The Bump


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“Ask The Rodfather”

The best friendships/relationships hit a bump now and then. In short time that bump get larger and instead of looking for a solution or a cure we pick at the bump, it which builds anger and resentment.
Silence is the enemy
Left on its own, the bump becomes infected. No one wants to be the first to reach out. No one wants to talk about the bump which is front and center in their lives. Over time silence overwhelms the relationship and the infected bump has left a scar.
We can prevent this from happening
Putting ego aside, break the silence. Leave a message that says I miss your voice. You can always talk about the bump later. The most important thing is to re-establish contact. As long term silence can destroy the strongest long term relationships. Can we meet or go for……….
Bumps happens over time. They often occur when one or both parties are uncomfortable telling their truth. They sometimes fear they will be misunderstood or rejected. So they hold on to it until a bump appears.
Remember the things you love and cherish about the your friend or partner. Make an effort to spend time together. Just the two of You. Over time some people forget about the bump. However, if the bump is still present. Write about the bump. Give a copy to your friend and realize everything won’t be resolved today. It will take time. Today you have your friend or partner.
Ask The Rodfather is an Common Sense Advisor  he can be found on facebook
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If He Says Any Of These 5 Things, He’s Probably Lying To You


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Photo: Google

 

By: Jack Schafer Ph.D/ Psycology Today

Common responses that should not be ignored.

Detecting deception using verbal cues remains a difficult task. The best method to predict deception compares what a person says against external evidence or known truth. At best, certain statements can indicate a higher probability of deception, but there’s no one verbal cue that accurately predicts deception.

However, certain words or groups of words can signal an area in an utterance wherein deception is likely to occur. If the conversation is important, knowing where potential deception resides can provide a distinct advantage, in business or social interactions.

The following five statements are signs someone is lying to you and should raise your red flag of deception:

1. “That’s about it.”

The word “about” is a word qualifier, which indicates the speaker has more to say but does not want to elaborate. If the speaker told the entire story, his or her response would be, “That’s it.” The word “about” signals that the response falls short of the entire story. Truthful people relate all the facts without fear of legal or social consequences. A deceptive person does not tell the complete story because there’s something they don’t want to disclose.

2. “You can’t prove that.”

The word “prove” suggests that evidence exists to verify the supposition or accusation posited, but the speaker failed to discover the hidden proof. Honest people do not think in terms of proof: They know that no evidence exists because they did not do what the speaker accused. Deceptive people know proof of their deception exists but the speaker has not yet discovered sufficient evidence to support the accusation.

3. “Why would I do that?”

Answering a question with a question is a huge red flag indicating the possibility of deception. Honest people make direct denials. They typically respond, “I didn’t do that.” Deceptive people are evasive, and when they are caught off guard, they need extra time to think of a believable response. A response like, “Why would I do that?” buys the deceptive person precious time to formulate such a response.

4. “Are you accusing me?”

In addition to answering a question with a question, the accused may subtly try to turn the tables on his or her accuser, putting the questioner on the defensive. The unspoken words of the accused are, “How dare you accuse me? Prepare to defend yourself.” This subtle counterattack prompts the accuser to justify his or her accusations. In doing so, the accused buys time to press a counterattack or prepare a believable story. The simple answer to this question: “Yes, I am accusing you, or I would not have brought the topic up in the first place.” This response parries the counterattack and puts the accused back on the defensive.

5. “I don’t remember doing that.”

Deceptive people often claim lack of memory as a way to cover the truth. This defense sets two traps for dissemblers:

First, in order to not remember what you did, you must first have an extant memory of the event. By definition, to not remember something you must have initially stored the information in your memory. The lack of memory indicates that the memory is stored in the brain but that the person cannot retrieve it. Truthful people typically respond, “I don’t know.” Lack of memory suggests the person cannot retrieve a memory and, therefore, does not know what happened. Honest people strive to do anything they can to retrieve the memory of an event. Deceptive people do not want to reveal remembered information for fear of revealing the truth.

The second trap is similar. A person cannot say, “I don’t remember doing that,” unless the person remembers what he or she actually did. The word “that” suggests the person did not remember doing a specific set of actions. In order to say, “I didn’t do that,” the person has to know what he or she did do. Logically, how can a person say he or she does not remember doing something when they have no memory of the event? The word “that” suggests memory of an event.

The questioner’s response to this gambit should be, “What do you remember doing?” Honest people will tell you what they remember doing, to support their alibi. Dishonest people usually cling to the lack of memory by saying, “I don’t know what I did.” Here the questioner’s response should be, “If you don’t know what you did, it is possible that you did exactly what I described.” Deceptive people make no attempt to retrieve a memory of an action for fear of revealing the truth.

Jack Schafer, Ph.D., is a behavioral analyst for the FBI and the author of The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over. Read more of his work on Psychology Today.