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Baggage


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Everyone has baggage. The older we get the more baggage we have. Some of us take a few pieces of Samsonite with us. It represents our disappointments in life. Others drag our complete ensemble where ever we go. hoping it will protect us. So much baggage that it often prevents people from getting close to them.

I’ve been out with people, who talk about all the people who have done them wrong. You’ve seen them. Victims, who seem to enjoy telling their tales of woe. A narrative, creating a force field so powerful, it prevents others from entering.

We all have baggage, some of it has made us wiser. Other pieces represent hurt and disappointment. Its a part of who we are. No amount of baggage can protect us from the world. Too much can guarantee a life of being alone. Remind yourself despite everything the world has hurled your way. You are still amongst the living. So take a few bags. A few small bags,a combination of wisdom and pain so we can stay woke and some new large bags filled with hope and optimism.

CityFella

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The weight of the truth


 

There is a issue in a  relationship/friendship.  It isn’t new in fact, its been an issue for some time.  You’ve ignored it, hoped it would go away on its own.  But now the issue has  grown larger.  An event in your life has placed the issue front and center.

The remedy may be a phone call away, or it may be sleeping beside you.

You avoid the asking the question, because the truth could change the relationship.  You may have long idealized the relationship and even though it hasn’t met your  expectations you have learned to live with the question burning inside.

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A Lifetime of Speculation 

With the issue now front and center, some people choose to outsource the question.  Asking complete strangers who aren’t invested in your life for theories and advice.

Quickly dismissing those who suggest you speak directly to the source.

A lifetime filled with doubt and fear often with the other person, unaware of your feelings.  A lifetime of misplaced anger and resentment.

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You may not like your options, anger and resentment or clarity?

Only one of these will allow you to move forward, no matter the outcome.

If you need a Guarantee THAT every thing will go well 

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There aren’t any guarantees how that person will respond to the question or to your pain.  In the movies, the writer can guarantee the outcome and at the end, the music swells, the rain stops, a bright rainbow appears, then the movie star kiss, slow fade, the perfect ending.

If your conversation must end with a perfect ending, you aren’t ready to have the conversation.  The goal is truth.  The truth will determine which direction your friendship/relationship will go.

Choose a moment ( this is NOT to be conducted electronically via text, or a face app) where the two of you (no more than two) can speak face to face.   Be aware of your tone as your tone and emotions can determine the direction of the conversation.

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Before you speak.  Practice what your going to say, being very Specific. (You may consider writing it down).   If there was an incident, be succinct, tell them how the event made you feel. Don’t dilute the moment with multiple questions.  Then stop and breathe.

Allow them to respond (without interruption) with their truth.  Take their words in, allow a full ten seconds before you respond.    Stay on Topic!    Once the conversation ends, put a period ,not a comma on it.   Accept what you hear.

 

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“It is a choice”.

Life end’s in an Instant, which box will you choose?

The RodFather

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lindsay Graham Donald Trump Lovers ?


 

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Lindsay Graham and Donald Trump were once adversaries.  Politics is adversarial by its very nature gets deep dark and ugly.  But some thing are so personal that they seems unforgivable.  When Donald Trump implied Ted Cruz’s wife was unattractive and his father was involved in the Kennedy assassination, I’m not sure, how it possible to have a beer together after that.

Lindsey Graham called Donald Trump a “race-baiting xenophobic bigot”.  He called him the “World biggest Jackass” for trashing his good friend John McCain.   He has call him unfit to be President (Questions?)   He says his Character made him unfit.

They disagreed about the Charlottesville rally .President Trump  suggested  there is moral equivalency between the white supremacist neo-Nazis and KKK members who attended the Charlottesville rally and people like Heather Heyer who was killed .I, along with many others, do not endorse this moral equivalency.

In a pair of tweets, Trump responded  “Publicity seeking Lindsey -Graham falsely stated that I said there is moral equivalency between the KKK, neo-Nazis & white supremacists and people like Ms. Heyer. . . . Such a disgusting lie. He just can’t forget his election trouncing. The people of South Carolina will remember!”

In January 2018, Graham was at the Oval Office meeting where Trump said he opposed letting in more immigrants from certain “shithole” or “shithouse” countries. Georgia GOP senator David Perdue, who was also in the room, called the reported quotation a “total misrepresentation.” But Graham couldn’t bring himself to lie for Trump. “My memory hasn’t evolved,” Graham told reporters. “I know what was said, and I know what I said.”

Is it in his Kiss? 

In 2018, Lindsey Graham changed.  In 2015, Trump was a racist, in 2018 Lindey said he had NEVER heard Donald Trump make a single racist statement.  After calling him a kook, he says he “intends to support him in 2020 without equivocation.

Graham said it was policy is what changed his mind. “He’s on track to do big things,” Graham says of the president. “He built up the military. I campaigned on it. He got out of the Iran deal. I campaigned on it. He’s destroying ISIL. I campaigned on it. He’s restructuring the tax code and the way we do business. I campaigned on it. He’s doing much of what I campaigned on, and I’m pleased.” Graham now speaks regularly with Trump and has become a close ally on matters ranging from North Korea to health care.

“One, I got to know him,” Graham says. “I’ve played golf with him. You know, play golf with somebody for three or four hours, you get to know them better. He’s funny as hell. He’s got a great sense of humor. There’s a method to the madness.”

“He’s nobody’s fool,” Graham adds. “Very smart. And he asks a lot of good questions.”

Graham, supports the Presidents North Korean Policy he believes Trump agrees with him that a war with North Korea is better than letting North Korea develop an arsenal of nuclear-tipped missiles that could strike the United States.

When President Trump was arguing he was forced to impose a policy of separating children from parents who had illegally crossed the border because a law passed by Democrats tied his hands, Graham said on CNN that it simply wasn’t true: “President Trump could stop this policy with a phone call.” But Graham didn’t call on Trump to actually make that call. When Graham was asked on CNN on June 15 whether his newfound support for Trump was “two-faced,” he had a simple answer: “If you don’t like me working with President Trump to make the world a better place, I don’t give a shit.”

 

CityFella

 

 

Why I call my male freinds king


(iStock)

By:Malcolm-Aimé Musoni/Washington  Post

Male friendship is often mocked, in the many “bro culture” memes and the jokey way we invoke the word “bromance.” For both men and women, it’s easier to laugh and ridicule than to accept that genuine love between male friends is real, and can be wholesome and completely devoid of toxic masculinity.

My male friends are some of the most supportive and loving people I know. They have given me jobs, told me when my fly was down, checked in on me when I ghosted them, let me know when I put too much Vaseline on my face, given me space when I’m wyling out, texted me when I’m anxious, talked me out of dumb decisions and held me when I cried. But more than anything else, they have loved me and appreciated me. Which is why my male friends and I have been following the newish trend among black men to call one another “king.”

Male friendships are appreciated in some areas of pop culture. Judd Apatow has made an entire career out of movies about them. If you were a white man in the mid-2000s and wanted to be an actor, you could go audition for one of his movies that featured Seth Rogen and hope you were cast opposite him as his white best friend.

Jay-Z and Kanye West are on-and-off best friends who made a monumental joint album in 2011 about their brotherhood and being successful, famous black men at the top of their game. The biggest rap group in the world right now is Migos, made up of Quavo, Takeoff and Offset, a trio of best friends who also are related to one another, rap together, make money together and love each other.

These are some areas of pop culture that I look to as models for what friendship can be. But ultimately I do things my way. Last week, my best friend Isaiah was dealing with a tough personal issue, and it hurt me that he was hurting. I woke up the next day, typed a beautiful text to him in which I called him a king, offered to buy him Chick-fil-A, and told him that I loved him and would be there for him if he needed to talk that day and every day that followed.

Sometimes “friend,” “buddy,” “pal” or “bro” doesn’t suffice. “King” is a word that goes a step further than others in proclaiming your love and appreciation. It’s like: I see you out there. You’re doing your thing, and we may not agree on the best song off Frank Ocean’s “Blonde,” but you are a king.

When I’m calling you a king, I’m admiring your sauce and trying to remind you that you do have that sauce. I’ll see a homie on Twitter feeling down, and I’ll text them four words: You are a king. I’ll be on Instagram and see that my friend Stephen just got a new haircut, and I’ll respond to his story with one four-letter word: king. I’ll greet my friend Alston at his birthday party with “Happy birthday, king.” I’ll be going through something stressful, and one of my homies will tell me: “You got this, king.”

Men calling each other king isn’t a new phenomenon. In the black community, people have been calling one another kings and queens for decades as a term of endearment and to support the idea that black people collectively descended from African royalty. Writer Damon Young pointed out the issues with this in a 2016 essay arguing against the practice, saying: “If you’re from a place where kings and queens existed, there’s a small chance you actually directly descended from them. And a much, much, much, much, much, much, much larger chance you descended from people who were ruled by them. And, if history is any guide, if you happen to be from a place with an unfathomably wealthy ruling class, that unfathomable wealth most likely ended with the ruling class.”

But many songs still perpetuate this idea. A 2013 Jay-Z song opens with an intro from Pimp C’s last interview, in which he talks about black people originating from kings. Despite the historical inaccuracy, calling each other kings and queens is simply a reminder of black Americans’ history in Africa before slavery, something that many in this country don’t know much about.

In the past year, “king” as a term of endearment among black people has become more popular and taken center stage on Twitter. There’s no specific meme or tweet from an account with several thousand followers that started it, and no BuzzFeed article full of tweets from people calling each other king to explain it. Rather it’s happened organically, the way many things do on Twitter.

However, with the resurgence of king-calling, it is understandable that some black people are not pleased that non-black men have co-opted the term.

“They always latch onto black endearment,” my friend Guled told me. “You don’t qualify.

I’m a black man with tortoiseshell glasses and a nose ring, and I live in Brooklyn, so I do have white friends. However, we live in a patriarchal society where white men are the most privileged. They have been looked at as kings for centuries, and at this point I’m just not in the mood anymore to say what has already been said systemically. I would rather devote my time and breath to telling those among my male friends who will always live in a world that really doesn’t want them that they have that sauce and are the masters of that sauce.

Self-confidence fuels everything we do as human beings. Do you have the confidence in yourself to quit that weird marketing job and pursue your passion for cooking? Do you have the confidence in yourself to get that new haircut and proudly rock it? Do you have the confidence to just be you all the time and never sacrifice that for anyone? In 2018, there are so many things going on that affect our self-confidence and perception of ourselves as men, but when your kings got you and let you know that they love you and will always have your back? There’s nothing you can’t do.

Doctor Facebook


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Image: Google

I’m often astounded by what I read on social media.  Fights, vendettas, often very personal and detailed, all for the world to see.  Others use social media as a Doctor or  Therapist as a place to share their feelings.  Many are hurt and angered by the feedback they receive from friends,family.

These are actual posts from Facebook

My husband comes home drunk every other night I’m so tired of it.   I passed my test  at school yesterday and he didn’t care!!!!!    Oh he said!  I’m tired of his one minute erections.  I’m so tired of him acting all superior to everybody.   I hate every thing about him and home. I could be at school all day. ******  is a little pig, her room is disgusting. everything is a fight with her.  When she turns 18, she and her father can have each other.  I want and deserve a better life! 

Men are shit!  I’m tired of talking to these punk assessed mutha fuckers here in Atlanta. I am moving outta here and I’m going back home before I stab a punk ass. 

I hate my brother in law he’s always stoned. Y oh Y did my sister married him? She wasn’t knocked up.  I hate everything about him and his family.  His uncles wife made me a sandwich and I put it in the garbage. They say they are  Christians, but go to church on Sunday Mornings hungover and everybody knows it. 

Before the internet, there were diaries, close friends ,confidants and therapists.

These tools exist today.  Individuals who post personal information about others have told us, they lack self control.  Once they’ve pushed Enter.  They have not only humiliated friends and family resulting in irreparable damage to those relationships, they have exposed their character flaw to the world.

Its difficult to come back from public humiliation

If someone I knew posted personal information about anyone.  It would forever change our relationship.

I don’t have a PhG degree.  However, what I do know, if you’ve shared personal detailed information of love ones, close friends on social media, it say’s something about your character and in time, I will become a victim of that character flaw.

Once the author hits Image result for enter key  it is in the Universe forever.  More and more current and potential employers are using social media to vet future employees. While they can’t demand you friend them or share the contents of your social media.   Its not difficult to access your page.  As I learned a couple of summers ago.  You see the more friends an individual has,the easier it is to access his or her page.  It isn’t illegal.  Your page often tells us who you are as an individual. its tells us if your kind. messy or vindictive.

The sword cuts both ways

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I love social media, there are some really great people on social media, many read this blog. There are others, who’s sole purpose is to create mayhem online.   They ,bully and leave mean and insulting messages on your thread.

Pause before you enter.  If you need to talk, your often better served offline.  Using a trusted network (or one person ) of friends or therapist.   Find a quiet moment when you can talk to those you have issues with and calmly state your case.  Dare to listen without judgement.  At the end of the day, nothing may change, but you were heard.

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If you would be embarrassed , humiliated by your thoughts, actions, words appearing on social media, its possible the individuals your talking about may feel the same way.

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CityFella

 

What It’s Like To Love A Gay Man Who Isn’t Out (And Tells His Pals I’m A WOMAN)


dating someone who is not out of the closet

He told his friends my name was “Ashley.”

Ten years ago, I met the second love of my life. I say “second” because there have been three loves of my life. He wasn’t the first, he wasn’t the last, but he was the most influential. I don’t mean that to downplay the importance of the other two. However, he was the one I was with the longest and he was the one that I learned the most from. For the sake of his privacy, we’ll call him L.

I met L on a hookup website. This was not the kind of website that you go to find a partner; this was a place to meet someone, satisfy your needs fairly instantly, and then move on about your life. If you were lucky, you might land a friend with benefits, but it was mostly for one-night stands.

I saw his picture and was immediately into him. I instantly messaged him and anxiously awaited his response. He finally messaged me back and we ended up talking for 4 hours.

Click the Link for the Rest of the Story

http://www.yourtango.com/2017302481/what-its-like-dating-someone-not-out-of-closet

Real Men Explain Why They REFUSE To Date Fat Women


By: Rebecca Jane Stokes/Your Tango.com

They didn’t hold anything back.

I am a fat woman.

I am friends with other fat women..

None of us have a hard time getting dates, finding love, or sex, whatever it is we happen to be looking for.

But while that’s true, all of the fat women in my life have at least one story of me explaining to them that they could never date because of her fatness.

It’s never easy to be rejected for any reason, but fat women get used to it in their interactions with men sadly because it seems to be more socially acceptable to express disgust with fat than it is express other complaints about a person’s physical appearance.

In our culture, people are taught, unfortunately, that being fat is bad.

It isn’t bad at all. A fat person is just as worthy of love, respect, and kindness as any other person.

I’ve always wanted to know what goes on inside the heads of men who refuse to date a woman just because she is fat.

On the one hand, as a sex writer, I understand that people are attracted to different things, so I wanted to keep an open mind.

That said, it’s hard to be objective when someone is explaining why you don’t  give them an erections. 

With that in mind, I asked a group of anonymous men who refuse to date fat women to try and explain their feelings to me.

I knew that there was science to support the fact that men love a woman with a tummy, but I wanted to hear from the other side.

And, just to be clear, the views of these men are not my views — or necessarily the views of YourTango.

Now that we got that way-too-technical disclaimer out of the way…

Here’s what they had to say:

Why don’t you date fat women?

  • “Fat is subjective. Thick is not fat. Much like how women do not want to date a man shorter than them, men don’t want to date women who weigh more than them.”
  • “I grew up fat, and work extremely hard to maintain a healthy weight. I know firsthand how being fat wreaks havoc on your self-esteem and social presence. I would also be concerned about having a partner putting herself at risk for a variety of weight-related complications, especially in the long-term.”
  • “Folds of fat just aren’t attractive.”
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  • “Save for instances of diagnosable (and often treatable) problems with metabolism, a fat body is often a sign of disregard for one’s health. Mind and body are not two separate entities; they are linked. You can’t abuse your body and expect your mind to fire on all cylinders. A fat body can (but does not always) imply laziness, short-sightedness, and a kind of disregard for one’s holistic well-being.”
  • “A woman who is fat clearly just doesn’t care about herself.”
  • “Being fat can become a serious health problem.”
  • “I’m skinny and dating a fat woman would look weird.”
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  • “Fat women can’t do as much as skinny women, and I’m pretty active.”
  • “Living a healthy style is important to me. Fat women don’t lead healthy lives.”
  • “Chubby can be cute. But fat is ugly.”
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  • “I’ve broken up with women who let themselves go. It’s my job to earn the money and it’s her job to look good for me and for herself.”
  • “I can’t stand lazy people. If she can’t be bothered to exercise for thirty minutes, that to me is a sign of true laziness.”

I agree that you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, but I don’t think that gives you a right to be rude.

Online dating is rough enough without some guy responding to a message by saying “hit the gym and then we’ll talk” (totally true, totally happened to me.)

These answers reinforced what I already knew to be true:

We have to change the way we treat fat women. 

End of story.

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