the Confession


 

By: Madeline Klosterman/The American Italia

I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time,” he said. “But it never seemed right. I felt awkward with my feelings. But I really liked you. I was really attracted to you. I just couldn’t say it.”

On a crisp autumn day in upstate New York, Joel told me the truth about his feelings for me, and what had held him back those many years ago.

He was married at the time. That I already knew. He tried to kiss me at of 49th and 6th Avenue in Manhattan. I remember the bright city lights and the setting sun casting its shadows. I turned my head.

“Why can’t we get closer,” he asked. “Why can’t we make-out in some corner?”

“You’re married, remember?” He seemed to have forgotten.

“Yes I’m married, but I care for you,” he said, “One day I’ll tell you why the marriage no longer matters. I just can’t tell you now.”

Lines, I thought to myself. Where did he get these lines? But I did like him. Otherwise I wouldn’t have stood so long at that street-corner saying goodbye.

Now, years later sitting in a field overlooking a sloping valley, Joel told me the rest of the story.

When we met, his wife was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. She was losing recognition of the most basic things. It was a new marriage to boot, less than five years old, and his second. He hadn’t signed up for this, for his new partner to slip away so quickly, to be transformed from husband into caregiver.

But he stayed by her side. He watched as disease stole her memories, of friends, belongings, of her entire world. And as she repeated questions, lost direction, and read the same magazine over and over, his loneliness set in. She was there but gone.

“I’m a partner kind of guy,” he told me. “I like having someone to check in with and share my day.”

“Who do you check in with?” he asked me. “Who do you tell your day to?”

I realized then that I had no such person in my life. But I didn’t care. I’ve never felt the need to report to anyone. So said nothing.

“When did she die?” I asked.

“February, seven months ago.”

“And did she remember you until the end?”

“Yes, just before she died, she had a moment of lucidity and looked at me and said, barely audible, “I love you.” Then she disappeared into the abyss and died shortly after.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m really sorry.”

“I learned so much from caring for her. So much. I wouldn’t change any of it. Caring for someone in this way is the greatest gift.”

A long silence followed.

“Are you seeing anyone?” Joel asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “I see someone. But I can’t say where it’s going. He never wants to say. It’s a guy thing I guess.”

“If there’s an opening, I’d really like to see you. I’m in the city once a week, usually on Wednesdays. Can I give you a call for lunch?”

I smiled and nodded. Maybe it was worth exploring. As I drove back to the city, I considered how much of a full circle it would be if Joel, now single, re-entered my life.

He was outdoorsy, ready to travel, and he had feelings for me. What might I discover about my feelings for him? I let my mind wander.

Three weeks have passed since that autumn afternoon. The days are colder and winter is slowly creeping in. Joel has vanished. There have been no calls. There was no lunch date. I’ve stopped waiting for anything further.

It’s as if the day we met was his confessional, a chance to reveal his story and explain why he’d once been willing to be unfaithful. And perhaps to have the confession witnessed, before it slipped from memory and was gone for good

 

More: The American in Italia: http://www.theamericanmag.com/

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Just Another Woman Bullied by the President of the United States


Image result for mika brzezinski twitter

No surprises nothing new to see, its just another women under attack by the 45th President of the United States.  As a candidate he attacked women and made fun of a person with a disability.  As a citizen he often objectified women and made crude comments about women in public.

As bullies go, our President is your basic male chauvinistic bully.  Thinned skinned, insecure and paranoid. An individual who rarely directly attacks an equal.  Women are ornaments is his world, their role is to stand and look pretty.

A women below his standard of beauty would never enter his orbit.

He will never be challenged by a woman.  Our President would never choose to appear on a national talk show featuring a woman or women.  Losing debates to Hillary Clinton was devastating.  Winning the election was bittersweet as he will go to the grave before conceding he lost the popular vote to a woman.

Despite his words and criticism, our President regularly watches  MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” host Joe Scarborough was a four term member of The House of Representatives  representing Florida’s first district.  Scarborough is well respected and watched by other politicians.

A Republican, he has been critical of his party and the President .  No more than other news pundits.  He has been more critical of the President than his co-host Mika Brzezinski

On their show, Scarborough said that he was concerned about the very personal attacks on Brzezinski. He noted that he will insult the president and call him a racist. “And for some reason, he always goes after Mika,” he said.

Scarborough elaborated during Morning Joe: “He attacks women because he fears women.”

“The president’s unhealthy obsession with our show has been in the public record for months, and we are seldom surprised by his posting nasty tweets about us,” Scarborough and Brzezinski wrote, adding that they “believe it would be better for America and the rest of the world if he would keep his 60-inch-plus flat-screen TV tuned to ‘Fox & Friends.'”

Americans should not  be shocked, by the actions of our president.  He long told us who he is.  Supporters say, she and other news people had it coming . He is human and should be allowed to hit back !

But isn’t that counter to what we teach our children?  Sticks and stones.   Criticism is often the price that comes with being a public person. Before Trump, there was Obama, Bush. Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy and 35 other President who were criticized.  At 71, the cement is cast.  Its unlikely that the President will change.

Bullies are neutralized by calling them out. Saying this is unacceptable. The impact is greater when its amongst your peers.  Yesterday, many GOP women came forward and denounced his actions, some male leader came forward. While the women were more direct in their criticism of the President, the men were less so.

           Paul Ryan: “Obviously I don’t see that as an appropriate comment.” “What we’re trying to do around here is improve the tone, the civility of the debate. And this obviously doesn’t help do that.”    Sen. Ben Sasse “Please just stop. This isn’t normal and it’s beneath the dignity of your office,” Sen. Lisa Murkowski “do you want to be remembered for your tweets or your accomplishments?” Sen. Lindsey Graham, “Mr. President, your tweet was beneath the office and represents what is wrong with American politics, not the greatness of America.”Rep. Lynn Jenkins,”This is not okay. As a female in politics I am often criticized for my looks. We should be working to empower women.”  Sen. Orrin Hatch: “It’s incumbent on all of us, then — from the President to Congress on down — to be responsible for our speech.”Sen. Susan Collins “This has to stop — we all have a job — 3 branches of gov’t and media. We don’t have to get along, but we must show respect and civility.”

The male dominated members of his party must speak forcefully not just for the country, but for  their mothers, grandmother’s ,aunt’s, sisters and the daughter’s they love.   This form of bullying is not acceptable at anytime by anyone.

 

CityFella

 

 

 

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When YOU have to make an excuse for your significant other


There are people who were born with mental defects, there are many names for them. The defects are challenging  for those individuals to navigate in society.

There are others who simply behave badly.  They’re are rude, self centered , some are mentally and physically abusive and yet they are able to hold down a job . Some  maintain solid relationships .

After the first date you saw it!

Unexplained anger, the lack of patience and other flaws.  Short and rude with the waitress, aggressive driving,stories of his or her victimization.

Alone, you reasoned it away.  Perhaps you were over thinking it.  After all he was very kind to you and you felt good with him.  Weeks, months later he screamed at you.   She apologized , she would never scream or hurt you, the man she loves.

Again you questioned it.  When the two of  you were together the feelings were wonderful, he treated you like a king.  After a few months of dating you find yourself  nervously on standby for an outburst or unexpected flare up even though he hasn’t attacked you.

At a social event with friends and family, an outburst!  You make up an excuse; nerves, tired, work, something to protect your significant other.    On the ride home he rages at you. You weren’t supportive, your friend or family are bullies or said or did something  to provoke him

A friend or family calls ,to discuss the event.  They question your choice. You make excuses for him and at the same time concluded, there will be no more social events.

Perhaps, she was deeply wounded. Perhaps your love will change her.  If  he loves you  enough he will want to change.

Over time, you find him screaming at you more.  You’ve become the waitress, the bitch, the bastard ,one of the inferior people in her life who provokes her. By this time you have made a commitment to each other.

Occasional tender moments together gives you hope.  Then she tells you how inferior you are.  You use those tender moments as reference of what could be.   You avoid certain friends and family members.  When it comes to your significant other you play defense.

Your life becomes his ,as his defender and your constantly working on an offence to limit her outbursts!  

_________________________

Is this the life you you want?

What is amazing about some of these people, is despite their words and actions they are often quite in control.  At work, with certain friends, family members and at the workplace where you learn that they are kind, patient and supportive.

People tell us who they are, if we dare to listen

 We can see into their past , through their words when they describe  friends, family and former mates.   If she is thirty five and has no long term friends, it could be signal.  If he has five divorces and a boat load of children, that he rarely talks about ? another signal.  The signs are always present, if we dare to listen and watch how he or she interacts with others.  If there are no signs, that’s a reason to pause.

We teach people how to treat us! 

If someone you know continues to scream at you, its because you’ve gave them permission.   We have choices, they’re not easy.  You can say STOP this is not acceptable, and should she do it again, leave. and should the disrespect continues, leave forever.    If there ins’t a change in his demeanor.  He has told you, he has no regard for your feelings and who you are as a person.   If you stay, the disrespect will continue.  So the question becomes, why do you allow the disrespect.

You lower you self worth when you tell others you the are victim

Nice try!   No one is buying it.!

You have chosen your life.  You are vert adapt at excuses for your significant other, its like putting on a pair of shoes.

Should you leave?

If the abuse is physical, immediately.

Some individuals wont acknowledge the problem,they fear that they may be abandoned .

If this is you, the first step is talking to your significant other addressing the problem.

Someone said, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.

“Do not expect an immediate change is him or her”

 

Small changes in your behavior should be considered.  First things first, is to stopping making excuses for his bad behavior.

The most important change is to know why?

You need to know why you find it acceptable to make excuses for poor behavior.  Why you allow yourself to be treated poorly.   Chances are, your significant other isn’t the only  person your making excuses for.  If you don’t know why your choosing these types of relationships then your bound to repeated them.   If their are children, they learn their communication skills from you.

Seek a professional, to help you through it.  The next step is more difficult, couples counseling. You have to learn to function as a couple with the weight distributed equally.  In making excuses for you significant other your carrying most of the load and at one point the weight may overwhelm you.  it isn’t likely you can do this alone.   The decision has to be mutual , it doesn’t matter if your not married, homosexual or heterosexual, there are services available.

There aren’t any guarantees, through counseling it’s very possible one of  you may choose to leave the relationship. It’s also very possible the relationship comes out of counseling, stronger.

Life is short and can end in an instant. One shouldn’t have to make excuses for the bad behavior for your significant other.

CityFella

 

 

 

An unfair split


In Italy, trusting a partner to do the best by you isn’t always a safe bet.

That’s Queer 

In a gay relationship, 50-50 isn’t an equal proposition and can unexpectedly leave a trusting partner on the brink

My move to Italy in 2001 sharply curtailed my career possibilities and earning power. The best I could do was become an English instructor, a job that would never pay well or give me much chance for advancement. My companion Alberto, on the other hand, was a doctor with a secure position in a local hospital. What’s more, he already owned a modest apartment in Milan and had inherited part of a house on Lago Maggiore.

Many people still hold to the idea that one partner, usually the man in a heterosexual relationship, must be the primary wage earner, the so-called breadwinner. My father told me this in no uncertain terms, calling me a “parasite, living off Alberto’s money.” While it’s true my standard of living is higher than what I could manage on an English teacher’s salary, I still pay my own bills, including half of our second-hand car and our old boat. Though I share living expenses with Alberto, we don’t split things 50-50 and he contributes more.

If anything were to go wrong between us, Alberto could continue living as he does now. I’d have to return to Canada and find a way to reinvent myself in the workplace.

I married Alberto in Canada, but the Italy I moved to in 2001 contained no legal mechanisms to protect me. Same-sex civil unions didn’t exist. Alberto named me as his heir in his will. He added an insurance policy and also drafted a contract stipulating I had rights to a certain percentage of his estate. Unfortunately, as many wives would attest, not all husbands are as careful or considerate.

Click the Link for the Rest of the Story

http://www.theamericanmag.com/article.php?feature=Features&column=95

 

dating: THE CHECK


Image result for check for dinner

There was a time when the lines were clearly drawn, roles defined.   When it came to dating, it was the man who paid.  It was the man who decided where the couple was going to dine.

 This was pre Phil Donahue, and Murphy Brown.

After Donahue, there were some feminists who believed the man wasn’t obligated to pay and that equal rights meant just that, equal.   Separate checks leveled the playing field between men and women as some men believed dinner, obligated women.   On the other side, were the traditionalist, the man pays the man made the decisions. A women role was supportive as it was for their mothers and grandmothers.

It was a very confusing time, especially for men.   In the eighties, you never knew who who was paying until the check arrived. Was she a feminist or traditionalist?  Most men struggled with the notion of a women paying.  For some men, a women picking up the check was demoralizing.    For many years, my former wife would slip the money to me, my fragile ego wouldn’t allow her to pay in public.

The world has changed since Murphy Brown went off the air in 1998.  The internet and social media looms large in this new age.  However what hasn’t change  is who picks up the check on a date, especially the first date?

As in the eighties, there seemed to be more traditionalist then feminists who believed the man should always pick up the check.  It didn’t matter who earned more,the man paid.

There are some traditionalists in the gay community who believes the person who initiates the date pays.  There are many young gay men and women online who have never experienced dating. Preferring to wait to be asked out.

Susan Johnson Taylor’s “The Etiquette of Paying for Dates Today” ( For US News Magazine)  Who should pick up the check on a first date?  In a 2014 poll, three quarters of respondents men and women, said men should pay for the first date.

Many men want to treat and provide.  Some women expect to pay, while others feel diminished or less special if they aren’t treated to the date.  Its a conundrum.

Much of this is generational.  Younger daters are more equitable, sharing the cost more or talking about who is paying for what’ says psychotherapist Tina Tessina.  ” Older daters are more traditional , with the man paying more often, although even older women are likely to offer to pay then traditionally”

Those in the gay dating scenes don’t struggle as much with these concerns.  “Since there is less gender-enforced  expectation for one or the other to pay, gay and lesbian daters tend to share the responsibility by either splitting the check or by both at least offering to pay”. says Trish McMermott, dating adviser at LGBT online dating site OneGoodLove.com

Keep early dates low-key. Suggesting low-cost activities such as outdoor concerts or festivals for a first date relieves financial pressure, especially on guys who might be concerned about making less than their date or may not have the means for a lavish night on the town. “Some of the best first dates are the most simple, low-cost activities,” say Brenden Dilley, a Phoenix-based life coach. “If a man or woman suggests one of these, don’t take it as the other person being cheap or not taking you seriously – perhaps they just want an opportunity to spend more quality time with you and decide if there is a match.”

 Offering to pay shows good manners.  Instead of the “fake purse or wallet  grab,”  the other party  should ask, “May I help?” Now the ball is in the other person’s court. “He can say, ‘Oh no, I got this,'”  “Or, ‘Yeah, please get the tip. It’s $15.’ Or, ‘Your half is $30.'”

___________________________________

CityFella

My first dates take place at a coffee house.  It can be a long evening once you’ve learned your not a match. Especially, before they’ve served the salad.    I order a small coffee, with an option for a second cup or dessert if there is a connection.  Half the time I pay for the coffee.    Thank you’s is crucial afterward, or in a text or preferably a voice call .  Even when the date isn’t successful, I call my date and thank them.

_________________________________

After the first date (from Match.com) If you’re not comfortable with forking out, sensible dating advice would be to suggest that you pay half each once the first date is out of the way. If things are going well and you are both enjoying each other’s company, you may even find that your date pays for some elements of the date (such as entry tickets to a show or exhibition) whilst you pay for the drinks or food.

After the fourth or fifth date, you should be comfortable enough to take it in turns to pay for each date. Don’t worry about being the first to bring it up; he or she will be flattered that you’re keen to plan for future dates with her. Setting the tone for a happy, well balanced relationship early on is sound advice for successful dating.

Finally, if you’re still not sure about who should pay, here’s some final advice to prevent any potential dating faux-pas:

• In the initial stages of dating, try not to splash the cash too much as you’ll look too eager to impress and might give a false impression of your day to day lifestyle and what you can afford. Remember that charm and charisma go a long way and are far more important than the size of your bank balance.

• To avoid awkwardness, choose dates which don’t cost too much until you have an idea of each other’s financial limitations.

• Don’t talk too much about money in the initial dating stages. Our advice is to be subtle about this topic so you don’t come across as money obsessed!

• Remember on most outting your date will be looking for a genuine connection rather than at how much you earn. If money becomes a genuine problem on a date you should think about moving on to greener dating pastures.

______________________________

 Final Words From CityFella
If you waiting to be asked out, stop.   A cup of coffee is a cup of coffee.  Having a cup of coffee with a potential friend or partner beats being alone in front of a computer.  Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment.  If your not a match its not a failure, you were simply not a match.  The success is leaving your comfort zone.
A sign of the times.  Many individuals have become prisoners of their PC’s, they have become fearful of the real world fearing rejection.  The reality is most people still meet people the old fashion way via social gatherings and referrals. The internet is a good source and just one place to meet people.
Its very difficult for some to convert online relationships into actual dates.  Here are a few tips.   If your looking to date, remove all sex from the conversation.  Get a feel if he or she are actually wants to meet.  If there a lot of hesitation or questions about after the date,there is more than a 80% they will flake.    Listen to their interest, are they looking forward to meeting you?
Once you’ve established a meeting time and location. Call a few days before the date to confirm.  Remember to listen..  Call  the day of.  Tell them your on your way and tell them your looking forward to meeting them,  and once again listen.    Bring a book, or your smartphone.   When they arrive, put down your book and turn off your smartphone and give an upbeat summary of who you are.  Full disclosure is overrated and overwhelming on the first date.    Carefully, listen to your date. DO NOT ASK WHY THEIR SINGLE AND ABOUT PAST RELATIONSHIPS.  Keep it light and breezy.
If your date flakes…..Stay, don’t leave, you didn’t fail. Order a dessert, look around.  The next date just may be in that Starbucks.  Read your book or turn on your smartphone.  Look around, enjoy your victory.  Don’t call the flake, no need to tell him or her off, its not worth your time because they weren’t worthy of you.    If you see someone who catches your eye and they are near.  Rave about your dessert, ask them if they’ve tried it.  If you not comfortable on this visit, you may the next.   On this day ,congratulate yourself, you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone.

 

What It’s Like To Love A Gay Man Who Isn’t Out (And Tells His Pals I’m A WOMAN)


dating someone who is not out of the closet

He told his friends my name was “Ashley.”

Ten years ago, I met the second love of my life. I say “second” because there have been three loves of my life. He wasn’t the first, he wasn’t the last, but he was the most influential. I don’t mean that to downplay the importance of the other two. However, he was the one I was with the longest and he was the one that I learned the most from. For the sake of his privacy, we’ll call him L.

I met L on a hookup website. This was not the kind of website that you go to find a partner; this was a place to meet someone, satisfy your needs fairly instantly, and then move on about your life. If you were lucky, you might land a friend with benefits, but it was mostly for one-night stands.

I saw his picture and was immediately into him. I instantly messaged him and anxiously awaited his response. He finally messaged me back and we ended up talking for 4 hours.

Click the Link for the Rest of the Story

http://www.yourtango.com/2017302481/what-its-like-dating-someone-not-out-of-closet

Take a Stand on Your Grindr Profile


Grindr Op Ed Via Deuchebags Of Grindr

Discrimination runs rampant on the most popular gay hookup app. Writer Lenny Gerard informs fellow users he won’t accept stereotyping and wants you to do the same.

By: Lenny Gerard/The Advocate

In my time spent on Grindr, I’ve seen about one in five profiles include lines like “no fatties, no fems, no Asians, no Blacks/Latinos, white only.” Willful ignorance and the normalization of it further spreads the notion that it is OK to be intolerant and hurtful.

I often find that people on Grindr have discriminatory beliefs about their personal, romantic, and sexual preferences. People think it’s OK to discriminate when it comes down to whom they spend their time with (dating or “smashing”). They say it’s merely a preference, but enforced separation of racial groups and communities on the app is simply segregation.

 

Click The Link Below For The Rest of The Story

http://www.advocate.com/race/2017/5/09/take-stand-your-grindr-profile