Clinging to the past

Posted on September 10, 2018 by CityFella

28 years ago “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” premiered on NBC. Starring, a 21 year old Willard Carroll Smith Jr (as Will)

Last week, I came across a video of Janet Hubert on Facebook. While most people know Will Smith, few people know Ms Hubert by her given name. However, she is known the world over as the original Aun’t Viv, she was 34 years old, when the show premiered.

M’s Hubert, was replaced by Daphne Maxwell Reid at the beginning of the fourth season. Rumors suggested Ms Hubert was difficult on the set of the sitcom, bumping heads with cast members and it’s star.

For the last 25 years years, Mr Hubert has been in a one person feud with Will Smith. She has blamed him for her inability to get work, her financial situation and her son’s attempted suicide.

In her July 16th (2018) you tube post, she directs the video directly at Mr Smith. In addition to Smith, she attacked Perez Hilton, the black community and called Bet and Vibe the nigger networks.

It’s clear she has been trolling the Smith family, wife Jada and their children. She wants a face to face meeting with Smith .While she does acknowledge, Mr Smith’s kind words about her, she want’s to talk to him about events that took place more than 25 years ago.

When I look at her other you tube posts, she quickly lashes out at anyone who questions her or disagrees with her. It appears she is angry with former cast mates reserving most of her ire at Will Smith and Alfonso Ribeiro who has been critical of her. From what I’ve seen, when ever she is on TV, Will Smith is front and center. She insists the cast members dislike each other. However, the cast seem to be in contact with each other and speak well of other cast mates. With one exception in 1993, where he told a Atlanta radio station she was fired, he has had nothing but positive words about his experience with Ms Hubert.

While Smith and family have gone on to live their lives, its seems Ms Hubert life is stalled in the past and its very clear that she is comfortable looking rearward. Every now and them the Smith’s are asked to respond to something Ms Hubert has said to the press and from what I can see both Jada and Will are gracious.

There are many Ms Hubert’s who despite their words find comfort in the past. Blaming an event, an individual or individuals, a parent or someone or something that prevents them from moving forward. With a well rehearsed story, so fresh it seemed it happened yesterday.

Many of these people need this narrative that was so damaging that they are unable to move forward.

For many of us, it is an excuse. Everyday people with challenging lives are fired, everyday someones heart is broken, we lose someone, and we are disappointed.

Hearts take time and isn’t a preset healing time. While some heart’s heal sooner that others, there are a few people who are so broken, they reject the healing process, they pick and reopen the wound to perhaps, keep the story fresh.

For some, the benefit of reliving the event is the sympathy it generates. Rarely does the narrator include a timestamp, when the event took place. In doing so, it reduces the impact of the story.

One wonders if these people are able to move on. Janet Hubert has spent 28 years angry. A lifetime.

CityFella

Are you being ‘GASLIGHTED’? The subtle red flags you’re being emotionally manipulated in the office, at home or in your relationship

Posted on June 11, 2018 by CityFella

GASLIGHTING, is a term to describe people who emotionally abuse others

They can distort your mind by planting seeds of self-doubt without you knowing

behavioral expert Grazina Fechner reveals the warning signs

By:Cindy Tran/Daily Mail Australia

To the outside world, they lead a seemingly happy life.But behind closed doors, they can deliberately distort your mind by planting seeds of self-doubt without you even knowing.

Related image

Meet ‘gaslighters’ – a term to describe people who emotionally abuse others with such conviction and confidence that the victim starts to feel uncertain themselves.

So given they can manipulate people so subtly, how easy can you spot one?

Here, Sydney‘s behavioural expert Grazina Fechner reveals the warning signs to help you identify whether you’re a victim of gaslighting.

Gaslighters is a term to describe people who emotionally abuse others with such conviction and confidence that the victim starts to feel uncertain themselves (stock image)

‘In the whole gaslighting arena, you generally think you’re going crazy. It’s the emotional abuse, thinking you’re going crazy and lack of control,’ she told The Morning Show.

‘There’s lots of different ways to spot a gaslighter – everything from you starting to doubt yourself, so straight away, you’re on the back foot all the time.

Image result for gaslighting gif

How to Spot A Gaslighter

Always Lying

Correcting Your Memory

Calls You Crazy

Plant seeds of self-doubt

There mistakes becomes yours

‘They’re always lying and they’re correcting your memory – so what will happen is, you’ll say “no, I didn’t do that” but they’ll say “yes, you did, that’s exactly what happened”. They’ll call you crazy, so often you’ll sit there and go “far out, maybe I am going crazy”.

And their mistakes often become yours. So when they’ve made the mistake, they’ll bring it back to you and say “you know what, that was all about you, nothing to do with me”.’

Describing their behaviour, Ms Fechner said gaslighers have a ‘fake little persona’.

Sydney’s behavioural expert Grazina Fechner (pictured) reveals the warning signs to help you identify whether you’re a victim of gaslighting

Behind closed doors, they can deliberately distort your mind by planting seeds of self-doubt without you even knowing (stock image)

‘So to the outside world, they live this glamorous life, and they are the perfect husband, the perfect father and the perfect employer,’ she explained.

‘They feed off drama, so they love drama. They have that “perfect” image, they rationalise everything, they always think they’re right, and they stay in control.’

‘When they can manipulate and when they can emotionally abuse, that means they have control over you… It’s in various situations and they are very good at doing it.’

And it’s not just couples who are suffering emotionally. Ms Fechner said employers can also gaslight by shifting the blame onto you after they made a mistake at work.

She said mother-in-laws or family members are also good at gaslighting – but when they are with their friends, they have a different persona because they know they don’t have control over them.

Condominium blues

Posted on March 5, 2018 by CityFella

If he doesn’t get his way, expect one outcome only.

By: Elaine Luti/The American in Italia

There’s a man in my condominium complex who has decided he’s the boss of the place. He expects everything he wants to go his way. What he doesn’t propose, he resists or undermines. He’s admittedly done a lot for the building, which might be regarded as helpful or controlling, depending on your viewpoint. He talks a lot and you’re likely to see him hanging around on the stairs, in the courtyard, in the immediate neighborhood. I have an irregular schedule, which means I can come and go several times a day, but I almost always run into him. His strategic lobbying, or lurking, gives him plenty of time to get to know everyone in the building, chat them up, make jokes, and get them to like him. At each condo meeting he comes armed with deleghe — proxies signed by residents to allow him to cast their vote.

Though I’m largely allergic to such meetings, I do make an effort to attend if major decisions loom. The man, naturally, is omnipresent. If things don’t go his way, he uses his booming basso voice to cow people into changing their minds. If he doesn’t get his way, he usually storms out.

I say he has hysterical attacks, which may sound odd since hysteria is usually associated with fluffy women who exaggerate distress to draw attention to themselves. It wreaks of high soprano voices, and perhaps a bit too much makeup.

The word hysterical derives from the Greek for uterus, “hystera,” an organ once thought to wander around and lodge in some part of the body causing what today would be called conversion symptoms. Personalities who responded to stress in a volatile way were called “hysterical.” They were seen as overly reactive, tending to exaggerate emotional expression in an effort to be seen and admired. The condition was once considered exclusive to women, but Freud was the first to propose that men were just as susceptible.

Despite my therapist vocation, I don’t often use diagnostic terms, and I certainly would never use one as a weapon (which happens all too often, even by people who should know better.) At the same time I admit to being strongly tempted to do so, particularly in the presence of a man who dismissively talks over women, yelling at them as if he’s the smart man who righteously refuses to recognize silly and hysterical female thinking.

It’s admittedly rare to call a man who expresses booming emotional opinions as “hysterical,” and yet that’s just what he is. Sadly, he often gets his way because loud-mouthed aggression is often considered authoritative. In this paradigm, foghorn macho is “good” while the needy expression of emotion is “bad” (if not stupid or flat-out pathological.) Yet they’re the same thing.

I have plenty of businesswomen as patients. Corporate work, medicine, law, even professional cooking all share a certain macho mentality. As my patients acquire self-confidence, many begin moving up the career ladder. That upward path frequently puts them at odds with old boys’ networks, and subtle or not-so-subtle efforts to put them down. I tell them to think of these critics – men but also women who have risen to top positions — as needy children of a sort. A needy child will use any means possible to get what it wants and needs. Adults turn to bullying, including loud voices and body language, to assert a similar kind of superiority (much like a dog). The best defense is to refuse intimidation and to deal with such posturing outside conventional “top dog” rules. Turn it on end and apply maternal sympathy. “Oh, poor boy, you can’t get your way? Let me know when you finish your hysterical fit.” If you’re lucky, the condo meeting disrupter will just storm out.

Women of Value

Posted on January 25, 2018 by CityFella

I arrived at the end of a fight in the parking lot of a discount store. The woman I was standing next to was a friend or a sister who was angry with the woman with the blood stain on her shoulder and the large hole in her top.

The friend or sister is standing with her arms folded angry, talking to herself. I cant believe it! she took off her job to fight this women or should I say all the women her man has fucked. It don’t make no sense!

For more than four decades, a wife lived across the street from the woman who was having an affair with her husband. To perhaps soften the blow. The wife held lavish parties inviting children, grand children and great grand children. There were glossy pictures all over their home. In public she often said, my husband, Peter did this for me. But everyone knew, all her friends and all the children knew of the affair. The wife knew where he was, whenever his car was in the driveway. He was with the love of his life.

As a male I have never understood why some women allow this form of treatment. Its clear the man she has chosen doesn’t respect or value her. But where is her self worth her value? Some women have told me the other woman is a safer target. Other’s believe there is an ownership and another women should respect the relationship. Some say its for the children, I struggle with this, because not only has he disrespected his wife, he has disrespected the entire family. They have less of him and the message to the children is this is normal behavior.

I knew of these women, as a teenager, I used to drive one of these women around in my car. She wasn’t looking for her cheating husband ,the man she took vows with. The goal was ultimate humiliation. She was willing to publicly humiliate herself and the other woman at place of employment. There wasn’t an end game, just humiliation as their was no guarantee that the planned event would end the affair. At one point, she took a lover, (you can’t beat um join um) after all he had been unfaithful for more than three years. When he learned she had a lover, he left the family. Not with the women he was having an affair with, but another women. It seems he was cheating on the side chick too.

You rarely find a male, fighting with another man over his cheating partner. Rarely see two men fighting in a Wal Mart parking lot over a cheating spouse.

______________________________________________________________

2017 was going to be different ,she told herself. She planned to pull out all the stops and produce more than anyone in the department. She WAS going to be noticed next year. She’s been with the company five years. She knows all of her male colleagues earn more than she does. Her salary review last year, went no where. She read books to help her be more assertive and convinced herself there were other companies willing to pay her more should her currently employer didn’t meet her wage demands.

From the moment the door opened her confidence disappeared. When they said, they where pleased with her work,she felt the tears. (Pleased?) What kinda shit is this? She thought to herself. She knew she produced more than everyone in her department and it wasn’t noticed. When they offered her a six percent raise she didn’t speak. She shook her head when the offered seven, because she thought they may change their minds. Weeks later she learned that one of her colleagues received a twelve percent raise. Humiliated, the next day she called in sick.

“We teach people how to treat us”

Men scream about their accomplishments, women whisper. A male employee may pound on desk, and argue why they deserve a raise .Some women are afraid. Like many women my friend hoped that she would be fairly judged based on her accomplishments and the quality of her work. She agreed to a 7% raise when she wanted a 15% raise. She wasn’t comfortable asking for what she wanted. She brought all the necessaries to the review, she had the stats, she knew what she brought to the company. But she was uncomfortable.saying it. So she took what she that was their final offer.

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A lifetime doesn’t change overnight. Women have told me they were raised to be second place. Their mothers, aunt’s have told them to do what ever it takes to make the marriage work . One day he will get tired of beating on you . If he cheats on your, just remember you have the paper.

Politics

It was important that black people get elected to office , to vote in major blocks, to have a seat at the table. Men are in control all most places in the world. It important they remain in control. Until the power is shared, womens issues will always come second.

Women, have been under attack for many years, because they do not have enough seats at the table to make a significant difference. Every year, more women are under attack, health care, reproductive rights, childcare and this will not change until there are more women voices, more places at the table and It doesn’t matter which party belong to.

Women of Value

The women in my life aren’t second to anyone. Sometimes in life we choose the wrong person, someone who isn’t worthy of our loyalty or devotion. Its not a critical error, it was a mistake . Hopefully we will learn and make better choices in the future.

I believe if you have committed yourself, you should do your absolute best to make it. If its broken try to fix it. Using your words, ask for what you want. Its unlikely you’ll get everything. Its a step forward in your relationship or your profession, its a victory.

These are my opinions, of course these do not apply to every man or everywomen. I’m not a psychologist, or sociologist. I am simply a dad ,brother, uncle, and a friend who wants a better world for his daughters, nieces and friends and their daughters. A world where they stand beside their male counterparts and not behind.

CityFella

Seven suprising Reasons Marriages Fail That No One Talks About

Posted on May 9, 2017 by CityFella

JEFFREY HAMILTON/GETTY IMAGES

According to recent University of Maryland divorce research, you’ve got about a 50/50 chance of growing old with your spouse. While that stat may not shock you, the reasons many couples decide to separate may.

“People assume that most marriages fail because of big bombs—cheating, financial mismanagement, addiction, dishonesty,” says Jessica Elizabeth Opert, a London-based relationship coach. “But the truth is, it’s the small missiles—the everyday action or lack of action—that severs the connection between two people, resulting in a loss of love.”

Here are seven common—yet totally overlooked marriage problems—that may be threatening your relationship, plus, expert advice to help you keep divorce out of your marriage.

A LACK OF EYE CONTACT

1/7 BORCHEE/GETTY IMAGES

“When you ask most people about how they knew their partner loved them, they will often say that it was the way that person looked at them,” explains Opert. Having conversations without looking up from the phone or TV can sever that intimate connection. It may even prevent the release of phenylethylamine, a chemical that triggers feelings of romantic love, Opert says.

Try this: Set aside times for tech-free bonding. Have a cell phone-free dinner without any television background noise or vow to keep cellphones out of the bedroom. (Here’s what happened when one Prevention writer stopped bringing her phone into the bedroom.

Not fighting over the dishes

2/7 PEOPLEIMAGES/GETTY IMAGES

Avoiding conflict, especially early in a marriage, leaves you lacking the skills to deal with tough situations down the road. “The trick is to develop communication and negotiation skills to solve problems without building resentment,” says Valerie Golden, PhD, a Minneapolis-based psychologist. “Sweeping things under the rug because you’re too afraid to raise the issues is a common recipe for disaster.”

MORE: 6 Fights Every Happy Couple Should Have

Try this: Fighting too little may threaten your relationship, but so do volatile blowups. Instead of pointing fingers, which can fuel anger and animosity, use “I statements” to explain how your husband’s actions make you feel when you’re upset. For example, don’t say something like, “You never listen to me when I ask you not to leave your dishes in the sink.” Instead, try something like, “I feel ignored and frustrated when you don’t listen to my requests to clean up after yourself.”

Dwindling passion and intimacy

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Do nearly all the conversations with your spouse involve practical matters, like whose turn it is to pick your daughter up at soccer practice or what you need at the grocery store? “When communication almost exclusively revolves around the kids or the house, that’s a bad sign,” warns Sarah Allen, PsyD, a Northbrook, Illinois-based psychologist. “I have counseled many women who describe their relationship with their spouse as being similar to that between roommates. The passion and the intimacy have gone.”

Try this: Make it a point to ask your husband about his day. It may sound cliché, but having this conversation every night can really improve your relationship, says Angela Hicks, PhD, a Utah-based psychologist. She’s found that couples who discuss recent positive events with each other have increased feelings of connection to their partners.

Social media addiction

4/7 BOMBUSCREATIVE/GETTY IMAGES

Social media is a growing factor in divorce, says Sonya Bruner, PsyD, a psychologist practicing in California. In some cases, it’s the time-sucking element—constantly giving into notifications from friends eats into the time you could be doing something with your spouse.

Social media also gives a distorted view of marriage. With so many posts showing “perfect” couples, people can set unrealistic expectations for their own relationships. And perhaps the most dangerous: “Facebook makes it easier to connect with past flings,” Bruner says.

Try this: If you feel like Facebook and Instagram are taking away from your time with your partner, tell him how you feel and see if he’d agree to delete the apps from his phone if you do the same. This way, you can each still log on when the mood strikes, but you’ll be far less likely to mindlessly scroll the second there’s a lull in the conversation. (Not sure you’ll be able to break free of your social media habit? These tips can help!)

A case of wanderlust

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Drifting apart after retirement is increasingly common; in fact, the divorce rate for couples over 50 has more than doubled in the last two decades. When some people retire, they want to do things and go places they’ve always dreamed of, while their spouse may prefer to maintain the status quo, says Gloria Dunn-Violin, author of Revivement: Having a Life After Making a Living. “The resulting battle of wills can lead to an unexpected divorce.”

Try this: Try to compromise. It’s normal for couples to have different ideas about retirement. If you’ve always dreamed of moving to Italy to retire and your husband would rather stay in the states, see if he’d be willing to compromise and live abroad for a few months of the year. (Maybe some of these 30 spectacular island homes from around the world can help get him on board with the idea!)

A loss of individuality

6/7 STRAWBERRY MOOD PHOTOGRAPHY/GETTY IMAGES

Giving up too much of yourself for your spouse is a silent relationship killer. “Couples who spend a lot of time together—to the detriment of their individual interests—can have as many or even more relationship issues as couples who hardly see each other,” Bruner points out. When emotional boundaries are so unclear that one spouse has a hard time functioning without the other, psychologists call this “enmeshment.” Spouses don’t often recognize the extreme attachment, but if your happiness or self-esteem is contingent upon your marriage, you may be in an enmeshed relationship. Another telltale sign is when one partner always refers to him or herself as “we” instead of “I.”

Try this: Being aware that you’ve each lost your individuality is the first step toward rediscovering it. Both you and your spouse should try to find something to do on you own that brings you happiness—join a club, volunteer, or take a weekly class, for example.

Out-of-control kids

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You hear a lot about couples staying together for the sake of the kids. But having children can be a major cause of marital strife—and one that people feel uncomfortable talking about. “One couple I worked with hadn’t had sex in a year because their toddler insisted on sleeping in their bed,” says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a relationship therapist in New York City. “Another couple couldn’t even talk to each other during dinner because their child would jump on the sofa and scream for their attention.”

Try this: Lay down the law. Many parents want all the time they spend with their children to be positive, so they avoid upsetting them. But that’s not doing anyone any favors. If couples learn how to set boundaries for their kids, the marriage usually improves, Hershenson says.

The Boyfriend Break

Posted on December 3, 2011 by CityFella

The familiar imperiled single black woman topic started gaining traction all over again in various media outlets in recent weeks, provoked by the publicity blitz for Stanford Law professor Ralph Richard Banks’ Is Marriage for White People? How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone. In the book, Banks notes that the achievement gap among African Americans has fueled the marriage decline, forcing black women to select from a pool of potential partners who are undereducated, underemployed, and unmarriable. Among the rarefied ranks of affluent and eligible black men, many have little inclination toward monogamy. Banks suggests that black middle and upper middle class women who find themselves single should abandon their “loyalty” to black men and seek out interracial companionship to amplify their chances of finding a suitable mate.

According to most of the reviews I’ve read, Marriage is readable and well-researched. I believe that Banks does not lack sincerity. However, I still approach this advice with incredulity for a few reasons. First, there appears to be far too little attention paid to the unmarriability of some black men. Further, if a man is affluent yet opposed to monogamy (likely engaging in multiple concurrent partnerships — a proven health risk) is he really “eligible”? Black men are truly being let off the hook in this dialogue; these absurd conditions are just accepted as black women’s given circumstances.

But another of the many problems I’ve always had with the treatment of the topic of love relationships among blacks is the incessant emphasis on the “shortage” of “good” black men (theVillage Voice called it a “mancession”). This has just not been the full truth of my experience. From the beginning of my life, I have been lovingly surrounded by a father, two brothers, many uncles and male cousins with boundless intellect, compassion so real I could see it, and, believe it or not, some modicum of professional success.

As an adult, I have had a few serious boyfriends — all strivers and professionals in their respective fields. In between those times, guys I’ve dated have been similarly impressive and leaders in business or philanthropic and artistic professions.

The dissonance between the media’s focus and my own experience can be disorienting. I don’t want what I have heard repeated like a mantra to become elevated above my own reality; this could be dangerous, particularly in times when I need most to believe in what my eyes see and what my heart feels. Right now is one of those times.

I have spent an awful lot of my adulthood being someone’s girlfriend, and lots of color has certainly been added to my life by the men whom I’ve been blessed to meet. (I picked up Portishead and Paul Beatty from the college boyfriend, Almódovar from the Jersey one, boundless kindness and a lot of roti from the Trinidadian one).

But in the present moment, I do not want to be a girlfriend, making being a wife in the near future a bit problematic, too. I want a boyfriend break.

While I wholeheartedly appreciate the beauty of men in general and the awesomeness of black men in particular, I have sometimes probably valued that awesomeness above my own.

When one recent relationship ended, I stayed on the dating treadmill long after I probably should have hopped off, going ahead full speed into another situation, ever the enthusiastic dating trouper that I believe society conditions us to be. And I kept going when even the knowing in my body said a very resounding “no.” Of course, it ended badly (alright, it ended crazily), and a short time away from everyone became essential for my health.

I wish that the conversations about black women and love were more nuanced and made room for topics other than who is or isn’t marrying whom. How about we talk more about self-love, for example? Love is infinite and complex, and romantic love is but one manifestation of it.

Certainly, marriage is important. It builds communities and sustains our civilization. What is tragic, though, is that being inundated with sexist and heterosexist prescriptions for the “pathology” of our singlehood could make a woman feel as though she is living subversively if she, like me, wants to remove herself from the dating pool for a bit. Or if she doesn’t ever wish to marry, or participates in same gender loving relationships.

Like every other person on the planet, a black woman needs the creative space to do what is right for her. You have just got to take the time to deal with your stuff: learn you, eat well, exercise, and pursue goals and other forms of love with vigor. If you don’t, you could end up marrying a man with whom you are clearly incompatible, producing a television special on it, and divorcing him all in 90 days or less.

You have to choose yourself. I get that now. Even if there is a marriage crisis, a “mancession,” and your egg supply is steadily depleting, sometimes that must happen without another person around.

In other words, being single doesn’t always need to be fixed. Sometimes, it is the fix

BY;Danielle Jackson

Freelance Writer and Advertising Consultant

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Tag Archives: Relaltionships

Are you being ‘GASLIGHTED’? The subtle red flags you’re being emotionally manipulated in the office, at home or in your relationship

GASLIGHTING, is a term to describe people who emotionally abuse others

They can distort your mind by planting seeds of self-doubt without you knowing