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How Long Does It Take To Fall In Love?


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Photo: Google 
By James Allen Hanrahan/Your Tango

Time will tell, and here’s how you’ll know.

If you’ve been dating someone new and you’re in the those first exciting stages of a relationship, after a while it’s common tow wonder how and when you’ll know if he’s the one and you’re both falling in love.

How long does it take to fall in love, anyway?

Dating apps have made it easier to initially meet people, but that doesn’t necessarily make it easier to tell when you’re really meant for one another.

And when you finally meet someone you’re confident you really do like, that’s often the most anxious love stage of all. How can you tell if this is something that’s going to last or not?

 

With this in mind, here are three signs that will give you a solid indicator of where things — or aren’t going — and how long it will take for you both to fall in love.

1. Chemistry

If you’ve ever been under the overwhelming effect of chemistry then you know already how long it takes to fall in love.

Chemistry is almost instantaneous. It’s a feeling you can’t deny.

The problem with chemistry is it’s not foolproof. How many times have you had chemistry with someone and they broke your heart?

Chemistry may give you the sensation of falling in love, but it is far different than being in love. For that, we’re going to need more information, which brings us to number two.

2. Compatibility

The rarefied air you breathe when you finally meet someone you have chemistry with is intoxicating. It can lead you to believe that the hard work of boring dates is over.

And to a certain degree, it is, but now the real work begins, because now you have to find out if you’re compatible.

Compatibility means that your lives fit together.

Do you both want to live in a similar location? Do you both have similar relationship goals? For example, do you both want marriage and children?

The reason compatibility is so important is that falling in love is a feeling. Being in love is a decision.

To this point, compatibility always trumps chemistry. If you have chemistry with someone who lives in Peru, unless you’re planning to move to Peru, the compatibility aspect of your relationship will be its demise.

Falling in love is a decision and one of the most important you’ll ever make. Which brings us to number three.

3. Communication

Falling in love could lead you to believe that harsh words will never be spoken. In fact, if the chemistry is strong enough you don’t have to say anything.

And yet as much as we enjoy falling in love at the end of the day we want to be heard and we want to be known. This requires communication. Communication means, the ability to ask for what you want and say no to what you don’t want.

People who know how to love, know how to communicate. They don’t expect to get their way every time, and they’re willing to negotiate with you.

The harder truth about love is it takes time. It takes time for someone to build a trustworthy record with you. It takes a year to truly get to know someone.

But, that does not mean the journey isn’t worth it, in fact, it is the most rewarding thing there is.

Without chemistry we will never make it, it is that special gift that sparks something in us that makes us want to explore love.

Compatibility gives us a chance to explore this chemistry. Falling in love is a feeling, being in love is a decision.

Communication is a conversation that doesn’t end. It means we keep coming back to the table even on the bad days. Relationships aren’t built on the good days, they are built on the bad days.

To a certain extent, how long it takes to fall in love is a moment-to-moment decision based on chemistry, compatibility, and communication. It is a measure of our integrity and how committed we are to the journey, regardless of the turns it takes.

It is not how long it takes to fall in love that matters, it’s who we become in the process.

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Rodfather: Our life is hell!!!


Dear Rodfather……

I married my bride 22 years ago. She is 14 years older than me.  She has three grown children from her first marriage.  Only one of her children is worth anything. The other two are drugged up entitled snots . One is in her late forties and the other one is 51.  My wife had a bad divorce and is filled with guilt,she blames herself and almost never say no to them

Through the years we have paid for rehab, helped them with their bills and even bought her son a car so he could get to and from work.   We’ve had to pay for their apartment we co signed on.  We have watched them walk away from their responsibilities  lose cars and everything they own and it’s never their fault.  I should have retired four years ago but I can’t afford it now.

They have been in and out of our lives throughout most of our marriage.   My wife had to retire early due to major health issues including a hip replacement and heart surgery . The straw that broke the camel’s back is when her son, pushed my wife to the floor.  We called the police and just got a restraining order.    While her daughter hasn’t come back buy my stepson has. Our neighbors watch our house and he recently arrested. So far he’s  been arrested three times. He send his friends over and they knock on our door through the night.    I have lived through broken windows, slashed tires and have been personally attacked several times.   I cant do this anymore.  I want to sell my home and leave the state.   What I’m worried about is that one of these worthless shits will call her and she will send them a ticket.      Rodfather, people in hell have it better than we do, I need some real advice you can call me sick and tired.

 

Dear, Sick and tired……..

Parental guilt is a lifetime and is overrated.  Nearly every parent does the best they can. However, they should not feel guilt for the choices their adult children make!  Her guilt has crippled her children and she has created a life long dependents.   While I agree with you, should leave the area and start a new life, you shouldn’t move until she gets therapy and chooses each other over her children. (A longshot)

Your devotion to your wife is commendable, however you may have to save yourself.  Her children view you as a roadblock to what they believe they are entitled to.  They’ve pushed her, a woman they love who has had heart and hip surgery.  You are simply someone in the way.  The two of you should be living a golden life, but if she choose them, you need to leave and create a new life for yourself.

 

Rodfather

 

 

Baggage


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Everyone has baggage. The older we get the more baggage we have. Some of us take a few pieces of Samsonite with us. It represents our disappointments in life. Others drag our complete ensemble where ever we go. hoping it will protect us. So much baggage that it often prevents people from getting close to them.

I’ve been out with people, who talk about all the people who have done them wrong. You’ve seen them. Victims, who seem to enjoy telling their tales of woe. A narrative, creating a force field so powerful, it prevents others from entering.

We all have baggage, some of it has made us wiser. Other pieces represent hurt and disappointment. Its a part of who we are. No amount of baggage can protect us from the world. Too much can guarantee a life of being alone. Remind yourself despite everything the world has hurled your way. You are still amongst the living. So take a few bags. A few small bags,a combination of wisdom and pain so we can stay woke and some new large bags filled with hope and optimism.

CityFella

The weight of the truth


 

There is a issue in a  relationship/friendship.  It isn’t new in fact, its been an issue for some time.  You’ve ignored it, hoped it would go away on its own.  But now the issue has  grown larger.  An event in your life has placed the issue front and center.

The remedy may be a phone call away, or it may be sleeping beside you.

You avoid the asking the question, because the truth could change the relationship.  You may have long idealized the relationship and even though it hasn’t met your  expectations you have learned to live with the question burning inside.

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A Lifetime of Speculation 

With the issue now front and center, some people choose to outsource the question.  Asking complete strangers who aren’t invested in your life for theories and advice.

Quickly dismissing those who suggest you speak directly to the source.

A lifetime filled with doubt and fear often with the other person, unaware of your feelings.  A lifetime of misplaced anger and resentment.

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You may not like your options, anger and resentment or clarity?

Only one of these will allow you to move forward, no matter the outcome.

If you need a Guarantee THAT every thing will go well 

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There aren’t any guarantees how that person will respond to the question or to your pain.  In the movies, the writer can guarantee the outcome and at the end, the music swells, the rain stops, a bright rainbow appears, then the movie star kiss, slow fade, the perfect ending.

If your conversation must end with a perfect ending, you aren’t ready to have the conversation.  The goal is truth.  The truth will determine which direction your friendship/relationship will go.

Choose a moment ( this is NOT to be conducted electronically via text, or a face app) where the two of you (no more than two) can speak face to face.   Be aware of your tone as your tone and emotions can determine the direction of the conversation.

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Before you speak.  Practice what your going to say, being very Specific. (You may consider writing it down).   If there was an incident, be succinct, tell them how the event made you feel. Don’t dilute the moment with multiple questions.  Then stop and breathe.

Allow them to respond (without interruption) with their truth.  Take their words in, allow a full ten seconds before you respond.    Stay on Topic!    Once the conversation ends, put a period ,not a comma on it.   Accept what you hear.

 

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“It is a choice”.

Life end’s in an Instant, which box will you choose?

The RodFather

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lindsay Graham Donald Trump Lovers ?


 

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Lindsay Graham and Donald Trump were once adversaries.  Politics is adversarial by its very nature gets deep dark and ugly.  But some thing are so personal that they seems unforgivable.  When Donald Trump implied Ted Cruz’s wife was unattractive and his father was involved in the Kennedy assassination, I’m not sure, how it possible to have a beer together after that.

Lindsey Graham called Donald Trump a “race-baiting xenophobic bigot”.  He called him the “World biggest Jackass” for trashing his good friend John McCain.   He has call him unfit to be President (Questions?)   He says his Character made him unfit.

They disagreed about the Charlottesville rally .President Trump  suggested  there is moral equivalency between the white supremacist neo-Nazis and KKK members who attended the Charlottesville rally and people like Heather Heyer who was killed .I, along with many others, do not endorse this moral equivalency.

In a pair of tweets, Trump responded  “Publicity seeking Lindsey -Graham falsely stated that I said there is moral equivalency between the KKK, neo-Nazis & white supremacists and people like Ms. Heyer. . . . Such a disgusting lie. He just can’t forget his election trouncing. The people of South Carolina will remember!”

In January 2018, Graham was at the Oval Office meeting where Trump said he opposed letting in more immigrants from certain “shithole” or “shithouse” countries. Georgia GOP senator David Perdue, who was also in the room, called the reported quotation a “total misrepresentation.” But Graham couldn’t bring himself to lie for Trump. “My memory hasn’t evolved,” Graham told reporters. “I know what was said, and I know what I said.”

Is it in his Kiss? 

In 2018, Lindsey Graham changed.  In 2015, Trump was a racist, in 2018 Lindey said he had NEVER heard Donald Trump make a single racist statement.  After calling him a kook, he says he “intends to support him in 2020 without equivocation.

Graham said it was policy is what changed his mind. “He’s on track to do big things,” Graham says of the president. “He built up the military. I campaigned on it. He got out of the Iran deal. I campaigned on it. He’s destroying ISIL. I campaigned on it. He’s restructuring the tax code and the way we do business. I campaigned on it. He’s doing much of what I campaigned on, and I’m pleased.” Graham now speaks regularly with Trump and has become a close ally on matters ranging from North Korea to health care.

“One, I got to know him,” Graham says. “I’ve played golf with him. You know, play golf with somebody for three or four hours, you get to know them better. He’s funny as hell. He’s got a great sense of humor. There’s a method to the madness.”

“He’s nobody’s fool,” Graham adds. “Very smart. And he asks a lot of good questions.”

Graham, supports the Presidents North Korean Policy he believes Trump agrees with him that a war with North Korea is better than letting North Korea develop an arsenal of nuclear-tipped missiles that could strike the United States.

When President Trump was arguing he was forced to impose a policy of separating children from parents who had illegally crossed the border because a law passed by Democrats tied his hands, Graham said on CNN that it simply wasn’t true: “President Trump could stop this policy with a phone call.” But Graham didn’t call on Trump to actually make that call. When Graham was asked on CNN on June 15 whether his newfound support for Trump was “two-faced,” he had a simple answer: “If you don’t like me working with President Trump to make the world a better place, I don’t give a shit.”

 

CityFella

 

 

Why I call my male freinds king


(iStock)

By:Malcolm-Aimé Musoni/Washington  Post

Male friendship is often mocked, in the many “bro culture” memes and the jokey way we invoke the word “bromance.” For both men and women, it’s easier to laugh and ridicule than to accept that genuine love between male friends is real, and can be wholesome and completely devoid of toxic masculinity.

My male friends are some of the most supportive and loving people I know. They have given me jobs, told me when my fly was down, checked in on me when I ghosted them, let me know when I put too much Vaseline on my face, given me space when I’m wyling out, texted me when I’m anxious, talked me out of dumb decisions and held me when I cried. But more than anything else, they have loved me and appreciated me. Which is why my male friends and I have been following the newish trend among black men to call one another “king.”

Male friendships are appreciated in some areas of pop culture. Judd Apatow has made an entire career out of movies about them. If you were a white man in the mid-2000s and wanted to be an actor, you could go audition for one of his movies that featured Seth Rogen and hope you were cast opposite him as his white best friend.

Jay-Z and Kanye West are on-and-off best friends who made a monumental joint album in 2011 about their brotherhood and being successful, famous black men at the top of their game. The biggest rap group in the world right now is Migos, made up of Quavo, Takeoff and Offset, a trio of best friends who also are related to one another, rap together, make money together and love each other.

These are some areas of pop culture that I look to as models for what friendship can be. But ultimately I do things my way. Last week, my best friend Isaiah was dealing with a tough personal issue, and it hurt me that he was hurting. I woke up the next day, typed a beautiful text to him in which I called him a king, offered to buy him Chick-fil-A, and told him that I loved him and would be there for him if he needed to talk that day and every day that followed.

Sometimes “friend,” “buddy,” “pal” or “bro” doesn’t suffice. “King” is a word that goes a step further than others in proclaiming your love and appreciation. It’s like: I see you out there. You’re doing your thing, and we may not agree on the best song off Frank Ocean’s “Blonde,” but you are a king.

When I’m calling you a king, I’m admiring your sauce and trying to remind you that you do have that sauce. I’ll see a homie on Twitter feeling down, and I’ll text them four words: You are a king. I’ll be on Instagram and see that my friend Stephen just got a new haircut, and I’ll respond to his story with one four-letter word: king. I’ll greet my friend Alston at his birthday party with “Happy birthday, king.” I’ll be going through something stressful, and one of my homies will tell me: “You got this, king.”

Men calling each other king isn’t a new phenomenon. In the black community, people have been calling one another kings and queens for decades as a term of endearment and to support the idea that black people collectively descended from African royalty. Writer Damon Young pointed out the issues with this in a 2016 essay arguing against the practice, saying: “If you’re from a place where kings and queens existed, there’s a small chance you actually directly descended from them. And a much, much, much, much, much, much, much larger chance you descended from people who were ruled by them. And, if history is any guide, if you happen to be from a place with an unfathomably wealthy ruling class, that unfathomable wealth most likely ended with the ruling class.”

But many songs still perpetuate this idea. A 2013 Jay-Z song opens with an intro from Pimp C’s last interview, in which he talks about black people originating from kings. Despite the historical inaccuracy, calling each other kings and queens is simply a reminder of black Americans’ history in Africa before slavery, something that many in this country don’t know much about.

In the past year, “king” as a term of endearment among black people has become more popular and taken center stage on Twitter. There’s no specific meme or tweet from an account with several thousand followers that started it, and no BuzzFeed article full of tweets from people calling each other king to explain it. Rather it’s happened organically, the way many things do on Twitter.

However, with the resurgence of king-calling, it is understandable that some black people are not pleased that non-black men have co-opted the term.

“They always latch onto black endearment,” my friend Guled told me. “You don’t qualify.

I’m a black man with tortoiseshell glasses and a nose ring, and I live in Brooklyn, so I do have white friends. However, we live in a patriarchal society where white men are the most privileged. They have been looked at as kings for centuries, and at this point I’m just not in the mood anymore to say what has already been said systemically. I would rather devote my time and breath to telling those among my male friends who will always live in a world that really doesn’t want them that they have that sauce and are the masters of that sauce.

Self-confidence fuels everything we do as human beings. Do you have the confidence in yourself to quit that weird marketing job and pursue your passion for cooking? Do you have the confidence in yourself to get that new haircut and proudly rock it? Do you have the confidence to just be you all the time and never sacrifice that for anyone? In 2018, there are so many things going on that affect our self-confidence and perception of ourselves as men, but when your kings got you and let you know that they love you and will always have your back? There’s nothing you can’t do.

Doctor Facebook


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Image: Google

I’m often astounded by what I read on social media.  Fights, vendettas, often very personal and detailed, all for the world to see.  Others use social media as a Doctor or  Therapist as a place to share their feelings.  Many are hurt and angered by the feedback they receive from friends,family.

These are actual posts from Facebook

My husband comes home drunk every other night I’m so tired of it.   I passed my test  at school yesterday and he didn’t care!!!!!    Oh he said!  I’m tired of his one minute erections.  I’m so tired of him acting all superior to everybody.   I hate every thing about him and home. I could be at school all day. ******  is a little pig, her room is disgusting. everything is a fight with her.  When she turns 18, she and her father can have each other.  I want and deserve a better life! 

Men are shit!  I’m tired of talking to these punk assessed mutha fuckers here in Atlanta. I am moving outta here and I’m going back home before I stab a punk ass. 

I hate my brother in law he’s always stoned. Y oh Y did my sister married him? She wasn’t knocked up.  I hate everything about him and his family.  His uncles wife made me a sandwich and I put it in the garbage. They say they are  Christians, but go to church on Sunday Mornings hungover and everybody knows it. 

Before the internet, there were diaries, close friends ,confidants and therapists.

These tools exist today.  Individuals who post personal information about others have told us, they lack self control.  Once they’ve pushed Enter.  They have not only humiliated friends and family resulting in irreparable damage to those relationships, they have exposed their character flaw to the world.

Its difficult to come back from public humiliation

If someone I knew posted personal information about anyone.  It would forever change our relationship.

I don’t have a PhG degree.  However, what I do know, if you’ve shared personal detailed information of love ones, close friends on social media, it say’s something about your character and in time, I will become a victim of that character flaw.

Once the author hits Image result for enter key  it is in the Universe forever.  More and more current and potential employers are using social media to vet future employees. While they can’t demand you friend them or share the contents of your social media.   Its not difficult to access your page.  As I learned a couple of summers ago.  You see the more friends an individual has,the easier it is to access his or her page.  It isn’t illegal.  Your page often tells us who you are as an individual. its tells us if your kind. messy or vindictive.

The sword cuts both ways

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I love social media, there are some really great people on social media, many read this blog. There are others, who’s sole purpose is to create mayhem online.   They ,bully and leave mean and insulting messages on your thread.

Pause before you enter.  If you need to talk, your often better served offline.  Using a trusted network (or one person ) of friends or therapist.   Find a quiet moment when you can talk to those you have issues with and calmly state your case.  Dare to listen without judgement.  At the end of the day, nothing may change, but you were heard.

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If you would be embarrassed , humiliated by your thoughts, actions, words appearing on social media, its possible the individuals your talking about may feel the same way.

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CityFella

 

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