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Acceptance: the apology


Image result for sad looking man

Apology 

(Merriam-Webster)

 An admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret (a public apology)

something that is said or written to defend something that other people criticize : defense   The book is an apology for capitalism

informal : a poor substitute or example : makeshift He’s a poor apology for a father.

 

Why do people apologize? (What are the benefits?) 

To relieve their conscious,  closure, guilt.? .. 

Some researchers believe, It strengthens community and reduces interpersonal violence.  It raisers self worth.  Some people believe the apology is freeing, relieving them of a burden.

The flip side, some view the apology as a sign of weakness.   Some people, especially children feel vulnerable and are often unwilling to apologize.   People who have a low sense of self-worth have trouble apologizing in the service of these greater goods

Acceptance 

Many people believe once you have un burdened yourself of this secret, confessed, admitted you were wrong acceptance is immediate.

The reality is in most situations it isn’t.  Even with an initial early acceptance, the  acceptance might be rescinded.  The individual or individual  may need time to process the apology.

Infidelity, theft, violence, deception or a simple lie may take time. and its very possible acceptance may never take place.

If the person making the apology, apologized expecting immediate absolution, then the apology may be insincere.     For many people  acceptance requires trust and trust takes time.   How much time depends on the individual.  It could be hours, days, months or even years until your able to rebuild that trust.     If your a serial apologize , any future apologies may fall on deaf ears as your credibility is questioned.

Things that can affect acceptance is tone, and attitude.

“I said I WAS sorry!”

“I told you I was sorry!

“I apologized what more do you want”

Can delay acceptance

Do not set a timer.

Sincerely apologize and wait!

 

 

CityFella

(ask the Rodfather on Facebook)

 

 

 

 

 

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The World of Me!


You gotta love people who believe THEY are the most important people in the world.

They purposely cut you off on the roadways.   They appear in the express lane in the supermarket with 200 items.  They demand immediate attention, the line is for pedestrians.

When I travel, I’m usually the last one on the plane and the last one off.    Being last, usually mean I simply walk to my seat, most people are settled in, no waiting for people to stow there belonging.   I normally sit in the aisle seat near the end of plane.

One evening in Portland, I wasn’t the last passenger.  There was a lady, demanding the plane wait for her friend’s WHO were waiting for pizza.    The young woman at the counter said the flight to Sacramento was full and they were going to close the door.  NO! she shouted,  your not full, were not on, so you’ll have to wait!  They should be coming now!

Well, Hell, this is much better than the Housewives or any of the Reality shows. I wanted to see how this was going to end.    However, to see the end, would mean I would miss my flight.  So, I faked a slow limp.  DAMM!     On board, I strained my neck to see if the lady and her friends made it on the plane.        Ding, (the seat belt sign came on) as the plane was being pushed backward.   Guess they will enjoy their pizza at PDX!

What is it about those individuals, who has Chutzpah, to cut in line, push others and simply disregard all others and feel there actions are justified.

Turning the other cheek

Were human, sometime you can swallow and say to yourself, let it go, it isn’t worth it.  Then  there is that one time that your not feeling particularly Christian.  No fucking way!  Not Today!

Philadelphia:   I’m on my second leg of three legs to Sacramento.  A man enters the cabin, he’s not flight staff, he’s another passenger.  He opens the  overhead above my seat and begins to relocated the belongings of other passengers items to other bins.  I can’t believe no one isn’t saying anything.  In my head, I’m daring him to move my bag with my PC.   Sure enough, he takes my bag and I tell him to leave it where it is.   He said, he is gonna move it down.  You could feel the heat in my little section.   I told him, your going to fucking leave it where it is!  (This is unusual for me,  I’m not one for making scenes or swearing in public)  He angrily stared at me, as if!    In my head, I said to myself. you gonna end up seeing Jesus on this plane, ain’t nobody playin wit ju!      Somewhere during the flight, when the man went to the restroom, a man in the row behind me  tapped me and said, could you believe that guy, he moved MY stuff!    I’m thinking to myself, why didn’t YOU say anything.

 

Who are these people?  Did they Have indulgent parents?

One wonders, how were these people formed?  Did this form of narcissism begin as a child.  That one child who is throwing a tantrum because they don’t want to wait their turn and that indulgent parent who makes excuses and exceptions for their child’s poor behavior.    Is this the beginning, of  a skewed perception of the world that insists that their needs or demands comes before others, at any cost!

 

“We teach people how to treat us” 

One of my favorite movies is “Avalon”, directed by Barry Levinson.  It follows a Russian Jewish family as they slowly build a new life in  America.  Through the years the family immersed themselves in American culture.  Including Thanksgiving, one branch of the family is notoriously late. (not minutes,hour or so) not once ,but every time.  This was before (microwaves) and the very large family waits for the uncle and his familyto arrive before cutting the Turkey.  The children are hungry.   But they wait.  The apologies aren’t genuine.   After many years.  They start without them.   This action divides the once close family.  its very sad.    But….

We teach people how to treat us.   It is my theme.     I cant stand by and dine or travel with anyone who doesn’t  have any consideration for others.   I refuse to watch someone I know, berate another person , because he or she doesn’t want to don’t want to wait.  Those individuals don’t care if their friends are humiliated.  They simply want what they want!    When that happens, I quietly leave. No Drama, no scene’s or explanations.  I leave. All human beings deserve respect and if I should stay, I’m condoning bad behavior, it isn’t worth it…

 

CityFella

Daddy left Mommy for Tommy, or what to do when a parent comes out as gay


Coming out to the kids in the midst of a divorce can make a fraught process even more difficult

SUDI “RICK” KARATAs
Excerpted from “Rainbow Relatives: Real-World Stories and Advice on How to Talk to Kids about LGBTQ+ Families and Friends” by Sudi (“Rick”) Karatas. Copyright 2018 by Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

Just in time for Pride in June, “Rainbow Relatives: Real-World Stories and Advice on How to Talk to Kids About LGBTQ+ Families and Friends” (May 8, 2018) is a collection of intimate, real-life stories and advice about coming out to family members—parents to children, aunts and uncles to nieces and nephews, grandparents to grandchildren.

The concept for “Rainbow Relatives” was born when author Sudi “Rick” Karatas asked his sister if her children knew about his (their uncle’s) sexual orientation. She said they didn’t, as she hadn’t been sure how to approach the topic and wished there was a book she could read to help her have those conversations. So, Sudi wrote that book. He hopes Rainbow Relatives will make readers more accepting of all people and families, especially in the LGBTQ+ community.

 

I like to view things with a sense of humor (hence the title of this essay). However, it can be a serious family matter when one parent comes out as LGBTQ. The situation will often result in a divorce, which can be devastating for a child and can result in their conflicting feelings of anger, sadness, confusion, and self-blame.

During the early 1980s, when I was in high school, I remember watching a movie alone with the volume turned low because it was such a controversial subject for that time. The film was called “Making Love,” and it came out (pardon the pun) in 1982, starring Michael Ontkean, Harry Hamlin, and Kate Jackson. Ontkean plays Zach, who is married to Claire (Jackson). Zach is gone so much that Claire believes he is having an affair with another woman. When she confronts him, he admits his affair with his patient, Bart (Hamlin). Back then, many believed that playing a gay role hurt Hamlin’s career for years, whereas today such roles have actually bolstered many careers. In 2005, “Brokeback Mountain” won a number of awards and was nominated for best picture at the Oscars. In 2009, Sean Penn won the best actor Oscar for his performance of controversial gay rights activist Harvey Milk. In 2014, Jared Leto won the Oscar for best supporting actor for his compelling role as a transgender woman in the film “Dallas Buyers Club.”

However, while these movies certainly helped to bring the LGBTQ community into popular culture, they did not portray situations that directly involve kids. In 2011, “The Kids Are All Right” became one of the first movies to do so with its portrayal of a lesbian couple raising two children born from a surrogate father. The film won a Golden Globe for best picture and was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for best screenplay. Hopefully, this has opened the door for more film and television portrayals depicting the reality of children with LGBTQ parents and the common situations that result when one parent turns out to be gay.

When a Parent Comes Out

The following is an amusing story told to me by a friend: A man was married many years to a woman and together they had a daughter. When the daughter was almost grown, the man came out to his family, announcing he was gay. He wasn’t sure how the daughter was handling it until one day, as they were both taking a walk along the beach, two very attractive and muscular men were walking toward them, each carrying a surfboard. His daughter said, “Look, Dad, one for you, one for me.”

The father was relieved, seeing how comfortable his daughter was with his sexuality. So he joked, “Okay, I’ll take the blond.”

Embarrassed and turning red, the daughter said, “I was talking about the surfboards.”

I spoke with and surveyed a number of other people who had been married and had children when one spouse came out. Hopefully, some of the following stories will help those who are in similar situations, and they will be comforted to know they are not alone.

Honesty is the Best Policy

After fifteen years of marriage, Anna and her husband sat down together with the kids and told them about her husband’s sexual orientation. The kids were fourteen, twelve, and eight years old. They were sad and surprised, but they were relieved to know there was a valid reason as to why their parents had separated. Prior to that, no one could understand why this had happened because they’d always had a good relationship together.

“My advice to others going through this is to be honest with everyone involved and tell people as soon as you are comfortable,” Anna said. “If you do it too soon, you may wind up hurting yourself and the people around you, especially the children. My kids did not want anyone else to know because they studied in the same schools as their cousins. I couldn’t tell any of our relatives because children can be cruel at school. I would have liked to tell people sooner but my kids would have been hurt.”

Hide That Gay Porn

After a year of being separated from his wife of twenty years, Fred’s sons were visiting him from Texas. At that time, they were thirteen and fifteen years old. He had told his wife he was gay, though he’d never acted on it, and they had decided to separate. However, they had decided not to tell the kids the reason until it came up during his sons’ visit.

While his sons were visiting, his fifteen-year-old left the room to take a shower when his thirteen-year-old asked him, “Are you gay?” Taken aback, Fred asked, “Why do you ask?” His son said, “Well, you used to watch both straight porn and gay porn on the internet and now you only watch gay porn.”

The fact that his thirteen-year-old knew how to find the porn that he thought he had hidden so well was a little scary. (Kids today are very computer savvy, if you haven’t noticed.)

“My son was actually okay with it,” Fred said. “I told my other son a couple weeks later and he laughed at first—he thought it was a big joke. Once he knew it wasn’t, he was okay with it, too, until they got back to Texas and their religious school. Then they told me I was an embarrassment because everyone gave them a hard time about it. Today they are both adults and fine with it.”

Dealing with a Bitter Spouse

Sometimes when one parent comes out, their spouse resents it and causes a rift or even sabotages the relationship between the gay parent and child. This may make it difficult for the child to understand and accept their gay parent, but it doesn’t make it impossible. Take Waylon’s experience, for example.

Waylon was divorced, and his ex-wife did not take his being gay very well at all. Waylon’s daughter lived with his ex-wife and her new husband while Waylon provided financial support for his daughter but lived in another state. The relationship was strained for a long time because of the negative things his ex-wife would say about him and his sexual orientation. The daughter also didn’t know that other family members had accepted her father for who he was. When Waylon’s daughter was sixteen, she finally visited her dad and his partner, Willie. Not surprisingly, it was a little awkward at first, but he assured her that their relationship wouldn’t change. He asked her if she’d get to know Willie, since he was important to him.

She asked questions about their relationship—how long they’d been together, how the relationship was going in general—and she also had her own private conversation with Willie and asked him questions as well. She was able to see that her father’s relationship with Willie was no different from other relationships, and by the end of the day, she had even given Willie a hug.

However, once she returned home to her mom and stepdad, the situation became more difficult. Waylon soon got a call from his furious ex-wife, Maybelle. “How dare you introduce my daughter to this lifestyle!” She continued to flood him with homophobic voice mails, emails, and even threats. Maybelle never did come around; in fact, she tried to poison her daughter against her ex-husband with lies about him and used parental alienation to prevent her daughter from seeing her father. The daughter was finally told the truth, and the relationship between Waylon and his daughter (who recently came out as gay herself) is now healthy and strong.

I think it’s good that Waylon showed his daughter that he and Willie have a nice, loving relationship that offset the negative things his ex had said. Setting a good example is important. I think when one spouse (in this case, the mother) has resentment toward a divorced spouse, it causes a lot of harm to a child, and if any adult finds themselves pitting the child against the other parent in situations like these, they should, of course, do their best to stop.

When the Kids Don’t Take the News So Well

Pablo’s son was ten and his daughter was seven when he came out to them. Pablo had decided to tell them because he thought his ex-wife was about to out him. He later told his kids that he needed to tell them because he didn’t want them to find out from a third person. He started by saying to them, “I’ve got something important to tell you.” But then he couldn’t continue.

The three of them sat in awkward silence until his son finally said, “What are you going to tell us? That you’re gay?” Pablo was surprised but relieved. “Yes, that’s why your mom and I separated.” He then told them, “I am still your father, nothing changes, and I still love you the same way.”

Then, both kids started crying. The boy seemed to take it harder than his sister, throwing a puzzle across the room in apparent anger. The crying lasted about fifteen minutes or so, and then later the son suddenly said to him, “Daddy, I’m sorry for those comments and jokes I’ve said about fags before. Don’t take them personally, but I am still going to make them.” It was the boy’s way of trying to use a little humor to break the tension.

Pablo said this didn’t bother him too much because if his son felt free enough to make a joke at this time, he felt his son was partly okay with it. Pablo said he also understood the “macho thing” boys have and his reaction was fairly normal.

His son asked, “Did you ever love Mommy?”

He said, “Of course.” But although the conversation seemed to have resolved things at the time, Pablo told me that his kids didn’t believe that he was born gay for quite a while, and today his son is still not 100 percent okay with it, but their relationship is okay. The daughter is much better with it.

I think the takeaway here is even if you fear the kids won’t be okay with this news, it’s still better to be open and honest and give them time to adjust to it.

What the Therapist Says: Divorce + Gay Parent = Added Shame

As part of my research, I also spoke with therapist David Giella. He provided some very straightforward insight into what children of gay parents go through in these situations. “In any divorce where, let’s say, the father has an affair, the child may feel the following: ‘You misled Mommy; you made Mommy cry; you had an affair; you have screwed up my life because of something you did; I’m scared and mad at you.’ When the father has an affair with another man, it’s mostly the same feelings, except now the child has to deal with having a parent who is gay, and there may be some shame with this, whether there should be or not,” Giella said.

I think what Dr. Giella said is important because parents should be aware a divorce may be a little harder for kids to deal with when it’s because one parent is gay. It’s an additional change and something else to adjust to in their lives; it’s not as simple as their parents not being together anymore.

SUDI “RICK” KARATAS

Sudi now lives in California but grew up in Syosset Long Island.  He is the cowriter of the feature film “Walk a Mile In My Pradas” (starring Tom Arnold, Dee Wallace, and Bruce Vilanch) and the upcoming “Charlie’s Dream,” an inspirational family film. He also writes songs, sketches, loves writing everything except checks. For more info on the author visit his website at www.rickkaratas.com

MORE FROM SUDI “RICK” KARATAS

These Worst First Date Stories Are So Damn Awkward


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By: Korin Miller/Mens Health

Uh, can we not talk about your ex the whole time?

“I can’t wait to go on another first date!” said pretty much no one, ever.

While first dates give you a great chance to get to know someone new, trying to cram the basics of your life into a few hours while getting the 411 on someone else can be stressful as hell.

Of course, some first dates turn into meaningful relationships (it helps when you follow the 5 best first date tips). But it sure can feels like you have to go through some real, uh, winners before that happens. Just remember you’re not alone in this seemingly endless struggle to find an eligible human.

For some reassurance, people on Reddit are spilling details about their absolute worst first dates ever and we are so here for it. Read on, and rest assured.

 

The Relationship Interview That Masqueraded as a First Date

When @KatetheGreat22 went on a first date, she probably wasn’t expecting the crappy experience that unfolded. Instead of actually acting like a normal person, her date treated her like she was applying for a job…as his girlfriend.

Literally we sat across from each other at a table at a coffee shop. He did not order a drink, and he fired questions at me like it was a job interview. Then he ended the date after a half hour. But he texted me later wanting to see me again. I guess I made it to the second round of interviewing?

The Girl Who Just Wanted to Freeload

Sure, there are some things you want to know about your potential partner upfront, but one girl made it very clear to @LikeAstonEdMonkey that she was just looking for someone to take care of her. Just a tip: Asking about someone’s credit score on a date is a really, really bad idea.

We met online and she was cute and charming online so I asked her out. Over dinner, I remember being asked what my job was, if I ever had been arrested, how was my credit, and how many “partners” I had in my life. She was angry that I didnt want to go out with her again and I ended up having to block her number. I know she found out that I made really good money and she was basically a gold digger looking to get married.

He looked hot and fresh on Growlr 

You can never be totally sure online.    His online pictures looked crisp and hot.  But what made him stand out to @Urbanbear916  was his intellect, he had more to say than most online.  They learned they had a lot in common, from vintage cars to Reality TV.

We talked online for about three weeks before agreeing to meet for coffee.     A man in a dingy blue shirt entered Starbucks and asked for a cup of water his body odor was strong I assumed he was one of the unfortunate homeless who lived downtown.   When he turned around it was HIM, everything about him was dirty, his clothes needed washing and his nails was filthy.  Under the dingy was a handsome man.  He wanted to talk, I wanted to escape, his odor was so sharp it burned.  We still talk and he wants to go out, but I can’t bring myself to tell him he stinks. 

 

The Guy Who Read Way Too Much Into Things

People can get so nervous on dates that they talk a lot, but asking the other person questions and actually interacting with them is what makes this whole thing a “date.” Apparently, @AmyLovesTheOrioles’ date didn’t get the memo.

The guy spent the entire time talking about himself and his accomplishments and never asked me a single question about myself. We finished our meal and I said that I had to go home. When I got home, he texted to see if I wanted to go out again. I declined. He then continued to text me long strings of insults because I didn’t love him. After the first [painful] date.

The Guy Who Was So Not Ready to Be Dating Again

Getting back out there after a breakup is tough. But it’s probably a good idea to make sure you’re over your last relationship before you try to start a new one. Apparently @MyCatsRock’s date wasn’t quite there yet.

He got drunk and cried about his ex gf that dumped him for some douche.

 

The Guy Who Thought ‘Date’ Meant ‘Free Advice’

Showing someone you’re interested in their career is important. Blatantly trying to use them for free labor — on a date — is pretty much the worst idea ever.

 I went on a date with a guy & in the middle of dinner, he asks me “you’re an accountant, right?” i say that i am. he pulls out a folder & says “this is my tax return from last year. would you mind taking a look at it? i want to know if the guy i paid prepared it properly.

The Guy Who Set the Bar Too High

When you make first date plans, it’s generally expected that you’ll stick with them — or at least clue your date in if things change. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen with @Chop117.

Told me we were going to go to this restaurant I really had been wanting to go to in our town. He said he would pay for the meal. The foodie in me was pretty excited to try this place I had never been to before. When we walked right past it I start questioning where this date was going. So we ended up at McDonalds. He ordered himself some food and promptly asked me if I wanted something, which of course I denied. Que the next 45 minutes of almost silence except for him chowing down on French fries.

The Recovering Alcoholic Who Seemed to Have a Test

Addiction is scary, and recovery is tough. But @OhSoEasy made it pretty clear that she would not have ordered a beer if she had known that her date was a recovering alcoholic. Instead, the date ended up being super awkward.

We met at a sit down Chinese restaurant. I ordered a beer. He pulled out a medallion he wore around his neck that was given to him from Alcoholics Anonymous. He told me he was in recovery. It was awkward after that and I couldn’t drink the beer in front of him. I never saw him again after that.

 

Wife catches husband having five-year ‘affair’ with prostitute, takes him back then charges £40 every time they have sex


The woman said she could accept it better if he’d “screwed a few here and there” (Image: Getty)
A wronged wife was forced to undergo a HIV test and was driven to self harm  after discovering her husband  of 30 YEARS had been having a five-year  affair  with one prostitute.

And after wringing the truth from her lawyer husband, the anonymous woman began charging her husband £40 every time they have sex – the same price he paid per session with the prostitute.

The woman is demanding codes of conduct are implicated at brothels masquerading under the guise of spas, to stop sex workers monopolising one punter.

She said had her husband “screwed a few here and there” she could accept it better.

“Why the same person?” she asked, when speaking to the Sunday Mercury.

“The fact that it was the same person, that really does bother me.

“That is the main betrayal.

“If he’d screwed a few here and there I could accept it better – it would still be devastating, but I could accept it better.”

The high-flying professional in her 50s, from the West Midlands, said her husband admitted his ‘affair’ with the prostitute began after he discovered poppers – a sex-enhancing drug.

The woman said her partner always slept with the same prostitute after discovering sex-enhancing drug poppers (Image: Getty Images)

And after finally discovering the truth, the humiliated wife had to undergo a HIV test.

To protect her children, the woman remains anonymous, but is referred to as ‘Sarah’.

“Thankfully, the test has been all clear,” sighs Sarah, speaking about the test.

“The nurse was looking at me and I said ‘This is not my fault’.

“She replied ‘I’m a nurse, I don’t judge’. I just repeated ‘This is not my fault’.”

From the outside, the pair’s marriage appeared solid, idyllic even.

Sarah was similarly content with her lot – until the shocking truth emerged last November.

The hard facts – and questions spawned by those facts – have tortured Sarah to the point of self-harm.

“It scares me that he could be so duplicitous,” she said.

“It’s awful to live with someone who has that much power over you.

“My mum said ‘I didn’t know he had it in him’. I’m no nearer to getting to the real truth.

“Why was it only her for five years? How many times did you meet?

“Did she undress you? Did you undress her?

“Was she in her slinky red or black underwear that you can buy for £2.99?”

Time and again, Sarah has mentally pieced together the scenarios. In her imagination, the meetings between her husband and the hooker darken with each passing day.

“I can imagine what she looks like,” Sarah says bitterly.

“Long, dark hair, brown eyes, she’s going to be very typical.

Escort
Sarah now charges her husband £40 every time they sleep together (Image: Getty)

“I have children, I am half-a-stone above my ideal weight, but I still look bloody good in a Liverpool shirt.”

“I know my worth,” she spits out defiantly.

“I know of all the women he could’ve chosen, I was the golden standard.

“A good woman is worth more than rubies, the Bible said, because she will keep herself just for him. I have invested so much in our marriage.”

Sarah first confronted her husband in 2013 after dialing a number on her husband’s phone and being put through to a Birmingham massage parlour.

“I confronted him, and he said he went there, but didn’t do anything,” says Sarah, shaking her head.

“Lies, lies, lies, but I believed him.”

Darker discoveries were to follow. In 2015, Sarah found a handful of poppers in an office drawer.

“I said ‘What are these?’” she says.

“He was literally crying. I said either you are gay or there is another woman.

The woman now charges her husband for sex – £40 a go, the same as he paid for the prostitute (Image: Getty)

“I saw those things disappear and return. He didn’t give any information.

“There was a number on his phone and it was the Romanian. I rang her and said ‘You are a prostitute, aren’t you?’ and got abuse.

“I said ‘Keep away from my husband!’ and deleted the number.”

Bruised and sickened, Sarah was prepared to forgive, if not forget.

But that number was again discovered on the phone late last year. This time, the cast-iron evidence drew a confession – and another call to the other woman.

“He said it was just the poppers, just the chemicals,” says Sarah.

“He just didn’t get it.

“I told her ‘He has to pay you. I do it for free, and I do it because I love him.”

Not anymore. In a show of strength, Sarah has told her husband that sex between the two of them now comes with a starting price of £40.

“I hate the girl,” she snaps angrily.

“I hate what she’s done, not just to me, but to anyone else. Is she aware, or does she care, that our world has fallen apart?

The wronged wife now wants brothels to have codes of conduct

Sarah says her husband has attempted to heal the wounds he’s caused, and knows he ricked everything for a cheap, if regular, thrill.

“His brain has blocked everything,” says Sarah. “He says he is not that person anymore. He says he’s fallen in love with me again.

“He spends more time with me. All I do is hurt him. It is unreal, totally unreal.

“I’ve told him I’m not prepared to take on his guilt – and I’m very good at dealing with other people’s rubbish. That’s what I do on a daily basis in my job.

“It is the lack of trust that’s left. I can’t trust him – and he is the one person I should be able to trust completely.

“If he goes out of the house, I feel anxious. He has done that to me and I’m supposed to be the most important person in his life, the person he should be able to trust implicity.

“Forgiveness is a sticky thing. Some people say you should forgive all of it and start again.

“The lesser part, I have forgiven, but the ramifications of the infidelity are so much greater.

“He denies he had a relationship – so what was it?”

Sarah has a simple message for those who believe their partners are unfaithful.

“You need to listen to that inner voice, it was certainly nagging me all the time,” she says.

She believes her story underlines the reason why more should be done to stem the steady stream of massage parlors offering extra services.

“I think the local authorities turn a blind eye,” she adds.
“How do we know who and what are in these places?  “There needs to be a department dedicated to ensuring these places are run properly.”

Portrait of a Hypocrite: An Outspoken Supporter of the #MeToo Movement failed to Protect her female aid from her male Chief of Staff


Image result for elizabeth esty

“For too long, the culture in Washington has accepted entirely unacceptable behavior,” . “That needs to change — period.” (Novemeber 2017) Elizabeth Esty

 

“You better fucking  reply to me or I will fucking kill you,” Tony Baker (Esty Chief of Staff) said in the May 5, 2016, recording left for Anna Kain, a former Esty aide Baker had once dated.

According to e-mail optained by the Washington Post, the Congresswomen found out about the episode within a week.  She also spoke to Kain on May 11, emails show; Kain said she provided detailed allegations that Baker had punched, berated and sexually harassed her in Esty’s Capitol Hill office throughout 2014, while she worked as Esty’s senior adviser.

Kain and Baker met in Esty’s office following her 2012 election. They dated casually in 2013 before being promoted to senior adviser and chief of staff, respectively, in early 2014.

Baker did not leave for three months. By his last day on Aug. 12, according to documents Esty provided to The Post, he and Esty had co-written a positive recommendation letter he could use in a job search and signed a legal document preventing her from disparaging him or discussing why he left. Baker went on to work for Sandy Hook Promise, the gun-control group created after the 2012 shooting in Esty’s district. He was dismissed from the group this week after The Post contacted him.

Tony Baker received five thousand dollars in severance pay.

According to Kain’s petition for a restraining order, Baker punched her in the back and “repeatedly screamed” at her in Esty’s office while threatening to retaliate professionally if she reported his behavior. She did not tell Esty or the House Ethics Committee out of fear for her safety, her petition stated.

Kain told The Post that she was so anxious about imperiling her boss’s chance of reelection that she removed her cellphone from the House’s WiFi network so that she could privately look up how to report misconduct to the Ethics Committee.

“I was 24 and doing a job that I believed in for an institution I was proud to be a part of,” Kain said Thursday in an interview. “But I was being severely abused and had nowhere to turn. Nobody talked about things like this. I was suffering and thought it was weakness.”

On May 5, 2016, Baker called Kain approximately 50 times and said he would “find her” and “kill her,” she alleged in the petition.

Ricci disputed that Baker punched Kain but did not challenge her other allegations. He said that Baker was too intoxicated at the time to remember leaving the message and that he offered to resign after Esty learned what had happened. The congresswoman said Baker never offered his resignation.

Baker was barred from working out of Esty’s Capitol Hill office starting on July 24, 2016, according to the separation agreement, which required Esty to serve as a reference in his job search outside of Washington. A draft letter of recommendation from Esty that was attached to the agreement praised his “considerable skills.”

Baker accompanied the congresswoman to the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia from July 25 to 28 before sending a departing email to colleagues on Aug. 12.

A spokeswoman for Sandy Hook Promise declined to comment on Baker’s departure this week.

In retrospect, Esty said she dealt with the situation poorly. She said she plans to reimburse the U.S. Treasury for what she described as the roughly $5,000 Baker received in severance. She also plans to improve how she runs her office.

“What I did was not good enough and it didn’t protect [my staff] enough,” Esty said Monday in an interview at her home in Cheshire, Conn. “ . . . I’m hopeful now with this conversation and this coming out that I’ll be able to be much more direct and help other people in Congress understand the risks they are placing their staff at when they don’t think they are.”

Esty said she plans to advocate for greater accountability in how congressional offices are managed.

 

Sex under the Capitol Dome: State Senator Tony Mendoza resigns


 

 

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The Me Too\We Said Enough movement is rocking the Golden Dome of California’s State Capitol. Last October a letter circulated by lobbyists, female lawmakers and legislative staff members and some political consultants cited a pervasive culture of harassment in the capitol.  Sexual harassment is common and sexual assaults have taken place in the Capitol.

While some staffers have come forward, many are still afraid to name to harassers as others experienced retaliation after filing formal complaints with the Legislature. 

Unlike state employees and your employer, legislative workers have no civil service protection.

Bills to provide them with whistle blower protection against retaliation has died in the Legislature four years in a row.

Under a new process instituted this year, the Assembly Rules Committee refers complaints deemed valid to an independent law firm — legislators say they believe that will speed the process of assisting victims.

Ten allegations of sexual harassment are pending before the Assembly, according to Speaker Anthony Rendon’s office.

A wave in the dome is in motion and slowly building strength.

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In November, Los Angeles Assemblyman Raul Bocanegra resigned after six women came forward with stories of aggressive attacks by Bocanegra dating back nearly 10 years.  In 2009, Bocanegra  had been disciplined by the Legislature following allegations that he had groped a fellow legislative staffer. In 2010, he forcibly kissed and groped a woman at the MIX Nightclub in Sacramento. http://www.latimes.com/politics/la-pol-ca-bocanegra-accusation-harassment-20171120-story.html

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A week later, Assemblyman Matt Dababneh representing Woodland Hills resigned. After Sacramento lobbyist Pamela Lopez came forward.   Lopez claimed in 2016, Democratic Assemblyman Matt Dababneh followed her into a bathroom in Las Vegas, masturbated in front of her and urged her to touch him.

Another woman, Jessica Yas Barker, alleged that Dababneh routinely spoke of his sexual exploits and made disparaging comments about women while she worked as his subordinate office from June 2009 until December 2010.  Dababneh said, both allegations are false.

In an interview Dababneh said,”My stepping down isn’t out of guilt or out of fear. It’s out of an idea that I think it’s time for me to move on to new opportunities”

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Allegations are growing for Assemblywoman Cristina Garcia from Bell Gardens.  Garcia is one of the faces of the #MeToo movement in government.  Garcia, who is currently on a voluntary unpaid leave of absence as the Assembly investigate the charges.

In 2014, Daniel Fierro told POLITICO as a 25-year-old staffer to Assemblyman Ian Calderon, he was groped by Garcia. He said she cornered him alone after the annual Assembly softball game in Sacramento as he attempted to clean up the dugout. Fierro, who said Garcia appeared inebriated, said she began stroking his back, then squeezed his buttocks and attempted to touch his crotch before he extricated himself and quickly left.

Fierro is not the only one claiming improper advances by Garcia. A prominent Sacramento lobbyist says she also accosted him in May 2017, when she cornered him, made a graphic sexual proposal, and tried to grab his crotch at a political fundraiser. He spoke to POLITICO on the condition of anonymity out of fear of reprisals.

The lobbyist, who represents a major industry association, said that Garcia appeared to have been drinking heavily at a fundraiser hosted by Governor Jerry Brown for state Senator Josh Newman at the de Veres bar in Sacramento. He said he was heading out the door in part to avoid the assemblywoman — who had been increasingly “flirtatious” and had called him on a few occasions before for late night drinks which he repeatedly declined.  She spotted him and said,“Where are you going?” the lobbyist said.

“She came back and was whispering real close and I could smell the booze and see she was pretty far gone,’’ he said. “She looked at me for a second and said, “I’ve set a goal for myself to fuck you.”

At that point, Garcia “stepped in front of me and reaches out and is grabbing for my crotch,’’ he said. That was “the line in the sand,” according to the lobbyist, and he stopped her. “I was four inches from her, eyeball to eyeball — and I said, ‘That ain’t gonna happen.’”

But his account of the groping incident was corroborated by another high profile political operative in Sacramento, who declined to be named for publication. She said at the time the lobbyist was both angered and “humiliated” by the encounter, and disturbed that his sexual rejection of Garcia could have implications for his industry.

Both she — and the lobbyist — believe it may already have.

The Cristina Garcia sexual-harassment scandal expanded when J. David Kernick then a field representative to Garcia,  engaged in a night of heavy drinking and urged about a half-dozen staffers to play spin the bottle, the game in which players end up kissing.

Garcia “was seemingly not critical of [Kernick’s] work until after he questioned the appropriateness of her suggestion that after a fundraiser at a whiskey bar that [he] sit on the floor of her hotel room and play spin the bottle,”

In  his complaint to the State Fair Housing and Employment. Kernick said that after “protesting this sexual harassment,” he was written up for insubordination and fired. Kernick said the write-up prevented him from finding another job in politics.

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Yesterday, Democratic State Senator Tony Mendoza representing Los Angeles resigned hours before a possible vote to expel him .

Senator Mendoza’s has denied the accusations made by six women and said the investigation was unfair, illegal and racially motivated.  He say’s he intends to sue.

The Attorneys conducting the investigation concluded that Senator Mendoza “more likely than not” engaged in behavior such as offering a 19-year-old intern alcohol in a hotel suite at a Democratic event, suggesting a young woman in a Senate fellowship take a vacation with him and rent a room in his house, and asking several women about their romantic lives.

The investigation found that Mendoza likely engaged in unwanted “flirtatious or sexually suggestive” behavior with six women, including four subordinates, a lobbyist and a young woman in a fellowship with another lawmaker.

He is the third California lawmaker to resign over sexual misconduct allegations since the #MeToo movement erupted nationally last fall, leading millions of women to share their experiences on social media.

The events surrounding the 46 year old married Senator sounds more like “Dynasty” than the Real Housewives.   

Three of Mendoza’s aids were fired after meeting with  the Senate Rules Committee staff and detailed allegations that Mendoza engaged in a pattern of inappropriate behavior with his district director Ava Perez.
Multiple sources told The Sacramento Bee that Mendoza,  invited the young woman back to his place to review resumes, including hers, on the night of a party at the Mix Nightclub Downtown. The woman, Ana Perez worked as a fellow in his office through a prestigious Sacramento State program that places graduates in legislative offices for 11 months
At least two of his aides complained about the way Mendoza’s district director, Perez treated them. One questioned why she was even working for the Senate given her felony record for lying to a grand jury to cover up campaign finance fraud in Commerce, sources said.
Mendoza has repeatedly denied firing the aids for complaining.  As for Perez and her criminal background, he believes in second chances.  As for the outstead aids, they are silenced by confidentially agreements.  Its not uncommon for aids to sign such agreements.

I’m leaving, but not QUIETLY!

In a Richard Nixon-esk exit.   Mendoza went after the leader of the Senate and former roomate  Kevin de Leon in his resignation letter.

“Its clean that de Leon will not rest until he has my head on a platter to convince the MeeToo movement of his sincerity in supporting the cause.

He wrote, that he wasn’t able to see the evidence against him and was ordered to remain silent about the allegations. He said he couldn’t get a fair hearing with so many of his fellow Democrats running for higher office and thinking about their own political futures.   He called the Senate’s process farcical and  “more likely than not” was a low standard of proof that didn’t merit a penalty as high as expulsion.
He said, he might run for his seat in the fall

 

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Hear the stories, plan your defense,see the letter Click on the link below

 https://www.wesaidenough.com/home

 

 

 

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