Real Housewives of Atlanta S10 Ep13 Drama by Wig


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Kim Zolciak’s wigs/Photo Google

The Jury is still out on whether or not Nene Leakes or Kim Zolciak’s return is paying dividends. I was once a big fan of both women, Nene’s bullying and Kim’s self centered  grew old and they both seem to suffer from a superiority complex.

So far this season, both Zolciak and Leakes have made a few sparks in Atlanta but it’s Zolciak’s return that has been the most disappointing thus far. There is history between the two.   If we were to believe the early interviews during the first season, the two were close friends.  Perhaps this is why the fights between the two seem personal.

Kim attacks on Kenya (her marital status) and the asinine remark about Kandi making moves on her, makes her seems desperate for camera time.

Last night, she brought the drama without being on camera.

The episode began in Barcelona.  In the van, Marlo, once again anoints herself as the director of etiquette and her first pupil was going to be Kandi.  Marlo is THAT cousin who is extra and knows everything.   Kandi wasn’t up for the lesson.

At one point its time to talk about the ladies who didn’t go Kim and Kenya. Nene goes after Kim and her inability  be away from her husband Kroy. Nene says,  Kim “is the only person [she knows] that has had cancer, thyroids, blood clots, a stroke, and is still walking around here being negative.”

Cynthia made the arrangements in the “fabulous villa”.  Problem was, that they couldn’t check in until  the evening.  Which lead to some spontaneous  sightseeing.  They saw a famous church but Cynthia didn’t check the operating hours, so they couldn’t go inside.

With the Villa on hold the ladies lunch.  Eva, apologizes to Cynthia about the Will mess. Cynthia thinks Eva’s heart is in the right place, but she also says that she believes Will over the women trying to tell her that he’s an opportunist.

While Cynthia is okay with Eva, she is not with Porsha’s heard something from someone else.  Cynthia’s history with Porsha’s heard (she heard her ex Peter was dating employees)  and Cynitha reminder Porsha, how she”heard” that Kandi and Todd was drugging her to have sex.

This was the first non hotel vacation for the ladies from Atlanta.    These ladies are used to room service, nice bathrooms and luxury.    The villa looks as if it was furnished by Ikea, to makes matters worse it has eight bedrooms and six bathrooms for seven women.

Room Fight

Its time, for the ladies to choose their rooms.  While Nene and Cynthia were leisurely about their rooms, the newbies (Marlo, Shame and Eva) quickly find rooms with Kandi ending up with the best room, with the best view and the largest bathroom.

With all the good rooms gone, Nene is clearly annoyed and corners Cynthia    Nene feels the rooms should be chosen by maturity, putting the seasoned ladies on the upper floors and so on  and wants a group meeting.  Cynthia knowing how this is going to go down, tells Nene to go for it.

And it went down as planned, Nene spoke and lobbied, Kandi said “I’m not changing” and wore Nene down.  Kandi said, Nene is the one who gets offended when people mention her age, so why is she using age now?

Shamea’s tosses a lil shade Eva’s way.  Asking Eva, if her boyfriend was okay with her dating women.  ‘Come again?’ Eva asked, ‘I just thought on the block that you dated Missy Elliott or somebody?’ Shamea said.

‘No,’ Eva insisted .Shamea insisting: ‘I mean, you’re a beautiful girl ,it’s not hard to believe.”Am I a lesbian? The answer is no,’ Eva insisted later during a confessional.

‘Did I date Missy Elliott? The answer is no. Have I ever had a girl-on-girl experience? The answer is yes, but still, why are we being messy?’

The Bone Collector Reports

After changing into pajamas, Shamea, Porsha, and Sheree calls Kim to bring her up to date.   Sheree is on it, as she barely lets the phone stop ringing before she tells Kim what Nene has said!    Saying it was dumb that she wouldn’t come on the trip without Kroy. Porsha starts to say something, then changers her mind, saying she’ll save it for another time, and Sheree says “No, that’s what we need to do.”

Porsha tells Kim that she didn’t know that Kim was  a cancer survivor, cause she  was going to say that’s wonderful and a blessing because cancer runs in my family.” Kim shoots back that she’s not a cancer survivor and wants to know why Nene was running her mouth!    Sheree tells her that Nene basically said she was faking her heath issues. Kim is beyond pissed and says , Nene is fucking  scum and I won’t even acknowledge it.”

“Kim  acknowledges it”

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The ladies sit down to the dinner table, where Marlo has placed a tiara in honor of Kenya and a wig in honor of Kim. Shamea brings up “the elders” situation from earlier, and Nene goes off big time ,fussin at everyone for continuing to talk about her age that she brought up.      Nene prays to Jesus to bring her down, before she loses it.

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 Suddenly everyone phones at table goes off!

Its a group text, from Kim!

Kim sends everyone a video made by Kim’s daughter Brielle of roaches in Nene’s bathroom.

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This is scaring the fuck out of the new girl Eva, who doesn’t know she’s signed up for!

Kim’s text continues: “For someone that has two beautiful kids and an amazing husband, she should be worried about karma. But this is coming from the same person who takes handicap spots from a handicap person.”  She had the receipts (a picture of Nene Rolls in a handicap parking space)

Sheree,  “A bone carrier is never off her job”

Nene is at 10 plus,  She wants to know how Kim knew what was talked about on the bus? I think Nene was SO PISSED her eyes shut down. !   How so nevah! with her eyes closed She said “Can’t none of y’all step in my house and say a mutha fucking thing!”  “All my shit is bran new with real tags and real labels!”  and Y’ALL bitches ain’t even got pools”

With her eyes still closed Nene doesn’t back down.  She believes Kim is a fake and faking all her illnesses and say’s Kim is a“She’s a trashy, no-good bitch, she’s always been trash, and she’s gon’ always be trash.

Was it super messy? Yes!

Was it calculated on Kim’s Part?  Yes

Your thoughts

 

CityFella

 

 

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I hate Valentines Day


With a passion!

And I’m NOT alone!   To be fair, I struggle with any and all days that prompt me or obligate me to act or to do something on a particular day, Including Christmas,    I have Turkey all year round and I’ve had duck on Thanksgiving.

Somewhere today someone is being pressured to do something for their significant other.   Somewhere tonight there will be tears and resentment,separation and possibly divorce,because of this day.   The other three hundred sixty four days is meaningless.

I am a romantic man. I rarely miss a birthday and throughout the years  I have bought flowers, gifts, (Diamonds) just because.

Throughout the years I have been pressured, by friends, colleagues to participate in this manufactured holiday.    I have stood in long lines on V-day, at a drug store with other sad sacks, buying whatever that was available so there would be some semblance of peace when I got home.

   For years, a friend worked overtime, he bought nothing for himself, to buy his wife a New Mercedes SUV for her birthday.   Three weeks later, she was outraged!  She said, she was the only woman in her section who did not get anything on V-Day!  The couple fought for a week.

For those who love V-day carry on.   For me participating on this day is disingenuous and I will not participate.  There are some who might say.  This day symbolizes love and a gift is merely an extension of that  love you have for the that special person in your life.

If V-Day, is the only day my love and affection has value?  Bye Felicia!

CityFella

 

 

Women of Value


I arrived at the end of a fight in the parking lot of a discount store. The woman I was standing next to was a friend or a sister who was angry with the woman with the blood stain on her shoulder and the large hole in her top.

The friend or sister is standing with her arms folded angry, talking to herself. I cant believe it!  she took off her job to fight this women or should I say all the women her man has fucked.  It don’t make no sense!   

For more than four decades, a wife lived across the street from the woman who was having an affair with her husband.   To perhaps soften the blow.  The wife held lavish parties inviting children, grand children and great grand children. There were glossy pictures all over their home. In public she often said, my husband, Peter did this for me.  But everyone knew, all her friends and all the children knew of the affair.  The wife knew where he was, whenever his car was in the driveway.   He was with the love of his life.

As a male I have never understood why some women allow this form of treatment. Its clear the man she has chosen doesn’t respect or value her.  But where is her self worth her value?  Some women have told me the other woman is a safer target.  Other’s believe there is an ownership and another women should respect the relationship. Some say its for the children, I struggle with this, because not only has he disrespected his wife, he has disrespected the entire family.  They have less of him and the message to the children is this is normal behavior.   

I knew of these women, as a teenager, I used to drive one of these women around in my car.  She wasn’t looking for her cheating husband ,the man she took vows with.  The goal was ultimate humiliation.  She was willing to publicly humiliate herself and the other woman at place of employment.   There wasn’t an end game, just humiliation as their was no guarantee that the planned event would end the affair.    At one point, she took a lover,   (you can’t beat um join um) after all he had been unfaithful for more than three years.  When he learned she had a lover, he left the family.  Not with the women he was having an affair with, but another women.  It seems he was cheating on the side chick too.       

    You rarely find a male, fighting with another man over his cheating partner.  Rarely see two men fighting in a Wal Mart parking lot over a cheating spouse.

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2017 was going to be different ,she told herself.  She planned to pull out all the stops and produce more than anyone in the department.  She WAS going to be noticed next year.    She’s been with the company five years. She knows all of her male colleagues earn more than she does.   Her salary review last year, went no where.  She read books to help her be more assertive and convinced herself there were other companies willing to pay her more should her currently employer didn’t meet her wage demands.

From the moment the door opened her confidence disappeared.   When they said, they where pleased with her work,she felt the tears.  (Pleased?) What kinda shit is this? She thought to herself.    She knew she produced more than everyone in her department and it wasn’t noticed.   When they offered her a six percent raise she didn’t speak.     She shook her head when the offered seven, because she thought they may change their minds. Weeks later she learned that one of her colleagues received a twelve percent raise.  Humiliated, the  next day she called in sick.

“We teach people how to treat us”

Men scream about their accomplishments, women whisper.  A male employee may pound on desk, and argue why they deserve a raise .Some women are afraid.  Like many women my friend hoped that she would be fairly judged based on her accomplishments and the quality of her work.   She agreed to  a 7% raise when she wanted a 15% raise.  She wasn’t comfortable asking for what she wanted.   She brought all the necessaries to the review, she had the stats, she knew what she brought to the company.  But she was uncomfortable.saying it. So she took what she that was their final offer.

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A lifetime doesn’t change overnight.   Women have told me they were raised to be second place.  Their mothers, aunt’s have told them to do what ever it takes to make the marriage work .  One day he will get tired of beating on you . If he cheats on your, just remember you have the paper. 

Politics

It was important that black people get elected to office , to vote in major blocks, to have a seat at the table.   Men are in control all most places in the world.  It important they remain  in control. Until the power is shared, womens issues will always come second.

Women, have been under attack for many years, because they do not have enough seats at the table to make a significant difference.  Every year, more women are under attack, health care, reproductive rights, childcare and this will not change until there are more women voices, more places at the table and It doesn’t matter which party belong to.  

Women of Value   

 The women in my life aren’t second to anyone.  Sometimes in life we choose the wrong person, someone who isn’t worthy of our loyalty or devotion. Its not a critical error, it was a mistake .  Hopefully we will learn and make better choices in the future. 

I believe if you have committed yourself, you should do your absolute best to make it.   If its broken try to fix it.  Using your words, ask for what you want.  Its unlikely you’ll get everything. Its a step forward in your relationship or your profession,  its a victory.   

These are my opinions, of course these do not apply to every man or everywomen.  I’m not a psychologist, or sociologist.  I am simply a dad ,brother, uncle, and a friend who wants a better world for his daughters, nieces and friends and their daughters.  A world  where they stand beside their male counterparts and not behind.

 CityFella

 

 

 

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For the love of pigs


In one Florida farm, pigs were used to help the children of an autistic family. Photo reprinted courtesy of Doug Engle of the Ocala

By: Kristine Crane/The American In Italia

Recently a friend and his kids paid a visit to my house. It’s funny what kids pick up on. I have a two-bedroom 1940s Bungalow with a metal roof. It’s not exactly a cracker house, but it has character, and I’ve filled it with motifs of myself: pictures of Rome, poetry books, National Geographic magazines.

And then, there are my pigs. I have pig paraphernalia all over. I didn’t realize quite how much until the kids found my two plastic pigs (facing each other) that oink when squeezed, a stuffed pig on the kitchen window sill, a pig light on my key chain that also oinks when lit up, a stuffed Peppa pig for the baby on the way, pig storybooks, the perennial pig Christmas ornament from my aunt, pig slippers, and the pig footies I happened to be wearing.

I took inventory after they left, which is when it hit me: You can take the girl out of Iowa, but you can’t take the Iowa out of the girl.

I grew up in a pig-happy state. Iowa has the country’s highest pig population. Sadly, even for a lightweight vegetarian like me, most of the pigs have short, consumer-culture driven lives — another story entirely.

I was raised far from the pig farms, in a university town, but my fondness for pigs started early. I remember wanting a pet pig the way many little girls wanted a horse. I would eye our backyard, imagining a mini Wilbur grazing on the grass. My father cut short my daydreams: Pigs grow up and get big, he said.

I dropped the idea of ever having a pig until I moved to North Central Florida a few years ago. I took a reporting job covering Marion County — a big, rural county best known for its champion horse industry. Once on a reporting assignment, I did a double take when I saw a sign advertising pigs for sale. Excitedly, I took a picture, and then sent it to my companion, who quickly wrote back: “Don’t do it.” I wasn’t seriously considering getting a real pig, since I lived in town, where pigs were illegal, but I did know people in the countryside with pot-belly pigs, and being in such close proximity to pigs was enough to appease my pig-loving appetite.

The author at the 2005 Iowa State Fair: You can take the girl out of Iowa, but you can’t take the Iowa out of the girl.

One family in particular lived on the outskirts of town, in a trailer with patched-up windows and a muddy front yard that served as the pig pen. I went there on a reporting assignment, and regretfully wore white linen pants and strappy sandals that sunk into the ground. The pigs oinked and pooped. They were also, at least nominally, serving a purpose, as therapy pets for the family’s four autistic children. Their mother claimed only the pigs could calm her children down. The children poked at the pigs all they wanted, and the pigs just calmly took in their aggression, she explained. The pigs slept in bed with the kids, too.

I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the mother’s explanation, but she polished it for the Marion County Commission when pleading her case to keep the pigs —which were technically illegal, since the family lived just within city limits. When the Commission voted to allow the family to hold on to the pigs, the room erupted in applause. That was, incidentally, the boldest decision I ever saw come out of the Commission, which was known for being sluggish and conservative.

Why pigs? The kids wanted to know. I didn’t have a good answer at the time. Now I do. It’s well-known that pigs are smart. They’re also cute and cuddly. They’re mostly sweet, unless you disrupt their feedings. I find them soulful, similar to th way many people find dogs soulful. I might not go so far as trusting a pig with my life, but I wouldn’t protest a pig companion. In fact, I may unconsciously look for the pig in people. I don’t mean that I look for gluttony (although I like people with a hearty appetite). And I certainly don’t mean the trite comparison between men and pigs. I like people who are smart, sensitive, reliable, and have an unpretentious zest for life. How pig are you?

My mother might have something to do with my pig obsession. Since her death, both big and small things about me seem attributable to her influence. She read me “Charlotte’s Web” when I was a child, and cried more than I did at the ending. It was one of her all-time favorite books, even as an adult, and she was a voracious reader.

Interestingly, her own death reminded me of the book. Hours after she passed at our home, I went out to the front porch swing with my earmarked copy of Emily Dickinson’s “Final Harvest.” I noticed a perfect spider web in suspense between the swing and the porch perimeter.

The rest of the family came out, one by one, to join me —slowly and sadly. No one said much, but you could feel the loss, and unity within the loss — like all the farm animals gathered to mourn the beloved Charlotte.

There wasn’t a spider in sight, but in the sunlight, the web shone like a silver thread.

Before I Do: Why History Matters


His or Her Past, may have a major impact on your future as a couple

Sex and the Heart has ruined many relationships because they often distract from reality.    

The heart wants one thing and one thing only, love.   The heart is hopeful, it tells the brain to overlook what it sees because love concurs all.

The euphoric feeling after sex has led to many spontaneous marriages, where virtual strangers have married.

But what do you really know about this person?  Of course, the feeling with this person is unlike any you’ve experienced.  And you have bared your souls, but what do you really know about this person other than they make your heart pound?

Were going to exlore some topics you should consider before moving in or saying I do.

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Money

1 Us Bank Note

It’s not as sexy as infidelity, but most people divorce over (control) MO-NAY!

You’ve moved away from home, your making a living and you buy what you want, when you want it!    No one can tell you want to do or buy your-your own person.  Now your married or living with someone and now you have to compromise, have limits to how you spend your hard earned mo-nay.  Its a challenge for most relationships.

If you enjoyed his spontaneity while your where dating.  Trips to Las Vegas or Paris, gifts just because…. the best seats and restaurants.  Your view of him may dim after marrying him when he can’t pay the mortgage.

If your partner likes the finer things in life…..clothes, jewelry and cars, this unlikely to change after I do.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this as long as the two of you are on the same economic page(A meeting of the minds) before you move in together or marry.

Asking to see their portfolio may be a wee bit invasive 

Image result for signs signs read the signs

1.Does he or she buy clothes, jewelry, parts for the car every weeks.  The priority is things. For some of these people, the future is the future, they believe they work hard and should have things to make them happy.  The downside, these people rarely have substantial savings.  So if saving for a home, retirement or for a rainy day is important to you. This may not be your life mate. 

  1. Have they moved a lot, say four or five times in the last three years in the same area This is often an indication of instability.  If there are flaws in the home, neighborhood  this person moves.  It also may mean he/she has difficulty paying his rent. 

3. Do they spend a lot of time online showing you things they are interested in purchasing? See #1

  1. Are they are over 30 living with family members?  A lot of us fall on hard times.  However,there are a few who are repeat offenders.(approach with caution)  If you see a future with this person. Wait until he or she lands completely on their feet (3 or 4 years) AND WHAT EVER YOU DO? DO NOT OFFER FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE!
  2. Is your potential mate always running short of money, or juggling money! Warning!    Eventually they may ask you for financial assistance OR you may want to help.  Dont!!!

DO NOT:  Co sign for anything, add them to your phone plan, open joint accounts/merge accounts.  Issue Credit cards Offer to rescue them and should they ask you for financial assistence within the first six months!  RUN FAST! RUN FAR!      

There is a reason they have bad credit, a reason they came to you instead of a friend or family member they have known much longer.(What do those people know, that you don’t?) 

Turn down your heart.  You may want to help -but take a moment.  If your partner is having financial problems now. When you marry or move in, you inherit their financial problems and those problems are often much greater than you anticipated.  In the long term, this may affect your credit and limit your abilty to purchase a home or buy a car.?                                        __________________

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“Our friendships is often a reflection as to who we are as person”  

Long term relationships often indicate stability.  How does he or she interact with his friends? Is there joy or ongoing conflicts? (Not to be confused with disagreements)  Is he or she short tempered with his friends?

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  1. Anytime he or she talks about their friends or family its nearly always negative.  She or he may be projecting or have a negative view of the world.
  2. They never talk about their friends. Not a good sign, has she or he burned their bridges? Wanted by the police?  Ask questions! 
  3. After a year, you have never met more than one of his or her friends.  See#2
  4. Has a trail of severed friendships. Impatience, anger.  He/she hasn’t attacked you yet? Give it time!  Run! 
  5. Rude to their friends.  If she or he will eventually be rude to yours See#4

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Are you in sync with your partner? This is the conversation that most couples avoid.  Sometimes out of fear and other well, love will fix it.   The truth is, love isn’t enough. Its very complicated as it has many moving parts.  Are you on the same page politically?  For most marriages this isn’t a deal breaker but for a special few, it could be.

Deal breakers! (Disccusions you MUST have before the committment)

Children?   If children is very important to you.  You need to know if your potential life partner is on the same page.  DON’T ASSUME,ask?   Don’t make a deal with the devil hoping that he or she might eventually change their minds. If he or she has children, do you like them?  What is your relationship with them?  Will they live with you?  The reality is they will be a part of your lives.  If your partner children do not like or respond to you.  The relationship will suffer.

Religion?  Similar to the issue of children.   Can your coupling survive a different Religion?  If there are children.  What religion?  This could affect relationships with in the families. 

Family?  Is your partner a caretaker? Elderly or disable family members who require his time?  Will they live with you?   

( A week after their honeymoon, her husbands friend and two siblings moved in with them?)

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The heart says, if I love hard enough.    If I believe.   Love will find a way to make it better.  If this is you.  I suggest you talk to a few divorced individuals before making a commitment.    Relationships take time and requires ongoing maintenance.

Early on in the relationship its not uncommon to feel as if we are overthinking  relationships, but there are important signs we cant afford to overlook.  The first time your hit.   If their drinking and recreational use of alcohol and drugs make you uncomfortable.   The second time they disrespect you.  The first time they asked you for assistance.  Do they value you?

There are no guarantees in life, but trust what you see and hear.

 History matters.

CityFella

 

Forgiveness: Impossible?


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Photo: Google

At fifteen, Alice knew she wanted a different life. Her mother was overbearing and very religious, demanding every one attend church.  Her mothers world revolved around church.  She and her younger sister went to church several times a week.  She couldn’t go to he movies, she wasn’t allowed to listen popular music or secular. She had a better relationship with her dad, when see saw him, he had three jobs.  He was easier to talk too as long as her mother wasn’t present.   The relationship between her mother and father seemed distant, their lives were very different.

In High School, she met a boy and fell in love, the boy played football and very popular in school, however his life was very different than hers.   He family was middle class and she had a younger sister.  He had eight other siblings who lived with various family members.  There was no relationship with his mother or father and he and his two sisters lived with his grandmother in a very small apartment across town.    While both her parents worked, his grandmother received aid.  He worked part time at a hamburger stand near his grandmothers apartment.

She and her boyfriend were inseparable.  Just after her 17th birthday she learned she was pregnant.  When she told her mother, her mother demanded that the two marry before the child was born.  ‘

They had a son.   The couple lived seperatley until he found a better job at a hosptial where they were able to afford a small aparment.

Neither of them was prepared to be a family.  She wasn’t prepared to be a mother and he wasn’t prepared to be a husband or a father.    Over time their disagreement turn violent. To escape the violence, she spent extra time with her mother, at one point her mother said she should work it out with the father of her son as it was better to have a man then to be a single mother. Her advice to her daughter was to learn not to make him mad.

By the time she was 19, she had two more children a boy and a girl.   The violence increased, her husband resented being  a young father.  She resented being at home with the children while her friends were going out to the movies and dance clubs.   Over time the violence subsided,

Her husband was having an affair and rarely home.  She didn’t miss him, when they were together there was constant arguing over the simplest of things and the children seemed happier when he was away.  The one day she would see him was on Fridays.  He dropped money for the family.    She had an affair with the clerk at supermarket where she shopped and became pregnant.  The man offered her a better life but wasn’t interested in supporting another mans children.

One day she dropped off her three children with her mother and never returned.

The two moved out of state and started a new life. Without getting a divorce from her first husband, she married again.  This man did not hit her or raised his voice.  In short order, the  couple went on to have four children, one after the other.  To save money for their own home, they moved in with his mother.

Like her mother, his mother was overbearing.  Everything had to have her approval and that included, what she wore and how the children were raised.  Her husband never questioned or challenged his mother.

Alice always wanted to go to college.  When she told her mother in law she wanted to go to college, her mother in law said no.  Her job was to be a mother and a wife. She said her son would never agree to it.

Alice  knew her husband would never go against his mother.  So she found a job at a local store.  She thought with the job and paying her mother in law to watch the children, she might agree.   He  mother in law refused.  A good friend lent her $300 and with the money she was able to pay for the first semester of college and pay for childcare.

One day, her husband asked to speak to her outside.  Once outside he slapped her and demanded that she quit school and her job.   She refused.   Fresh from the slap,  mother in law said, he should have put you in your place a long time ago.    “You are nothing and if didn’t obey her son ,she and her son would take the children away form her.

Weeks later,  she returned from work to find an empty house.   Everything was gone including her belongings   She stayed at her friend  until she was able to find a room to rent  near her job.  Once a week she would go by the house.  Her heart ached for her children, when she called her husbands job, they told her he hadn’t reported to work.

Several weeks later, she walked by the house and looked inside.  It was like she had never left everything was in its original place.   When she knocked on the door, there was a lot of commotion in the home.    When the door finally opened it was her mother in law who gave her a large white envelope and closed the door.    She pushed back on the door began knocking loudly she called for her husband and children.   Inside she could hear the children  crying and calling for her.  She ran to the back of the house hoping to find an open door, she tapped on the windows hoping to see one of the children.

As she was running around the house, she ran into a police officer who asked to speak to her in the front of the home.    Another officer was talking to her mother in law with her husband  standing silent.   One of the police officers said, they were told she disappeared after having a mental breakdown and was a danger to the children.

What the officers didn’t know her husband had filed for divorce saying that she abandoned the marriage.  They told her she was not to return to the home, if she returned she could be arrested after she.  In the envelope was the divorce papers.

The court appointed an attorney to represent her.  Her husband had an outside attorney and currently had full custody of the children.  She was asking for visitation since she only had a room in someones home.    The court awarded her supervision, and on the first outing, her children were quiet.  Her oldest child was told  she didn’t’ want them, she wanted a new family, the other children started crying as she tried to reassure them, it wasn’t true.   Her other daughter began screaming she wanted to go home, the other children started crying.  Defeated, she left sobbing and never asked to see the children again.

She finished college with a four year degree.  She took a job as representative for a Pharmaceutical company.   She quickly went up the ranks and took a job on the west coast.  She didn’t contest the divorce and her husband had full custody of their children.

Many years have past without seeing any of her children.   Though her friend, her eldest child reached out to her.  Alice cried, but what would she say to him?  She wrote back to him and said told him she loved him but was unable to meet at this time.

As time past, she thought about her children frequently.  She often fantasize about seeing them all together.  But they all probably hated her.  She could understand their hatred.  What kind of mother would abandon her children?   And what if she reached out to them?   The first husband like the second had probably poisoned their minds, turned the children against her and what could she tell them without offending them and hurting them any further.

She dated, but never seriously, her focus was on her career where she was very successful.  She owned a home in Washington and one in Arizona.  At 43, she learned she was pregnant. She struggled with the idea keeping the child, she believed she was a terrible mother and she didn’t want to damage the life of another child.   However, this time she didn’t know who the father was and no one could take this child away from her and this time she was going  to be the best mother in the world to this child.

Her pregnancy was challenging ,she was forced to go on bed rest.    The child came into the world healthy .   She took a less demanding job, with the company so she could dedicate her time with her daughter.  In her forties, not only was she a different person she was a different parent.   Over time her daughter wanted to know about her father, she kept it real and said, she didn’t know.

Through the years her daughter became angry and resentful , if she had a dad, she might have a sister or a brother.   The anger grew intense through the years and one day without warning, she told her daughter, she had brothers and sisters.    This enraged her daughter who now demanded to meet them.

One day, she sat her fourteen year old daughter down and told her the full story.  How she abandoned her first three children and how her other four children were taken away from her.

The fighting ended between to two of them.  The two rarely spoke.  Her daughter said when she turned eighteen, she would move away from her mother and  probably never see her again.  Her daughter was a straight A student and had two jobs.  She saved her money and was determined to be free of mother in every way.

Meanwhile she wanted to meet her siblings. She demanded that her mother did whatever it took to contact her siblings.   For the first time she was forced to face her life.  Her daughter didn’t care if her siblings hated her mother. After all could you blame them?

Her mother slowly drifted into a deep depression. She was overwhelmed with a reality that she placed somewhere.  She was unable to work and sought help.  The home in Washington was sold and they relocated to Arizona permanently.   The move was especially difficult on her daughter who was more determined than ever to separate herself from her mother.

Alice’s  therapist told her she  would eventually need to meet with all of her children,  One child at a time for her life to move forward.   She would told to simply listen with no expectations of a relationship.  She needed to know how her actions affected her children .

She first reached out to her eldest who was now in his late thirties.   He did not respond to her letter.   She wrote him again and ask if he would give her number to his brother and sister.

With the help of an investigator she located two of her children with her second husband.

Two her surprise, her youngest daughter with her second husband called her and said she wanted to meet her. Through the younger daughter she was able to reach out to her other children she hadn’t seen in nearly 20 years.

She flew her daughter out to Arizona, on route to her home, her daughter asked her for ten thousand dollars.  She needed the money because she had fallen on hard times.  When she said she didnt have it, because she too had fallen on hard times, her daughter demand that she’d be taken back to the airport, after all she owed her this for what she did to her and that she would never see her other siblings and her grandchildren.

Over time she did see some of her children.   All where curious, and all were angry and hurt.  Some of the anger manifested into rage, and this rage effected their relationships with the men/women and children in their lives.

Some of the children had alcohol and drug issues.  A lot of her children simply learned to live without her.  They attached themselves to mother figures, aunts, grandmothers, mothers of friends. Some where no longer angry. others were enraged.  Some despite their successes in life had abandonment issues.

Her youngest child successfully met most of her siblings.  Some resented the relationship she had with their mother.  Others greeted her with open arms.  The youngest kept her promise, she moved away from Arizona and started a new life in Chicago without her mother.  His hurt her mother deeply. Despite the issues between them, this was the one constant relationship in her life.

Twelve years has gone by.   A child wanting to see his grandmother reconnect them. Her mother, now in her seventies is different, shes frail but stronger.   Other siblings now in their forties and fifty have connected with their mother.  Their relationship are friendly and cautious.

Some of the siblings resent the other sibling who are contact with the mother.  They feel what their mother did was unconscionable. After all a mother fights for her children, she didn’t.  it didn’t matter is she was embarrassed and guilt ridden, she is the mother, it her her duty to find her children!

In my opinion, the mother was awful and self centered. She abandoned three small children and didn’t fight for four others.

We will never know why, she did what she did.  If I were one of her children, would anything she said would be acceptable?  I don’t know?

As we grow older we learn the world is less black and white and more grey.    Some of us can look back at our lives, and look at the mistakes we made.  None of our lives unfolded as planned.  We  have misspoke, been self centered at times and over time we become are less judgmental and possibly more forgiving. Possibly because we were able to look at our own shortcomings. Perfection is a myth, if you are a parent your children are often mirrors.   You want to look away, but you cant.

Most of us survive horrific moments in our lives.  Some of us take longer to heal.  Other choose not to heal, to move forward, for some reason they need to relive the event.

There are many who believe it isn’t healthy to hold on to anger.  After it is history, that can never change.   Some of us as painful as it was can chalk it up as a lesson.   However some of us need the anger and resentment.  Need to relive the hurt.   Hopefully in time that person might choose to examine the anger and its importance.   The question is how do I benefit from the anger?

There is an assumption that the perpetrator is without,guilt or shame.  The reality is most are.  They live with the guilt of their misdeeds, often for a lifetime.

I  suspect the children who forgave their mother are living healthier lives. It is a nearly impossible hurdle and I’m sure it took time and reflection to get over that hurdle.  Its quite possible they have children and like most of us made mistakes rearing their children.

 

Forgiveness is possible, if its something you want.

CityFella

 

 

 

Has the Internet make us cold?


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Is technology making us cold? It’s a question I’ve been struggling with for the past few weeks. It started after one of my former students, Stephon, whom I taught when he was in 10th grade, was murdered. Stephon was cool and silly, and he loved to poke fun at any and every situation. So of course everyone posted his image all over social media with loving captions and funny stories that all ended in #RIP, #FlyHigh and #GoneButNeverForgotten. This lasted about two days and then, well, it was over.

I bumped into some of his friends on the basketball court a few days later. I was dropping off some books at this east Baltimore high school and one the guys spotted me. “Hey, Mr. Watkins! What’s up?”

 

I walked over to the gate and they started telling me about what they’d been up to since the last time I saw them. We laughed for 15 or 20 minutes, and then I asked them if they were OK.

Click the link below for the rest of the story

 

https://www.salon.com/2017/12/16/has-the-internet-made-us-cold/