back control of your life. And, that life does not include being verbally abusive to yourself or anyone else … particularly not to your children.

Being verbally abusive is a way for the abuser to feel they have a sense of power over someone else. 

This form of violence — which it is — has been well-defined by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, applies to this type of behavior in any type of relationship:

Abuse is a repetitive pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over an intimate partner. These are behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. Abuse includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of abuse can be going on at any one time.

Scary, right? And, it’s far more common than you or I think.

 

My own mother was both verbally and emotionally abusive. Did I know that as a kid? Yes. But I didn’t have a name for it. It just felt really bad, and I hated the way she constantly put me down, and found daily things — hourly things — to criticize. One of her “best” was how often she told me she had never wanted kids. No wonder I’m an only child.

So, even though it felt all wrong, as a child I was powerless to define another way of thinking about myself other than through the lens of opinions my mother served up daily. Where was my father in all this? He was away from the home as often as possible. He couldn’t stand her, either.

Looking back, it’s not surprising he decided to become a commercial fisherman when I was young. He had an ironclad reason for being away six months of the year. Not surprisingly, he also had serious health issues. That put him in the hospital most years for at least three months of his time at home. And the rest of that time? He spent it in the pool room, which was off limits to women.

Another example of abuse in my young life stemmed from that very room. My father often wouldn’t come home for dinner on time, and my mother would drive to the pool room and force me to go in and get him. Do you see that’s abuse? I hope so. It just wasn’t appropriate on any level.

None of us who experience verbal and emotional abuse are alone, although most of us feel extremely alone.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s December 17th, 2010 edition of their Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report disclosed that:

About a quarter of the more than 26,000 adults surveyed reported experiencing verbal abuse as children, nearly 15 percent had been physical abused, and more than 12 percent — more than one in 10 — had been sexually abused as a child… Almost one in five respondents (19.4 percent) had lived as a child with someone who was depressed, mentally ill, or suicidal.

Because the verbally abusive relationship becomes horribly “normal” to those who experienced it, they often don’t see it as it is happening.

You may well see it in others, but not in yourself. You may not actually get in touch with what has happened to you (if you ever do) until you find yourself trying to figure out why it is you can’t find love, or until you find yourself stuck in (yet another) relationship that just isn’t working.

When the pain and  loneliness — yes, you can feel terribly lonely even when you are in a relationship — become too much, you finally get some professional help. That’s when you discover that what you absorbed so early in your life, unintentionally and definitely without your permission, has been silently sabotaging every relationship you have ever entered.

https://giphy.com/embed/6hgbok7YssOFGvia GIPHY

You can heal.

You can stop feeling there is something wrong with you.

You can stop blaming yourself.

You can stop blaming your partner.

You can find your own personal power.

You can release yourself from the shackles of your past — and finally feel free. 

This discovery can give you a new lease on life with your partner and your children.

Verbal abuse, whether hidden behind closed doors or screamed loudly in the supermarket, has a definitive negative effect on everyone involved. It’s far too common, and it can be keep you from experiencing love, respect, and safety in relationships.

That’s too high a price to pay … and, yet you will keep on paying until you see it, name it, and eradicate it from your daily life. And you deserve to be free.

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor, is a relationship consultant and educator. Author of sixteen books, she specializes in helping the partners, exes, and adult children of chronically difficult people. If you have been or are being verbally abused, start freeing yourself from it with a free half-hour consultation with her.

Why I call my male freinds king


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By:Malcolm-Aimé Musoni/Washington  Post

Male friendship is often mocked, in the many “bro culture” memes and the jokey way we invoke the word “bromance.” For both men and women, it’s easier to laugh and ridicule than to accept that genuine love between male friends is real, and can be wholesome and completely devoid of toxic masculinity.

My male friends are some of the most supportive and loving people I know. They have given me jobs, told me when my fly was down, checked in on me when I ghosted them, let me know when I put too much Vaseline on my face, given me space when I’m wyling out, texted me when I’m anxious, talked me out of dumb decisions and held me when I cried. But more than anything else, they have loved me and appreciated me. Which is why my male friends and I have been following the newish trend among black men to call one another “king.”

Male friendships are appreciated in some areas of pop culture. Judd Apatow has made an entire career out of movies about them. If you were a white man in the mid-2000s and wanted to be an actor, you could go audition for one of his movies that featured Seth Rogen and hope you were cast opposite him as his white best friend.

Jay-Z and Kanye West are on-and-off best friends who made a monumental joint album in 2011 about their brotherhood and being successful, famous black men at the top of their game. The biggest rap group in the world right now is Migos, made up of Quavo, Takeoff and Offset, a trio of best friends who also are related to one another, rap together, make money together and love each other.

These are some areas of pop culture that I look to as models for what friendship can be. But ultimately I do things my way. Last week, my best friend Isaiah was dealing with a tough personal issue, and it hurt me that he was hurting. I woke up the next day, typed a beautiful text to him in which I called him a king, offered to buy him Chick-fil-A, and told him that I loved him and would be there for him if he needed to talk that day and every day that followed.

Sometimes “friend,” “buddy,” “pal” or “bro” doesn’t suffice. “King” is a word that goes a step further than others in proclaiming your love and appreciation. It’s like: I see you out there. You’re doing your thing, and we may not agree on the best song off Frank Ocean’s “Blonde,” but you are a king.

When I’m calling you a king, I’m admiring your sauce and trying to remind you that you do have that sauce. I’ll see a homie on Twitter feeling down, and I’ll text them four words: You are a king. I’ll be on Instagram and see that my friend Stephen just got a new haircut, and I’ll respond to his story with one four-letter word: king. I’ll greet my friend Alston at his birthday party with “Happy birthday, king.” I’ll be going through something stressful, and one of my homies will tell me: “You got this, king.”

Men calling each other king isn’t a new phenomenon. In the black community, people have been calling one another kings and queens for decades as a term of endearment and to support the idea that black people collectively descended from African royalty. Writer Damon Young pointed out the issues with this in a 2016 essay arguing against the practice, saying: “If you’re from a place where kings and queens existed, there’s a small chance you actually directly descended from them. And a much, much, much, much, much, much, much larger chance you descended from people who were ruled by them. And, if history is any guide, if you happen to be from a place with an unfathomably wealthy ruling class, that unfathomable wealth most likely ended with the ruling class.”

But many songs still perpetuate this idea. A 2013 Jay-Z song opens with an intro from Pimp C’s last interview, in which he talks about black people originating from kings. Despite the historical inaccuracy, calling each other kings and queens is simply a reminder of black Americans’ history in Africa before slavery, something that many in this country don’t know much about.

In the past year, “king” as a term of endearment among black people has become more popular and taken center stage on Twitter. There’s no specific meme or tweet from an account with several thousand followers that started it, and no BuzzFeed article full of tweets from people calling each other king to explain it. Rather it’s happened organically, the way many things do on Twitter.

However, with the resurgence of king-calling, it is understandable that some black people are not pleased that non-black men have co-opted the term.

“They always latch onto black endearment,” my friend Guled told me. “You don’t qualify.

I’m a black man with tortoiseshell glasses and a nose ring, and I live in Brooklyn, so I do have white friends. However, we live in a patriarchal society where white men are the most privileged. They have been looked at as kings for centuries, and at this point I’m just not in the mood anymore to say what has already been said systemically. I would rather devote my time and breath to telling those among my male friends who will always live in a world that really doesn’t want them that they have that sauce and are the masters of that sauce.

Self-confidence fuels everything we do as human beings. Do you have the confidence in yourself to quit that weird marketing job and pursue your passion for cooking? Do you have the confidence in yourself to get that new haircut and proudly rock it? Do you have the confidence to just be you all the time and never sacrifice that for anyone? In 2018, there are so many things going on that affect our self-confidence and perception of ourselves as men, but when your kings got you and let you know that they love you and will always have your back? There’s nothing you can’t do.

There’s no good Mother’s Day card for a not-good mother


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By: Mary Elizabeth Williams\Salon.com

My mother isn’t in my life, but I can’t forget her on Mother’s Day

It’s my little annual Mother’s Day tradition. I stand in the greeting card aisle, surrounded by paper images of flowers and butterflies. I pick up one card after another, shake my head, and put them back. They don’t make great cards for not-great moms.

My mother and I haven’t had a conversation in almost two years . She has seen me — and her two grandchildren — only once in the past dozen years, at a family funeral. She didn’t stay long. In those twelve years, I’ve published two books, had serious cancer twice and watched my firstborn spend a week in the ICU. I’ve passed the milestones of holidays and birthdays and school plays. My mother lives an hour away. She doesn’t answer her phone.

I typically send her three communications a year, unless there’s an emergency — for Christmas, her birthday and Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is the hardest. There are lots of safe cards for the other two celebrations — humorous ones, ones that don’t assume intimacy. Mother’s Day cards are different. Because they’re for your mother, the person who ostensibly raised you and took care of you and loves you unconditionally. But those “You’ve taught me so much by your beautiful example” and “When a daughter grows up feeling as cherished as I did, she’s bound to love her mom with all her heart” sentiments just feel a little . . . off for me, you know?

My mom’s own track record with cards isn’t the best. For my birthday last year, I got a nautical-themed card “Wishing you the very best” and a $20 bill. It was signed, “Mom. Hi.” For my daughters’ shared birthday in January, they got a Christmas card with “Merry Christmas” crossed out and “Happy Birthday” written underneath. I never get a card for Mother’s Day, so at least it’s not like I need concern myself with matching her tone this time of year. Yet here I am, scouring the Hallmark racks for something like a gesture anyway.

The practice of buying a thing made of paper, signing your name to it, sealing it in an envelope, putting a stamp on it and dropping it down an actual mailbox feels insanely old-fashioned — which is probably why people still value it. Plenty of us don’t even make the effort to talk on the phone any more, or write out words in a text when a smiley face or a heart will do. Any communication that takes more than five seconds feels like a declaration of devotion. When, last week, a card with no other purpose except that it was funny arrived for me from a friend, I practically wept with gratitude.

Illustrator Emily McDowell  calls cards “the most special way to communicate.” She notes, “We have 57,000 ways to communicate with each other, but they’re all electronic. They’re ephemeral. You don’t keep a text on your refrigerator. Greeting cards have stood the test of time because they’re something people can hold on to and save. You have someone’s handwriting in it. Nobody’s typed anything.”

“You used to get a lot of stuff in the mail,” she adds. “People sent letters all the time, so your mail was something to look forward to. Letters have kind of gone away, so you only get bills and junk mail and stuff you don’t want in your mailbox. Getting a card in the mail is like, ‘Oh my God, a good thing!'”

Despite how cherished cards are, the supposed imminent death of their industry has become a perennial subject of retail speculation. In 2015, Hallmark ominously began shutting down its Connecticut distribution center and announced it was cutting 570 jobs. A former Hallmark designer and marketer told NPR at the time.  “The personal expressions industry is facing something, kind of like climate change shift.” Yet retailers like the Chicago-based Paper Source have managed to stay afloat — and expand — by offering cute, millennial-friendly merchandise and craft-making classes along with what describes as  “that quirky card, chic personalized stationery, elegant invitations, and the beautifully wrapped gift that you are looking for.” People still want to get mail.

This holiday, as I was once again feeling stumped for the appropriately neutral message of “It’s Mother’s day and you are, technically, my mother” to send, I decided to consult Emily. As the creator of Emily McDowell Studio, she knows that often in life, there is no good card. That’s why she co-wrote a book called ” There Is No Good Card for This: What to say and Do When Life is Scary, Awful and Unfair to People You Love.”

Three years ago, McDowell earned international attention when she created a line of “empathy cards”  to offer, with heart and humor, supportive messages for people going through grief, illness, infertility and more. Sample sentiment: “If this is God’s plan, God is a terrible planner.” On the Mother’s Day section of her site, currently, one can purchase witty and sweet messages for moms and “honorary moms,” as well as her all-purpose classic, “I know this day really sucks for you.”

When I asked her recently what the hell kind of card to get my less-than-World’s-Greatest-mother, McDowell said, “The is actually the perfect use for the blank card with the flower on it. If you have a relationship that is in name only, where you have a mom or a dad and you are sending the card out of familial holiday obligation, the basic ‘Happy Mother’s Day, Happy Father’s Day’ is a benign message that checks the box, I think rather than trying in a store to find a card that is appropriate to send that person.”

McDowell’s thriving business, meanwhile, is a resource for, as she puts it, “the casualties of shitty people: the shitty adjacent people.” She says, “We make a lot of cards for non-traditional parent child relationships. But they are less for what to send your shitty mom and more about what to send your friend who has a shitty mom and hates Mother’s Day because they feel left out.”

She acknowledges that this holiday is so tough for so many. “It’s not just people who had a shitty mom,” she says, “but people who had miscarriages or people who want to get pregnant and can’t and have any kind of bad association and get triggered by the mother-child celebration. We focus on supporting each other, and recognizing the reality of what we’re going through that may not be reflected in greeting card land.”

The distance between my own mother and me grows wider with every passing marker of the year. I no longer send her gifts or attempt to call her, and I recently told my teenage daughters they shouldn’t feel obliged to send her cards if they don’t want to. When Mom’s birthday rolled around this winter, I toyed with the notion of ignoring it altogether. I was in throes of a deeply painful period in my life,  and her conspicuous absence from it felt uniquely cruel.

It took a few days to make up my mind. I had to get to the place where I didn’t want to do something purely out of guilt or tradition. But I didn’t want to not do something, out of spite or hurt feelings, either. So I reached down deep for the love I still carry for her, the gratitude for the love she has given me and for the happy memories that nothing can ever erase. I sought to do something thoughtful, with no expectation of reciprocity. That’s what a card is supposed to do. It was an exceptionally cold day. I had just come out of the hospital, where my daughter had been fitted with a heart monitor. I went to the drugstore and found a card that said, “Happy birthday, Mom” on the front. I wrote “I love you” inside.

And now, because they still don’t make cards that say, “You probably did your best, given your limited emotional range” or “I turned out OK anyway,” this weekend I got my mom a card that reads, “Wishing you every special thing Mother’s Day can bring.” I don’t know what those special things would be, but I wish them for her anyway.

I won’t include my older daughter’s yearbook photo, or the image of her sister singing at Le Chat Noir in Paris. I feel like it would seem like I’m asking my mom for something, and I’m done asking. Instead I’ll just sign my name. The name she gave me. The name that’s half hers. In two days, it’ll travel to her mailbox and into her house. She’ll recognize the return address on the envelope. She’ll open it and see the butterflies on the paper. She’ll read a message from a daughter she no longer knows. And then maybe she’ll put it on her refrigerator.

If He Says Any Of These 5 Things, He’s Probably Lying To You


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Photo: Google

 

By: Jack Schafer Ph.D/ Psycology Today

Common responses that should not be ignored.

Detecting deception using verbal cues remains a difficult task. The best method to predict deception compares what a person says against external evidence or known truth. At best, certain statements can indicate a higher probability of deception, but there’s no one verbal cue that accurately predicts deception.

However, certain words or groups of words can signal an area in an utterance wherein deception is likely to occur. If the conversation is important, knowing where potential deception resides can provide a distinct advantage, in business or social interactions.

The following five statements are signs someone is lying to you and should raise your red flag of deception:

1. “That’s about it.”

The word “about” is a word qualifier, which indicates the speaker has more to say but does not want to elaborate. If the speaker told the entire story, his or her response would be, “That’s it.” The word “about” signals that the response falls short of the entire story. Truthful people relate all the facts without fear of legal or social consequences. A deceptive person does not tell the complete story because there’s something they don’t want to disclose.

2. “You can’t prove that.”

The word “prove” suggests that evidence exists to verify the supposition or accusation posited, but the speaker failed to discover the hidden proof. Honest people do not think in terms of proof: They know that no evidence exists because they did not do what the speaker accused. Deceptive people know proof of their deception exists but the speaker has not yet discovered sufficient evidence to support the accusation.

3. “Why would I do that?”

Answering a question with a question is a huge red flag indicating the possibility of deception. Honest people make direct denials. They typically respond, “I didn’t do that.” Deceptive people are evasive, and when they are caught off guard, they need extra time to think of a believable response. A response like, “Why would I do that?” buys the deceptive person precious time to formulate such a response.

4. “Are you accusing me?”

In addition to answering a question with a question, the accused may subtly try to turn the tables on his or her accuser, putting the questioner on the defensive. The unspoken words of the accused are, “How dare you accuse me? Prepare to defend yourself.” This subtle counterattack prompts the accuser to justify his or her accusations. In doing so, the accused buys time to press a counterattack or prepare a believable story. The simple answer to this question: “Yes, I am accusing you, or I would not have brought the topic up in the first place.” This response parries the counterattack and puts the accused back on the defensive.

5. “I don’t remember doing that.”

Deceptive people often claim lack of memory as a way to cover the truth. This defense sets two traps for dissemblers:

First, in order to not remember what you did, you must first have an extant memory of the event. By definition, to not remember something you must have initially stored the information in your memory. The lack of memory indicates that the memory is stored in the brain but that the person cannot retrieve it. Truthful people typically respond, “I don’t know.” Lack of memory suggests the person cannot retrieve a memory and, therefore, does not know what happened. Honest people strive to do anything they can to retrieve the memory of an event. Deceptive people do not want to reveal remembered information for fear of revealing the truth.

The second trap is similar. A person cannot say, “I don’t remember doing that,” unless the person remembers what he or she actually did. The word “that” suggests the person did not remember doing a specific set of actions. In order to say, “I didn’t do that,” the person has to know what he or she did do. Logically, how can a person say he or she does not remember doing something when they have no memory of the event? The word “that” suggests memory of an event.

The questioner’s response to this gambit should be, “What do you remember doing?” Honest people will tell you what they remember doing, to support their alibi. Dishonest people usually cling to the lack of memory by saying, “I don’t know what I did.” Here the questioner’s response should be, “If you don’t know what you did, it is possible that you did exactly what I described.” Deceptive people make no attempt to retrieve a memory of an action for fear of revealing the truth.

Jack Schafer, Ph.D., is a behavioral analyst for the FBI and the author of The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over. Read more of his work on Psychology Today.

 

Why Some People Can Look You Straight In The Face & Tell You Lies


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By: Susan Saint Welch

It’s time to stop making excuses for them.

When it comes to the spectrum of human behavior within relationships of all kinds, it can be difficult even for professionals in fields related to mental health and psychology to determine the reasons underlying the bold behavior of habitual, possibly pathological liars, whether they are merely guilty of telling the occasional “white lie” or they bend and break the truth to such an extent it should qualify them to for potential diagnosis with a personality and/or compulsive disorder.

The simple truth no matter how you look at it, however, is that people lie because they want to avoid responsibility or because they value their own feelings more than they value yours.

The majority of compulsive liars use lying to avoid difficult situations and/or to allow themselves to get away with doing whatever it is they want to do.

Of course, when the liar in question is your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or significant other, you don’t want to believe their reasons for betraying you in this way could arise from any bad intent.

These are some of the most common lies we tell ourselves when the person we love lies to us to a pathological extent.

  • “Everybody lies.”

This is true to some degree. That’s why the phrase “little white lies” was coined. But there is a significant difference between a “little white lie” and a pattern of lying that cannot be overlooked in a relationship.

“White lies” are typically told on a rare basis, and they the person telling them usually feels a bit uncomfortable when doing so. If the person does not feel uncomfortable, they are likely to have lied many times before and now use this as a standard means of dodging uncomfortable situations. Or, they may have lied so frequently now that they genuinely don’t recognize a lie from the truth as most people would.

Naturally, that is not a positive characteristic in a mate.

Humans don’t do something on a continual basis when there is no payoff for doing it, so even if it seems to be a “white lie” of little significance, the fact that this person is choosing to lie to you rather than coming to you with straight-forward communication is an issue to consider carefully.

A great question to ask yourself in such a situation is: “Why would they would need to do this?”

  • “It’s just a bad habit.”

First of all, no, this is not just a “bad habit,” but rather a way to dodge the truth whenever there is something negative to avoid.

For example, he may lie about having cheated on you in order to avoid you breaking up with him. This mean he is thinking about his needs when he is lying, not about protecting your well being.

If you decide to “fix” this problem by correcting his “habit,” you change your role in the relationship so that he may begin seeing you as his mother rather than as his girlfriend. Here again, that’s not a healthy thing for any romantic relationship. He may quickly come to resent you, while his own poor behavior is unlikely to change.

  • “It’s not his fault.”

This one often sounds something like, “He had a terrible childhood and his father beat him any time he admitted to doing something wrong.”

That may (or may not) be true, but regardless, he’s no longer a helpless and defenseless child. He is responsible for his actions, as are all adults. He could choose to change his behavior, but he has evidently decided to use the same coping mechanism of lying that he used as a child in his grown-up relationship with you.

The cold, hard truth is that the reason someone habitually lies to you really doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that you won’t ever be able to trust him, and because of that, you will always wind up playing detective as you try to determine the “real” truth. Do you really want to do that? Relationships are challenging enough without having to second guess your mate.

He can choose to seek professional help if he can’t make these changes on his own, just like anyone else. You are not there to be his therapist, mother, or healer.

Beyond the excuses, many who find themselves in a relationship with a compulsive liar allow the behavior to continue, citing the belief that “love will conquer all.”

Unfortunately, that isn’t true. If he is a true narcissist, sociopath, and/or pathological liar and you choose to stay in this relationship, you will have to live with his lying as his coping style of choice for the rest of your lives together.

When someone is a true “sociopath,” they present behaviors that fall under the clinical diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM 5), which includes (but is not limited to) “a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

  1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
  2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
  3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
  4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
  5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others
  6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
  7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.”

This is not meant to be a complete list of characteristics, and definitely not as a means to diagnose your partner, but rather as signs to watch out for in a relationship where lying is common.

Most people who lie compulsively do not have this personality disorder, and in any case, the of the matter is that it’s impossible to trust a compulsive liar.

You can’t pick certain parts of a person to love and be in a relationship with. You must take all of them. And in doing so, you will have to live with all of their ways of coping.

Is that how you want to live? Always trying to be two steps ahead of his thinking and motivations? That could be exhausting.

And if you plan to have children, is this the man you want to raise them with?

Even the healthiest relationships require a lot of work in order to build an emotionally safe and fulfilling life together.

Playing detective and constantly watching for lies is exhausting over time, and that’s not how healthy relationships should be. Healthy relationships are about being honest with each other. They’re about feeling emotionally and physically safe with your special person, being two people taking on the world together as one.

If you are in a relationship where you feel the need to play detective in order to determine truth from lies, rethink your situation.

Is this the type of relationship you truly want and deserve?

You can have a loving, fulfilling and emotionally safe relationship with someone you know you can always trust … because he is trustworthy! And you so deserve this!

Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT, is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online in California for over 20 years, helping radiant, single women get un-stuck and find the lasting love they deserve. She is passionate about teaching skills and concepts for healthier relationships, dating and self-esteem. For more, follow her on her website.

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