By: Rebecca Jane Stokes/Your Tango.com
They didn’t hold anything back.
I am a fat woman.
I am friends with other fat women..
None of us have a hard time getting dates, finding love, or sex, whatever it is we happen to be looking for.
But while that’s true, all of the fat women in my life have at least one story of me explaining to them that they could never date because of her fatness.
It’s never easy to be rejected for any reason, but fat women get used to it in their interactions with men sadly because it seems to be more socially acceptable to express disgust with fat than it is express other complaints about a person’s physical appearance.
In our culture, people are taught, unfortunately, that being fat is bad.
It isn’t bad at all. A fat person is just as worthy of love, respect, and kindness as any other person.
I’ve always wanted to know what goes on inside the heads of men who refuse to date a woman just because she is fat.
On the one hand, as a sex writer, I understand that people are attracted to different things, so I wanted to keep an open mind.
With that in mind, I asked a group of anonymous men who refuse to date fat women to try and explain their feelings to me.
I knew that there was science to support the fact that men love a woman with a tummy, but I wanted to hear from the other side.
And, just to be clear, the views of these men are not my views — or necessarily the views of YourTango.
Now that we got that way-too-technical disclaimer out of the way…
Here’s what they had to say:
Why don’t you date fat women?
- “Fat is subjective. Thick is not fat. Much like how women do not want to date a man shorter than them, men don’t want to date women who weigh more than them.”
- “I grew up fat, and work extremely hard to maintain a healthy weight. I know firsthand how being fat wreaks havoc on your self-esteem and social presence. I would also be concerned about having a partner putting herself at risk for a variety of weight-related complications, especially in the long-term.”
- “Folds of fat just aren’t attractive.”
- “Save for instances of diagnosable (and often treatable) problems with metabolism, a fat body is often a sign of disregard for one’s health. Mind and body are not two separate entities; they are linked. You can’t abuse your body and expect your mind to fire on all cylinders. A fat body can (but does not always) imply laziness, short-sightedness, and a kind of disregard for one’s holistic well-being.”
- “A woman who is fat clearly just doesn’t care about herself.”
- “Being fat can become a serious health problem.”
- “I’m skinny and dating a fat woman would look weird.”
- “Fat women can’t do as much as skinny women, and I’m pretty active.”
- “Living a healthy style is important to me. Fat women don’t lead healthy lives.”
- “Chubby can be cute. But fat is ugly.”
- “I’ve broken up with women who let themselves go. It’s my job to earn the money and it’s her job to look good for me and for herself.”
- “I can’t stand lazy people. If she can’t be bothered to exercise for thirty minutes, that to me is a sign of true laziness.”
I agree that you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, but I don’t think that gives you a right to be rude.
Online dating is rough enough without some guy responding to a message by saying “hit the gym and then we’ll talk” (totally true, totally happened to me.)
These answers reinforced what I already knew to be true:
We have to change the way we treat fat women.
End of story.